


Learning To Trust

by Claretgirl16



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: F/F, Feelings, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-09-19 18:04:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 82,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9453491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claretgirl16/pseuds/Claretgirl16
Summary: This is how I'd have liked the infamous 'Goldfish' s3e8 episode to have gone and then beyond that, it got stuck in my head after watching Wentworth s3 whilst waiting for any kind of s5 news, so I decided to write it :)





	1. Chapter 1

"I have hepatitis C".  
The words hung there, right between the both of them, seeming to stop all space and time.  
Vera kept her eyes on the woman across from her.  
She'd told her, said those immortal words and not just to anyone, to Joan Ferguson.  
Swallowing hard she blinked, her stomach tense, waiting for the inevitable.  
The inevitable being Joan moving her hand from where it lay on hers, her face conveying her disgust at her deputy, telling her she'd have to find another job, because she couldn't work with her anymore, that it somehow impacted on her skills as deputy of Wentworth.  
What was minutes seemed like hours, hours waiting, dreading.

 

"I'm sorry to hear this..." were the soft words destroying the tension holding the air between them.  
Vera let out a breath she wasn't sure how long she'd been holding, eyes immediately glancing to the hands on the table.  
They'd not moved, Joan's still resting on hers.  
Eyes back to the woman across the table.  
"I..I'm sorry?" as if she'd heard wrong.  
Joan studied the smaller woman's face before repeating.  
"I said I'm sorry to hear this....I'm sorry for what happened to you, if I could change it, make it better than it is now, then I would".  
Another stroke of the thumb was felt by Vera.

 

Swallowing the lump that'd appeared in her throat between Joan speaking and the action on her hand, a silent tear rolling down her cheek, brushing it away with her thumb as she nodded, feeling the figure across from her looking directly at her, gently squeezing her hand, this conveying more than words.  
"S...Sorry, sorry.." sniffing and wiping a couple more tears away, trying to compose herself quickly.  
The tension had lessened, being replaced by a silence, a peaceful silence, both of them trying to figure out how to best proceed with this situation, neither one having been faced with it in the past.  
Joan shook her head.  
"Don't apologise, it's ok...".  
She was surprising herself here, surprised that she'd not moved her hand away, pulled it away even when Vera had made her announcement, she didn't feel a need to, felt the need of Vera for her to leave it there after what she said more than her compulsion to pull away, not exactly knowing why.  
Joan Ferguson always retreated from situations where she didn't know emotionally how to react, to cope, but this was different, she'd stayed, instinct and her body had made her leave her hand resting on the smaller woman's, even giving it a squeeze in what was that, comfort.  
Joan Ferguson was comforting Vera Bennett, she was comforting another human being, and not just anyone, her deputy, her deputy that she'd become close to.  
Bloody hell.  
Close to her.  
Close to another woman.  
That was a scary concept, yet one that seemed to just have happened, naturally, easily.  
She'd asked her to dinner, because she wanted to, wanted to spend time with her and now here they were together, having dinner, and she was making or trying to make Vera feel better, help her.

 

Her eyes with Vera's her lips curved up into a soft smile, being mirrored in an instant by the smaller woman.  
"Thank you..." Vera managed to murmur softly, receiving a nod from Joan in acceptance, their smiles not moving.  
"I...erm...if there's any help, with your condition..." started Joan, trying to get her mouth and brain to work together and get across nicely what she was trying to say.  
Vera stayed silent, letting her speak.  
"That Wentworth can provide, or....or I can help with, don't hesitate to ask...".  
After regaining her composure and then her hand after Joan had moved hers, they continued and then finished their meal, conversation picking back up and returning to various incidents that'd happened in Wentworth, mixed with general topics that both could relate to and give an opinion on.  
"Well...thank you for the nice meal...I've had a lovely night..." Vera smiled softly up at the taller governor as she slid her handbag on her shoulder over her coat, by the front door.  
Joan smiled down as she watched her.  
"Thank you Vera, I'm glad you've enjoyed it, so have I, we should do it again..." suddenly swallowing at what she'd said, it just naturally coming from her lips.  
Shit, why did I say that, what's the matter with me.  
Bloody hell Joan, think about what you say before you say it, stupid!

 

"I'd like that.." the soft words that drew her attention back to the moment and the woman in front of her.  
The blue eyes looking up into hers, causing a nod from the brown eyed woman, unable it seemed, to help herself for what was it the second or third time tonight, leaning down and giving a gentle hug to Vera, her arms wrapping around the shoulders of the smaller frame, causing their bodies to be close to each other, after a few moments feeling arms around her ribs, hugging her back.  
Parting they looked at each other, Vera giving her a little shy smile, turning on her heels, opening the door and leaving, Joan automatically closing the door as she vanished.  
Did I just do that?  
I just hugged my deputy.  
I hugged Vera Bennett.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and leaving such lovely comments, they make me smile a lot and I appreciate every single one of them :)  
> I've a few ideas for where I could go with this. Here is the next part, hope you all enjoy!

It'd been a couple of weeks since that dinner and since then things had changed, well for Joan they had anyway, things felt different, she felt different, but different how she wasn't sure.  
"Come..." at the knock at her door, eyes on the paperwork in front of her.  
Moving into the office, Vera didn't speak, her eyes fixed on the taller woman behind the desk, her eyes it seemed automatically drawn to look at her, eyes wandering over her hair scraped back into that tight bun, not a hair out of place, flawless face and features, deep brown eyes, full lips, strong frame that her suit seemed to hug effortlessly.  
She was gorgeous.  
Hang on a minute, what was that, did I just call Joan Ferguson gorgeous.  
Yes.  
Yes I did.  
What on earth is going on in my head.  
Ok you went over for dinner and she said she enjoyed it and wanted to do it again, but thinking these thoughts about her.  
I've heard bits about the whole Jianna story that she was involved in at the other prison, but to think these kind of thoughts, think that anything of that nature between you both.  
Joan Ferguson and Vera Bennett.  
Crazy thinking woman, like she'd give you the time of day that way, she didn't give anyone it seemed that kind of attention, let alone you.

 

"Deputy Bennett..." she could hear it but it didn't seem to register.  
Again she heard it only louder this time.  
"Deputy Bennett!" causing Vera to jump, coming back to where she was.  
"Oh...erm...yes, sorry governor..." quickly clearing her throat and straightening her uniform, standing in front of the chair, in front of the desk.  
She's day dreaming again, that's happened a few times these past few weeks, whether in or out of the office, she seems to go in a dream, mind wandering elsewhere, stood there hair in a small bun, that skirt that stops just at her knee showing off them toned calves, her small frame just shy of being swamped by that suit if it was any bigger, those soft features, blue eyes that sparkle when she smiles or is happy in general, that light brown hair that is dotted by blonde highlight where the sun has caught it, the shy smile and the head dip she does when I or anyone gives her some kind of praise or compliment.  
Wait a minute, what am I thinking, thinking all of this about my deputy, I need to get a grip, stop thinking such things, I don't do this, don't get emotional about anything or anyone and especially not about Vera, who wouldn't remotely in any place or time be interested in me or think them things about me.  
She's a bit younger than me, what could she possibly see in someone of my age and like I am.  
What am I even thinking these kind of thoughts for.  
Stop Joan stop.

 

"Governor..." frowned Vera, watching Joan focus her eyes on her, but seemingly be somewhere else in her mind.  
Again she spoke, this time a bit louder.  
"Governor...".  
Joan came back to the present moment, her eyes settling on the figure in front of her again, fully engaged.  
"Yes, sorry, do sit down..." motioning to the chair.  
Vera did as she was asked, hands immediately together and into her lap, focused on what was going to be said to her.  
"I wanted to see you, to find out how the new inmates we had in this morning are doing, I have been unable to find out seen as I've been in meetings most of the day, so I thought I'd take a moment to find out...".  
"They're doing fine, no problems to report as of today, they've been briefed on all the rules, been given their supplies and cells, and are being monitored as we speak so that there's no chance of any first day things they might try, most likely it won't happen but you can never be too sure of the women we get in here.." her statement confident in the work she and the other prison officers had carried out today.  
Joan couldn't help but give a smile to her.  
She's certainly grown in confidence these past few weeks and months.  
A change from when I first came here and when I first took her under my wing, trying to harness that potential I saw under that shy and not very confident exterior.  
Look at her now, running things like clock work when I'm unavailable due to other matters I'm forced to attend too.  
She's come a long way.  
And I've had a part in it, it makes me feel a sense of what...accomplishment, well yes that of course but what else.  
Pride.  
As strange as it felt thinking and saying it, it fits what I feel towards her.  
Proud.  
"Well done Vera, that's what I like to hear, it's nice to know I can rely on you when I am called away from my post, you've done a good job today, executed marvellously, thank you" this praise causing the blue eyed woman to smile back, proudly.

 

"Thank you governor...".  
"Please, when we're like this, when we're...alone...call me Joan.." searching the other woman's eyes for a reaction.  
Nodding to the sentence Vera cleared her throat of what she wasn't quite sure, air maybe.  
"Ok...Joan..." the name causing a shiver down the spine of the woman she directed it at, trying her best to remain composed in her seat.  
"Very good, that's all I wanted, I believe it's the end of shift now too.." finding the face of her watch, anything to divert her gaze from looking at the smaller woman.  
Vera also looked to her watch.  
"Yes, yes it is..." getting up from the chair, walking to the door and opening it, looking back and adding.  
"Good night, Joan..".  
Keeping her eyes on her Joan watched her leave, her eyes never moving until the door was closed and she was alone again in the office.  
An uncomfortable sinking feeling appearing in the pit her stomach as the presence of Vera left her.


	3. Chapter 3

What am I actually doing here, yes I'm not on shift tomorrow but to come here and sit in this bar on my own, for a drink, how sad must I look, I know I needed a drink and to get out of the house, but maybe this wasn't one of my best plans.  
Sighing to herself Vera gazed down at her glass, running her index finger through the condensation that had formed on the side.  
The bar was bustling slightly but nothing too busy, she'd tucked herself round the corner on the end of the bar, out of the way of the main swell of the bar, but close enough to hear the atmosphere.  
"You look a nice gal, how about I get you a drink..." came the rough voice of someone nearby, Vera looked up at the man stood next to her, grimacing at her, he'd obviously had a few, about Vera's age but nothing that you'd look at, hair a bit all over the place, shirt not ironed, as if he'd slept in it.  
"No, that's ok I've got one thank you...".  
"Oh come on you've nearly finished it, I can get you another one then we can sit together and have a nice little chat and who knows what else..." leering at her.  
"I said it's ok thank you..." getting somewhat concerned at how close he kept moving to her and not retreating.  
"And I said let me, what's the matter with you don't you want a drink when a man offers to buy you one, you're here for a good time, looking for a shag so here I am...." moving even closer to her face.

 

"No I am not..." she started, trying to back up as she got up off the stool, starting to get frightened.  
"Yeah you are, you're single and here on your own, not waiting for anyone...." he chuckled, being cut off by the words from the darkness.  
"She's not single or on her own, she's waiting for me actually..." the voice instantly recognisable to Vera even with her back to it.  
Joan.  
Joan Ferguson.  
Joan Ferguson was here.  
The guy sniggered, this quickly being pulled from his mouth as the taller woman moved out of the shadows and alongside the smaller woman, snaking a strong arm around Vera's shoulders, coming to rest her hand on the small of her back, pulling her against her body, not moving her gaze from the man in front of her.  
"So I suggest you take your sorry backside away from her because if you don't I'll have to remove you myself and you don't want me to do that..." her voice harsh, eyes glaring at him.  
Turning away he sloped off, not uttering a single word, getting the message.  
Watching him walk away Vera glanced up to the woman beside her, smiling thankfully as she spoke.  
"Thank you for that..." Joan looking down to Vera, moving her arm from around the other woman, something feeling odd as she lost the contact.  
"You're welcome Vera, I saw him from the door, seemed to be making a nuisance of himself to you...".

 

Vera forced herself not to sighed as Joan released contact from her, liking the way the taller woman had held her with just one arm, especially her hand on the small of her back and being close to her, she felt protected, safe, like not the man or anyone in that bar could've harmed her.  
"You...you were coming in here?" wondering if she was prying to much after she'd ask the question.  
Joan took the stool next to Vera's, ordering a drink before turning to answer the question.  
"I was, I fancied a quiet drink so thought I'd quickly come in here" paying the barman and taking a sip.  
"That's what my plan was, but felt a bit stupid sat here on my own so I was just about to drink up and leave before he came along" also taking a sip from her glass.  
"I hope I didn't speak out of turn about what I said to him, it's the first thing that came to my mind" taking another sip, she didn't normally bother about whether she spoke out of turn, but in this instance with Vera, well with Vera in general for a while she'd realised that she did bother what the younger woman thought and if she'd offended her.  
In all truth Vera had liked what she'd said, she'd like the fact that man had felt threatened and scared when he'd seen Joan, liked the fact she had immediately come to her rescue, saved her from his clutches, added to this she'd put her arm around her and what was that, held her close, pretending to be her what....date...no she'd said she wasn't single, partner? Any other woman she'd have instantly took a dislike to being pretending that she was with her, but not here with her, not with Joan.  
It was different, the butterflies the blue eyed woman had felt at having that strong arm around her caused a jelly like feeling in her legs, being glad of being held close so she didn't fall.

 

But she wasn't attracted to women was she.  
Or at least she never had been before.  
Before what.  
Before Joan Ferguson.  
She shook her head.  
"Not at all, I'm grateful for your help, I didn't mind you saying that at all..." smiling at her boss over her glass.  
She'd not quite known why she'd said it, it just seemed the best thing to say, the most what was it appropriate, no that wasn't the word.... natural was the word. She'd actually liked standing there glaring down at that pathetic excuse of a man, her arm around Vera, holding her close as she'd watched him slope off, she'd protected the younger woman and it felt good, it felt...right.  
Natural even.  
Joan gave her a nod, this seemed to be her go to action when words failed her.  
Sipping their drinks, they floated between bits of conversation about work and the weather, a bit of politics, something they realised they shared the same opinions on.  
The taller dark haired woman looked at her watch before getting up off the stool.  
"I think I'll be going, it's been a long day, early start tomorrow" straightening her loose fitting blouse as she did so.  
Vera rose too, her eyes being drawn to how the blouse hung on the older woman, the way it floated over her figure in all the right places, her dark jeans hugging her curves.  
Feeling eyes on her Joan glanced to the smaller woman, Vera was unaware she was looking at her, watching as the blue eyes scanned her body, moving up and down, taking in her figure.  
She felt a flutter in her stomach.  
She's looking at me, wandering her eyes over me, over my figure, lower than my blouse, down my legs and then up again, she's actually looking at my body.  
She's looking at me, no one else.  
These thoughts alone making her clench her fists softly at the attention being given to her, before clearing her throat rousing Vera from her day dream.  
"Sorry did you say something?" started Vera, becoming aware of who was beside her again, suddenly wondering what Joan had seen.  
"I'm going now, enjoy your day off tomorrow Vera.." .

 

Vera smiled up at her, suddenly not wanting her to leave, but shaking the other thoughts from her mind, knowing the idea was ridiculous and putting it down to the drink.  
"I'm heading off myself too..." as she walked through the door and outside with Joan, before stopping and adding as the brown eyes looked at her.  
"Thank you again for your help tonight..." catching a smile being returned.  
"You're welcome, good night Vera".  
"Good night...Joan" watching the older woman walking away.  
What has got into you Vera, you're stood in front of the woman checking her out, get a grip and stop, this has got to stop, you're talking about Joan Ferguson here, the Joan Ferguson.  
The name itself causing that feeling in her tummy Vera had started becoming aware of more often since the dinner that night, it first being ignited by the soft stroke of that thumb, now it seemed just thinking of her name set it off again, not to mention tonight, having her arm around me, thank god I stayed standing.  
She shook her head, trying to rid the thoughts as she stood there in the car park, being lit up by the street lamps dotted around at various points.  
Maybe a day off would have the desired effect of sorting her head out.


	4. Chapter 4

Right come on you've had a day of not seeing her and are feeling alright, get a grip and stop with this acting like a teenager around your boss, it's just ridiculous and isn't right. Getting out of her car she took a breath, heading across the car park and forcing herself not to have her eyes drawn to where she knew a familiar dark car would be parked. Eyes forward Bennett, head up.  
Another breath, chin up and straight to the gate to get let into work. That's where she was....work.  
Work and being professional.  
Joan Ferguson.  
No stop. Work and prisoners, there's more here than her.  
More than Joan Ferguson at Wentworth.  
Joan Ferguson pretty much is Wentworth.  
Vera enough, it's got to stop.  
Work. Concentrate. 

  


  


She was thankful she was called upon near enough from the minute she'd signed in and put her bag down, it'd keep her mind occupied. It certainly did that, between the groups of prisoners who had decided to try and start a riot first thing, women who had taken it upon themselves to try and get one past the guards in relation to sneaking things in via their 'visitors', the list went on, briefly she'd seen the woman in question to inform her of the things that had been happening during the day, but this was only on a professional level, therefore kept the discussions on track and got her in and out of the office in a prompt manner, not leaving space or time for anything else because the next incident the kind prisoners had decided to happen came up. Usually she'd be pulling her hair out on days like this, the constant running around, hassle, being pulled from pillar to post, but on this occasion on this day she was glad of it, glad of the dare she say it....distraction.  
Unfortunately every day and shift has it's finish, even this one, steadying herself outside the office door with the plaque with that formidable name on it, she knocked and took a deep breath as she heard the voice from the other side giving her permission to enter.  
"You wanted to see me governor..." her eyes reluctantly looking up at the figure stood behind her chair, leaning on the back of it.  
"Yes I did, it's been a rather stressful day today..." she started, flexing her neck to try and loosen the tension that was there, silently walking past the other woman and into the other part of her office leaving Vera stood by the other chair, listening to what was happening on the other side of the wall.  
Now leaning on the back of the chair, she strained her ears to listen when Joan didn't appear, jumping as she heard a smash from the other room, immediately rushing to the noise, being met with the sight of her boss leant forward against the counter top, her eyes closed, the sound of the smash littered all over the floor at her feet, a cup. Looking between the woman and the floor, she became aware of noise coming from the taller woman, what was that, a sigh mixed with a whimper, her brain furiously trying to decide what to do for the best, do I clean the porcelain up or try and help Joan.  
"Bloody thing slipped out of my hand, I can't even pour a drink..." the older woman's tone tired and flat, being followed by her shaking her head, scoffing at herself. Moving forward Vera put her hand on Joan's upper arm, the older woman flinched at the contact.  
"Don't!". Vera pulled her hand away before asking. "Why?". "Just don't, I'm not worth it". Vera frowned.  
"That's not true...". What was that she heard from the woman still leant in front of her, a sniffle?  
  
  
  
Joan nodded.  
"Yes it is, I'm not worth it, I don't deserve it ok, so don't do it. Don't touch a worthless woman like me, I don't deserve it from you or anybody, I don't warrant that sort of treatment" her tone firm and harsh. "It's not true, you do deserve it" she tried again. Silently Joan turned her head, fixing her eyes with the blue ones close by.  
"I. Don't". Vera swallowed down the lump that had formed as soon as Joan looked at her, those big brown eyes, those eyes that she'd heard people say were empty behind, that there was no soul in them. But there was, she'd seen a glimmer of it that night at dinner, the gesture of her boss's hand over her, the smile that she gave when she did it.  
Third time lucky, let's hope it's a charm like they say.  
"You do Joan.." her tone soft and caring, saying a silent prayer before replacing her hand back on the upper arm where it'd been before. Brown eyes moved from blue down to the touch that had been placed back upon her, not at her request but freely.  
Back to the blue eyes she looked, studying, searching, waiting.  
She's got some front I'll give her that, even after me telling her not to give me sympathy or be nice to me she comes back for more, telling me I do deserve it as well as touching me.  
Why is it anyone else I'd be raging at, pushing them off, shouting at them, not allowing them near me, but here, with her I'm not, what is going on here, what is happening. "Why are you touching me?" the question breaking them out of the silence, causing Vera to keep her eyes on Joan, and her hand where it is as she answered.  
"Because I thought you could do with some comfort and decided this was the best way considering the situation, why do you ask?" maybe she shouldn't have added the last bit but hell Joan asked her a question so she was asking her own. Joan's nostrils flared a little as she considered the question put to her, the word comfort not a topic she had that much experience in, especially not towards herself from another person.  
"I ask...I ask because, because you did it without me asking you". Vera nodded yes.  
"I did, because that's what can happen sometimes, people can give it freely without being asked, in this situation you needed comfort so that is what I gave you" her tone expressing the honesty in her words.  
Is it wrong I like her hand on my arm, she says it's for comfort and why is it that it's doing just that, comforting me, or is that her, all of her. Joan stop, emotion leads to mistakes. Mistakes Joan, mistakes and you're not allowed to make them.  
The dark haired woman shook her head suddenly, frowning at her thoughts, clamping her eyes shut, wanting to shake herself out of the situation she was in, suddenly feeling uneasy at the contact.  
A frown crossed the smaller woman's brow as she felt Joan tense and then shake her head, sensing her distress. No words as she very gently rubbed her upper arm, not moving away or towards her.  
Push her off Joan, push her off, she's touching you.  
Loss of control, emotions, not good.  
Her head was spinning, her thoughts racing, trying to decide what to do, the voice of her father in her ears, in her head, filling her mind.  
She let a whimper escape, a pained noise, anything to try to release some of this pain.  
"It's ok Joan, it's ok, shhh...". Vera grimaced for the older woman who seemed in a considerable amount of distress wanting to help, stop it, anything to make it that bit easier. Still she rubbed her arm, still she hushed soothingly.  
Ears ringing but then quietening, mind spinning then slowing, but how, what, why, that voice, what is it, whose it is, unable to separate the noises straight away, her brain straining to make sense of the audio filling her being.  
  
  
"Shhhh, I'm here, you're not on your own, shhh...".  
There is it again, becoming aware of it being nearby, very nearby, next to her.  
Dare she open her eyes, dare she look.  
She swallowed trying to gain some kind of composure, trying to get some saliva in her mouth that had become so very dry. Taking another deep breath, even more aware of her calming thoughts that were being aided by the soothing voice beside her, she slowly opened her eyes, the lashes parting to reveal the face of Vera, stood that little bit closer, rubbing her arm and looking at her, a look of concern mixed with care on her face, her features soft, blue eyes twinkling under the spot lights of the ceiling above where they stood.  
Joan's breathing calmed, beads of sweat on her forehead, Vera noticed these but didn't say, more bothered about the health and welfare of the woman at her side.  
"I'm sorry.." the dark haired woman mumbled softly, feeling embarrassed and vulnerable at having got upset in front of her deputy. Vera shook her head, sympathetically. "There's no need to say sorry, no need at all..." her voice gentle and calm, smiling softly before adding.  
"It's been a long day for us all...." taking a tentative pause knowing the risk she was taking by asking the next part, it being purely meant as a kind gesture and hoping for it to come across in that way. "Would...would erm you like me...allow me to drop you at home, just to know you're home and safe..." her breath hitching in her throat, suddenly more nervous. Her take me home.  
Her drive me home. No one has ever offered this.  
Dare I accept, wouldn't it be a loss of control.  
Joan studied the eyes looking straight at her, those blue eyes full of what was that, care, concern, sympathy.  
She isn't looking at me and pitying me, not forcing me, she's...she's caring for me.  
Joan swallowed hard, taking a moment before replying. "I erm...I..." her brain fighting between what she knew she'd usually say and how she felt and what she wanted to say in this moment.  
"It's ok, take your time.." again rubbing her hand against the fabric covering that strong upper arm.  
The dark haired woman took a breath, glancing away before back to Vera. "I...what would you do, just take me home?". Vera nodded. "Yes, I'll drop you off outside just to make sure you got home safe, it's been a long and stressful day and you're exhausted, I'd just like to know that you're home safe" and she did, she couldn't help but want to make doubly sure her boss got home safe, never had she been so forthcoming with wanting to take someone home before, especially not another woman, but this time it was different, this woman was different. She made Vera feel different.  
After a few minutes of silence Joan nodded her response.  
"Ok, ok then" her voice soft and tired. Vera smiled, removing her hand. She heard a sigh from the other woman at her action, had she caused this due to her lack of contact, did Joan actually like her touching her, having that contact with her, it seemed so.  
The rubbing of her arm had calmed her down, so much so that she was allowing her to drop her off home, she wasn't objecting, she wasn't shouting, she was calm and letting Vera help, maybe Joan Ferguson liked the physical contact from her deputy.  
  
  
Collecting their belongings and then signing out at the desk, they walked in silence to Vera's car, heading out of the gates and to Joan's house, the dark haired woman sat back in the passenger seat, gazing out of the window. Not being able to help herself as she drove Vera found herself catching a look at the woman beside her out of the corner of her eye, how her frame filled the chair, her legs filling the foot well where hers didn't even remotely fill half of that gap.  
Eyes on the road Bennett, concentrate woman.  
It was there again, she was checking out Joan Ferguson.  
Moving eyes from the door window to the windscreen, then looking out of the corner of her eye, she looked over that small frame sat in the driver's seat, hands gripping the steering wheel, blue eyes focused on the road, tapping her fingers along with the song on the radio, unable to help quickly smile to herself at the woman next to her, almost feeling disappointment when her house came into view, Vera pulling up outside her door, stopping the car and putting the handbrake on, turning to Joan and smiling. She looked back at her, not moving, her eyes fixed with the blue ones.  
Come on Joan, get out of the car, you're here at home, time to go inside.  
This is what her brain was telling her, but her body wasn't following suit at that moment, it wasn't listening, didn't want to listen, was happy where it was.  
Wait a minute what was that word.  
Happy. Happy where she was.  
Joan Ferguson doesn't do happy. Can't do happy. Doesn't know what that word means.  
"Would you like me to come in with you?" was the soft question from the younger woman. She wanted to make sure her boss was alright, but didn't know how far to go with it, she'd dropped her home so maybe this was enough, she said she'd just do this, to make sure she got home safe.  
Joan shook her head. "That's ok Vera, I'll be fine now, thank you though" she had no right to ask for anything else of this woman, she'd done far too much for her already. "As long as you're sure..." taking what was that a deep breath watching as Joan grabbed the handle of the door to get out, quickly taking a chance and asking.  
"I erm...I was just wondering, I mean I know you'll probably be busy or something or but...maybe...maybe you'd like to go for dinner on Saturday night, I understand if you don't...no pressure obviously" she babbled, forcing herself to hush, her hands together in her lap, rubbing them together to try and rid the film of nervous perspiration that had formed. Joan's head snapped round as she heard Vera speak, big brown eyes searching the face, looking for any sign of anything hidden behind the offer being posed to her, yet she couldn't find anything, feeling her own body start to feel clammy at what had just been put to her, she couldn't decide, her head wouldn't let her right then and there, she needed time.  
"Erm... well..." swallowing, swallowing again. "Can I think about it?". "Of course, like I say it's just a thought, no pressure or need to, just a suggestion" wondering if maybe it wasn't as good an idea now she'd said it out loud.  
Stupid Vera, stupid, why didn't you just say nothing, just drop her off and say nothing.  
A nod from Joan as she opened the car door. "Goodnight Vera" closing the door and walking around the car to her front door.  
"Goodnight Joan" as the woman turned at the sound and then she was gone, into the house.  
  
  
Vera closed her eyes, head on the steering wheel for a few moments.  
Come on Bennett home time, there's been enough drama for one day.  
Turning the radio up a bit louder she drove home, yawning as she pulled into the drive, out of the car, locking it and then into the house. Not bothering to cook any food, she grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and headed upstairs, showered, pyjamas on and then straight into bed, letting herself relax into the pillows, closing her eyes. Suddenly a buzz from beside her.  
Her phone.  
Sighing she inched herself up, reaching over to pick it up from the beside drawer. Who could be messaging her at this time of night.  
The screen lit up.  
A message. From Joan Ferguson.  
Ok that wasn't unusual.  
She was her boss and had her number, maybe she needed to let her know something to do with work tomorrow.  
But at this time of night.  
With a shrug she opened it to read.  
**_To what you asked before in the car, I'd like to accept. Thank you. Joan._**  
If she'd read it once she'd read it 10 times, Joan had accepted, she'd accepted her offer of dinner.  
She Vera Bennett was going to be going out on Saturday night with Joan Ferguson for dinner.  
Bloody hell fire, best get prepared for this one girl, this had the potential to go in any which way you could think of, this could if worst came to worse a disaster or by some small glimmer of hope that poked through, it could actually go well.  
The clock had begun ticking down to Saturday night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your lovely comments you leave me, they make me smile a lot and I appreciate every one of them! :D  
> I'm glad you're all enjoying reading, I hope you continue to enjoy the next chapter as much :) x

Just open the door Vera and walk in.  
This is the conversation she'd been having with herself for the last few seconds or was it minutes as she stood outside the restaurant she'd booked a table in for them to have dinner. With another deep breath she gripped the handle and entered, the nerves in her stomach rising.  
Never had she been this effected by going to eat dinner with someone. Ok yes there hadn't been that many people but this was madness.  
The place she'd chosen was just out of town, not wanting to be right near Wentworth, she'd read reviews on it and they were all good, commenting on the lovely atmosphere and how good the food was. When she'd rang up she'd requested a quiet table if possible, a place they'd be tucked slightly away, able to talk and have nice conversation, that was the idea anyway.  
Straightening up as she walked towards the waiter stood at the plinth at the front of the eating area she scanned the tables, her eyes finding and locking onto the figure she instantly recognised sitting at the table nestled into one of the quiet corners sipping a glass of wine.  
Joan.  
She took another sip of wine to try and steady this feeling rising from her legs, what was it, surely not.  
Nerves.  
Was she nervous.  
Joan Ferguson nervous.  
Yes if she was going to be honest.  
Yes. She was nervous.  
Another gulp of wine.  
Her vision clearing as she lower the glass, being replaced by that of someone she'd know anywhere, heading towards the table.  
Dressed in a knee length lilac floral print dress, a thin belt showing off her small waist, a white button up cardigan on top, her hair loose and wavy around her shoulders, finished off with natural make up, a pink tinged gloss on her lips, a handbag to match her dress and little kitten heels on her feet. She looked the complete opposite to how she looked at Wentworth.  
Vera looked beautiful.  
Joan couldn't help but smile at her dinner guest, her eyes not seeming able to be tore away. Vera too was raking her eyes over the dark haired woman sat at the table, her long dark loose hair down her back and falling around her collar bones, framing that flawless face. She was wearing a off beige wrap around blouse that dropped into a slight v neck, just above bra level, dark fitted jeans, with black flat boots, a natural dust of make up on her face, a long necklace finishing her outfit.  
My god she looks so good in her own clothes out of work.  
Vera concentrate.  
Sitting down she smiled at Joan.  
"Evening Vera" breaking the ice between them.  
"Hello Joan..." well that's the first greeting out of the way.  
After exchanging a few more pleasantries and Vera ordering a drink, they then ordered their food when the server came over, the conversation slowing starting to pick up as they began to relax in each other's company.

 

 

  
Another few drinks came to the table followed not long after by two plates of food, both of them glancing at the others before picking up their cutlery and starting to eat, memories of the first dinner they'd shared together fresh in their minds, after a few mouthfuls of food to line their stomachs, the wine helping, conversation resumed, even more relaxed than before.  
"....and after that I vowed never to go in there again" finished Vera giggling, causing a hearty laugh from the woman across from her, her eyes closing as she laughed, dimples appearing on her cheeks, leaning forward and holding her stomach, still laughing.  
"Hey, you're not meant to laugh, you're meant to have sympathy because of my misfortune..." joked the lighter haired woman, grinning softly, this comment made Joan laugh again, tears pricking at her eyes, waving her hand in a gesture.  
"Oh I can't...my stomach hurts" wiping the tears from her cheeks.  
Vera took a sip from her glass, keeping her eyes on her companion.Being able to make and see Joan laugh was such a treat, the way her face lights up and the crinkles around them big brown eyes, the relaxation in her face and body, her hair falling even more forward to frame her face.  
With her breathing slowing down as she calmed herself, Joan felt her cheeks tingle from laughing so much, now this was one feeling she'd not felt in years if ever. It was such a strange situation she found herself in, here she was sat across from her deputy having had dinner with her, drinking wine, her stomach aching from being made laugh that much, letting go in a public place, surrounded by other people but not being that bothered since her attention had been focused entirely on the younger woman who joined her tonight.  
Is this what it felt like when people said about having a pleasant evening out, in good company and laughing until your stomach and cheeks hurt.  
She was enjoying herself.  
She felt comfortable.  
Dare she say it she had pangs of happiness.  
She did but what if Vera didn't. What if she wasn't having a nice time too.  
Was she? Did she ask her? Did she say nothing?  
Picking up her glass she put it to her lips, speaking softly. "Are you having a nice evening?" peeking over the rim of her glass, watching the other woman beam and nod.  
"Yes I am, are you?" Replacing the glass Joan smiled back. "I am yes" hardly believing the answer she'd given.  
Another bottle of wine was ordered to the table as still the conversation flowed, laughs and giggles permeating the air, various embarrassing work stories adding to these giggles, they discovered topics both of them liked that the other never knew, a deeper bond growing, catching glimpses of each other looking back across the table but then both of them in their mind dismissing it thinking it was just coincidence.  
Joan ordered them vodka tonics, handing her cash to the waiter as they moved into the bar area, taking a seat in the corner as their drinks arrive.  
"I'll not be a minute.." Vera murmured standing up, Joan frowned as she watched her get up, a sudden pang of fear flashed through her eyes that Vera spotted.  
"W..What?".  
"It's ok I'm just going to the bar, I'll be right back, I promise" having no idea why she'd said the last two words but after seeing the fear in Joan's eyes felt it warranted that little bit of reassurance.  
A nod from Joan and Vera moved to the bar, causing the dark haired woman to relax back in her seat after hearing reassurance that she'd be coming back.  
Jeez woman calm down, if she wants to get up she's allowed to, if she wanted to leave then she's allowed to do that too.  
Leave.  
A stomach twinge.  
That twinge registered in Joan's head.  
She didn't want her to leave.  
Sure enough a few minutes later she did as she said, sitting back in her seat, her leg brushing the older woman's, both swallowing in tandem as they felt that familiar and now becoming common fizzle of electricity between them.

 

 

  
"Everything ok?" came the question from Joan as she picked up her glass. Vera nodded. "Everything's fine, just settled the food bill that's all".  
"We should've gone halves at least for that.." parting her glass from her lips, watching Vera shake her head.  
"Not at all, I asked you and it was my idea, so I pay" was the firm, but happy answer.  
She paid for our dinner, that's not right, I should have put my half at least to it, if she'd have told me what she was doing I could have.  
But she wasn't going to do that was she.  
It was very kind of her though, no one has ever bought me dinner before.  
"Thank you Vera that's very kind, next time it's..." stopping mid sentence at what she was saying.  
I've said it again, just like I did when she had dinner at my house, saying about next time.  
Come on Ferguson get a grip.  
Next time, next time, she's probably not even thinking about a next time, after tonight it'll just be as it always has been, you work together and that's that, stop kidding yourself.  
There's no way...her rapid train of thought being derailed by a voice teamed with a touch, the hand she'd rested on her knee had a hand on top of it....Vera's, it was Vera's voice too. "I'd like there to be a next time...if you would too" blue eyes looking over at her, smiling hopefully.  
Them eyes, those blue eyes.  
I seem to get lost in them.  
They are so open, so kind, so blue, so welcoming.  
Teamed with that face, open, soft, happy.  
When I look into them I seem to lose where I am.  
Back to the question Ferguson.  
Joan paused, her mind weighing up what had been asked of her.  
Did she be honest, admit the truth to the woman across from her, touching her.  
Or did she lie, say the opposite of what she felt.  
Again she looked at Vera. She couldn't lie it seemed to that face.  
She nodded. "I...I would too" her voice quiet, but Vera heard it, the smile not moving, causing the corners of Joan's mouth to join in the smiles, relaxing again, Vera reluctantly letting go of Joan's hand to sit back in her chair as they continued their evening.  
  
  
After a few more drinks and deciding to call it a night the waiter behind the bar called them a taxi, telling them it might be a bit of wait, not fussed it seemed by this they headed outside to wait for it in the car park. Vera glanced up at the woman next to her, her eyes taking in her features for the god knows how many times that night. God she's gorgeous.  
Them big brown eyes, those neat eyebrows, oh so kissable lips. Her mind trying to imagine what it'd be like to kiss them, have them against hers, her hands getting to touch that shiny head of hair.  
This causing a fizz in her stomach.  
Vera enough of this, why are you thinking such things.  
"Oh to kiss you..." came the sudden whisper from Vera, accidently saying her thoughts out loud, gasping and clamping her hand over her mouth as she realised what she said, her heart dropping through the floor as Joan turned to look down at her, hearing what she'd said.  
Vera closed her eyes, her heart racing in fear at what she'd just said and what a mistake she'd made.  
"What did you say?" Joan asked.  
"N...Nothing...nothing..." scrabbling for any hole to appear in the tarmac beneath her feet to swallow her up.  
Joan fully turned to face her, knowing what she'd heard her say.  
She wants to kiss me, Vera Bennett said she wanted to kiss me.  
"You said you want to kiss me, didn't you?" eyes staying on the small woman.  
Opening her eyes to the sight in front of her, she went to shake her head, but not wanting to lie to Joan no matter how scared she was, she nodded confirming Joan's question, quickly saying.  
"But...but I didn't mean to, I shouldn't have, shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry, it's my mistake, it's my fault, I'm sorry Joan....I'm sorry..." starting to get upset, tears pooling in her eyes, continuing to say. "I'll walk home, get out of your way, I'm sorry, you'll only have to see me at work..." turning to walk away, being stopped by a hand gripping her upper arm and moving them away from the main entrance and to the side of the building out of the main view of the now nearly empty restaurant, but still getting the light from the car park.  
Vera's breath hitched nervously in her throat, tear marks down her cheeks as she looked up to the figure now stood in front of her, eyes looking right down into hers.  
She said she wants to kiss me.  
No one has ever said that before about me.  
Does she really want to or has she just made it up, something to say.  
This is a position I've never been in before.  
This thought enough to fire up nerves in the bottom of Joan's stomach.  
"Did you mean it what you said just now?" swallowing the nervous lump in her throat.  
Vera also swallowed not knowing what either answer she could give might do. Blue eyes searched brown ones, searched for any kind of clue as to whether this was a set up, some kind of trick to catch her out, get her in some kind of trouble, she saw none, no deception, no deceit, just the question, the question from the woman who caused them butterflies in her stomach.  
The smaller woman nodded.  
"Y..Yes..I did mean it".  
Now it was Joan's turn to searched Vera's eyes, looking for any signs of lies, underhand tactics, any form of a set up, that she was doing and saying this for a certain reason than because she genuinely wanted to, Joan also found none of these things, just them trusting and truthful eyes that had her transfixed.  
Now it was decision time.  
 Did she give her permission to.  
Let Vera kiss her?  
But what if she didn't like it, if Vera didn't like kissing Joan.  
What if she disappointed Vera.  
Hang on a minute since when had the tables turned that much, wasn't it meant to be the other way around.  
I do want and have for a while wanted to know what'd be like to feel them lips against mine, that small body close to mine, small hands in my hair.  
But I don't do all this emotional, getting close to people complicated thing.  
Or I thought I didn't, before her. Before she came in and changed it.  
Without thinking she uttered the words.  
  
  
  
"D..Do it then..." Joan mumbled timidly, leaning down, wondering instantly if she should have, these thoughts evaporating into the night air as she felt hands on her cheeks, causing her to close her eyes, a soft set of lips being pressed to hers, the contact causing a gasp to stick in her throat, her hands slowly moving from by her sides, knowing instantly where they wanted to go and that was around the small waist of the woman in front of her, pulling Vera into her body, having this sudden urge to have her close against her, the contact causing a soft whimper of approval from the smaller woman, whose hands were now threaded into the dark locks she'd thought about touching for so long, her lips moving in time to those of Joan's, very carefully using her tongue against Joan's lower lip to see if she'd allow her access.  
Joan gave a soft groan at the delicate touch of the other woman's tongue against her lip, her mouth opening and allowing the touch, their tongue's gently tickling one another, experiencing for the first time.  
Oh my god what is happening, I've never felt like this before.  
Never kissed someone like this before, let alone let them kiss me.  
But here I am in a car park allowing this petite wonderful creature to do just that and I don't feel scared or want to run, I feel safe.  
Feel wanted.  
Still they kissed, Vera wrapping her arms around Joan's neck, loving the feeling of Joan's hair against her arms, lips against her lips, her body feeling safe and tingly in the strong arms of the other woman Joan pulled her flush against her body, enjoying the close contact, her arms easily holding the smaller woman, hands carefully resting on her over her clothes not wanting to hurt her, her lips and body basking in the warm feeling of being close to someone physically and having them close to you.  
Soft moans and murmurs of approval rose up in the night air, in between the soft and gentle kisses, coming apart when both lungs ran out of oxygen, panting softly as they looked at one another, not moving from having their arms around the other.  
Vera searched the dark brown orbs that were shining with what was that...happiness, approval. As Joan searched the blue orbs staring right at her, they had that sparkle in she'd recently become more familiar with.  
Seeing the sparkle Joan smiled shyly, knowing what they just done, suddenly feeling vulnerable. The blue eyes spotted this look immediately, returning the smile.  
"It's ok Joan, you don't have to be shy" her voice soft and reassuring.  
Hearing the words filling her ears Joan relaxed, the look in her eyes telling Vera she'd enjoyed it too, more than any words could at that very moment, their gazes being parted by the sound of a car horn from the car park.  
The taxi.  
Reluctantly their arms loosened and released the other woman, but not before Joan reached down, eyes still forward and gave Vera's hand a squeeze, the small woman smiling at the gesture, both of them moving to either side of the car and getting in, Vera giving her address to the driver, Joan saying she'd like to walk home when the taxi dropped them off seen as it wasn't too far away.  
The driver drove off after dropping both women off, walking up Vera's drive side by side, a comfortable silence as she reached into her handbag for her front door key, putting it in the lock and then turning back to Joan, looking up into her eyes.

 

 

  
"Here we are then.." not knowing what else to say.  
A customary nod from Joan teamed with a smile.  
"Well, thank you for a nice evening Joan, I've had a lovely time..." her smile growing as she looked into the dark brown eyes of the governor.  
"Thank you Vera, I've enjoyed myself immensely" the smile conveying the fact her words were true, she had enjoyed herself, leaning down and placing a light kiss on the cheek of her deputy, her nose brushing Vera's ear, causing a shiver down the petite woman's spine, the contact causing Joan's stomach to tingle, it radiating down her legs, pooling in her feet.  
"Please let me know when you get home, just so I know you're safe?".  
"I will" turning on her heels, striding down the drive, half turning her head for one last glance at the woman stood at the door, smiling shyly, facing back forwards and vanishing into the dark of the night.  
Shutting and locking the door behind her, Joan moved through to her kitchen after hanging her coat up and putting her keys in the bowl and flicking a couple of the spot lights on, taking her phone out of her pocket, opening up her messages to Vera, with lightly shaking hands typing out a new one.  
_**I've just got home. Thank you again for a lovely evening, I wasn't expecting what happened waiting for the taxi, it surprised me a lot to say the least, but not in a bad way. Joan.**_ Holding her breath for a few minutes she re read what she'd sent, her mind replaying the nights events as she poured a glass of water, turned the lights off and headed upstairs into her bedroom, placing the glass and her phone on the bedside drawer.  
Changing out of her clothes she hung them up, pulling on her pyjamas, before shuffling under the covers, her mind glancing at the space beside trying to picture Vera in with her, close to her like she had been tonight.  
Would she lie beside me or want to be held?  
Have my arms around her?  
Lay on me, or me on her.  
Her small frame cuddled tight against me like tonight, feeling the warmth radiate between us.  
A buzz from her phone to signal a message.  
Picking it up, squinting at the glare from the screen she opened it to read what had been sent.  
Vera.  
**_I'm glad you're home safely. Thank you for a lovely evening, I really enjoyed myself and I too wasn't expecting what happened tonight, but I'm glad it did. Hope you sleep well tonight. V._**  
V.  
Not Vera.  
V.  
And she was glad that what happened tonight. She was glad she kissed me.  
Glad.  
Typing back she wrote.  
**Sleep well Vera. Joan.**  
Putting her phone back on the side she repeated that message over in her head, her hand moving to her lips, tracing her fingertips there, the place right where Vera's lips had been.  
They were soft, gentle, just like those hands were in her hair, not pulling or rough but gentle.  
She'd cupped my face, held it like it was a piece of porcelain that required this type of treatment, like I deserved this kind of treatment, the thought of the kiss again causing a tingle between her thighs, this as well as a warm hum in her body.  
Ok she'd kissed you and seemed to enjoy it but that's just once, she might change her opinion in the morning or when you get back to work, you're older than her, she's younger and fresher, not been exposed to as much as you, why would she want you in the same way you're finding yourself more often than not these days wanting to be close to you.  
Laying in bed with these thoughts running through her mind, Joan's eyes closed as she realised she had been thinking about Vera more and more since that dinner, feeling a sense of loss when she left her office after a shift and the sense of worry when she'd gone to pay the bill tonight, worrying she might be leaving to go home, cutting their dinner short.  
Joan sighed at her thoughts, a light churning in her stomach at having these feelings, strange feelings she wasn't used to, didn't know what to do with, how to express them, how to or if at all act on them, how did you act on such feelings and what if they weren't fully reciprocated by the other party then what?  
She shook her head, willing herself to stop the analysing and go to sleep.  
Sleep, another foreign concept these days, especially after crazy working days at Wentworth, coming back here to her home alone, eating alone, going to bed alone.  
Alone.  
She liked alone though, was used to being alone, always has been alone, or at least she thought she was until a certain deputy had started creeping into her thoughts, her mind.....could she have possibly opened a crack in the prison that had kept her heart locked up out of bounds for anyone at all too?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much again for all your wonderful comments,they make me smile so much and I appreciate every one of them! :D

Looking up from her paperwork she took a couple of minutes to study the woman who was across from her at the desk, totally unaware that she was being watched.  
Vera.  
That name.  
That name that had become a returning one in her mind.  
It'd been two days since their evening out and still there it was.  
Their shift had ended an hour or so ago but the amount of paperwork from the day had meant both of them in the governor's office out of hours just to get it cleared.  
"Vera?".  
"Yes, Joan?" her eyes still on what she was working on.  
"Saturday night...".  
"Yes..." glancing up to Joan, pausing her writing.  
Joan swallowed as she connected with the blue eyes of her deputy.  
Vera waited for a response.  
"When we....when we...when we...".  
"Kissed..." Vera finished for her.  
"Yes that, was it..." cogs in her mind whirring to find the right words.  
Come on Joan if you're going to say it then just say it.  
Again she attempted.  
Eyes down to the papers, then up again.  
"Was it...for you, I mean did you...".  
Vera put her pen down seeing the older woman fighting her words.  
"Did I like it?".  
Joan nodded her yes.  
Vera then returned that nod.  
"I did, I wouldn't have done it otherwise".  
Well that was one matter sorted in Joan's mind, Vera had actually liked it like was claimed on the night, but what if she'd just done it for the sake of it, some other matter she wasn't privy to, a con, set up, something to 'out' Joan, humiliate her?

 

"But did you really? I mean...you could have just done it for the sake of it, for something to do, I mean I am your boss, you're my deputy how do I know..." her words coming out fast and in a babble, her nerves rising as she spoke, not looking at Vera anymore, not being able to.  
Vera frowned as Joan babbled, sensing the atmosphere changing in the room, watching as her boss got to feet and started pacing beside the desk, her fist balled at her sides.  
"Yes you are my boss, but I don't do things like that lightly believe it or not, especially not with my boss...".  
"But...but you might have some plan, what if it gets out, what if you didn't really like it, just did it and now regret it, it'd..it'd ruin things, ruin me, I'd be humiliated, alone, laughed at, people would called me a freak, I'd get sacked, have no job no nothing, things would crash down on me, what if I had to go away then, away from everything all because of what happened, I'd lose everything, lose my career, you..." suddenly stopping from rambling as her body began shaking, her hand tapping her forehead, almost like she was trying to empty her thoughts or stop them.  
Halfway through watching Joan pace about Vera had got up from her chair, moving nearby as she sensed the older woman getting more and more wound up, moving to place her hand on her upper arm like she had in the past, it being batted away as soon as contact was made.  
"D...Don't touch me! Don't because you...you don't mean it, not like that!" her voice coming out in gasps, her breathing ragged.  
The younger woman frowned.  
"What do you mean I don't mean it like that...like what?".  
"Y...You know what I mean, like that, not, not in a friendly way but the other way, I don't want you doing it to pity me because you feel you have to, I'd rather you left me alone!" desperately trying to hold onto the firmness in her voice.  
Moving her hand Vera took a moment to try and process the information she was being bombarded with, jumping back as Joan picked up the empty glass she'd been drinking from whilst working and launching it at the wall, the force causing it to shatter over the office carpet, the younger woman moving out of the way, her head snapping back to the trembling figure whose eyes were locked on her.

 

"N...now you can go, tell everyone what a monster I am, tell them what we did and why you did it, to pity me, not because you liked it and me..." suddenly her breath hitching as she spoke, knowing she'd said more than she'd wanted, her trembling tone not one of aggression but of what was that Vera heard, sadness, upset, fear.  
Staying where she stood, Vera looked into the eyes not moving from hers, deep into those dark eyes, those sad and hurt eyes, she didn't see aggression, the opposite, she saw someone who had had aggression directed at her from a young age and needed comfort, reassurance.  
"Have you finished yet?" her tone soft, raising her eyebrows.  
Wait, what this isn't meant to be her response.  
The response totally throwing the older woman, fully expecting her deputy to be out of the door after shouting all manner of things at her.  
Joan swallowed not saying anything, her hands trembling, breathing heavy.  
"Well, have you, Joan answer me, have you finished yet?" her tone more firm.  
Again a swallow, her eyes taking a look at the smashed glass on the floor, back to Vera they went before she nodded to the question posed to her.  
"Is that a yes?" wanting an actual verbal answer from the woman in question.  
"Y...Yes" Joan whispered, swallowing the upset lump in her throat, eyes to the floor.  
Without another word Vera was over to the dark haired woman, standing in front of her.  
"For the record I don't think you're a monster, also while we're here I didn't kiss you because I pity you or for some other reason you might have made up in your head. I did it because I wanted to, I wanted to kiss you because I happen to like you, are you listening to me Joan..." hands on the still balled fists she'd taken hold of as she carried on speaking, her voice soft. "I like you, as a friend yes but it's grown past that kind of liking too, past more than a friend".  
She likes me more than a friend.  
More than a friend.  
What.  
Really.  
The words going around the governor's head until her brain registered what they actually meant. Eyes moving from the floor to settle on the woman who'd said them, a couple of swallows still not getting rid of the lump, not quite sure what to say, words failing her, that was until she felt damp on one of her cheeks, then the other, tears. Her legs suddenly not strong enough to hold her up, sinking to her knees, her body giving up and expelling her feelings, coming out in body racking sobs.  
Vera sat on the floor, her arms around the upper body of Joan pulling her into her chest, her cheek against the top of Joan's hair, rocking her soothingly as she whispered.  
"It's alright, I'm here....shhh" her own eyes closing at hearing the woman in her arms so upset.

 

Un clenching her fists Joan reached her arms out and put them where they'd been only a couple of nights before, around the waist of the small woman who was holding her, Vera smiling to herself at the contact, her hand rounding smoothing motions on Joan's back.  
Vera wasn't aware of how long they'd been sat there as she felt the sobs slowing down and then stop, not moving until Joan did, wanting the older woman to feel ok to move herself.  
Sniffing Joan moved her head out from its place under Vera's chin, raising her eyes to look up at the other woman, a wave of relief washing over her as she saw Vera smiling down at her.  
"Ok?" came the whisper from the smaller woman.  
Joan nodded, a hand across her face trying to remove the remaining tears on her cheeks.  
"I think it's time we went home don't you?".  
Again the governor nodded, finding her voice and stating.  
"I...I don't want to be on my own tonight...".  
Her own head wondering if she had heard this statement right.  
What is going on, I can't be thinking straight.  
What is happening to me.  
Why don't I feel stupid or anything stating this.  
"Then I'll stay with you, we'll go now and I'll stay with you at your house if that's what you want?".  
"P...please".  
Arriving at her house, with Vera parking behind her, Joan moved into the house, her coat being hung up, keys in the bowl, shoes off, roughly unpinning her bun, not bothering about anything else, moving to the sofa, aware of Vera sitting down next to her, saying nothing as she looked to her, her face saying the vulnerability she was feeling.  
Vera saw it.  
Look at her, she's so vulnerable.  
People who don't know or understand her haven't a clue.  
Monster.  
No.  
More like emotionally neglected.

 

"It's alright, I'm here and will just sit here with you" her voice caring and understanding.  
I want her to hold me, but what would she say.  
I've never asked anyone to hold me.  
Never dared, because of what they might say.  
Dare I ask her.  
She held me before in the office, maybe she'd do it again.  
Just ask her Joan.  
"W...would you hold me, please?" dark brown eyes pleading, unsure now of the request she'd just put forth.  
"Of course I will" gathering Joan into her arms without hesitation, Joan shuffling and snuggling into Vera, burying her face into her neck, closing her eyes.  
Feeling the older woman in her arms, Vera smiled to herself, her hand gently stroking through the dark locks as she felt Joan relax more at the touch, one of her boss's arms laying across her stomach, the hand resting on her hip.  
She rested her cheek on the top of Joan's head again, listening as she heard Joan whisper.  
"Thank you.." and then nuzzle into her more, this gesture meaning more at that moment than any words could.  
"You're welcome" she whispered back, tenderly adding. "Now go to sleep, I've got you, you're safe".  
She's holding me, reassuring me, not shouting or running away.  
Her arms are tight around me making me feel secure.  
Dare I close my eyes, dare I fall asleep.  
Do I trust her enough?  
Do I?  
Yes.  
Somehow yes I do.  
I do trust her.  
Right now and in this moment I might just trust her more than I've trusted anyone. Her heavy and sleep laden eyes closed, allowing herself to drift off to sleep in her deputy's arms.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the best, reading and then leaving such amazing comments for me, thank you every single one of you for every single one of them, it means a lot! :D

Opening her eyes slowly, Joan squinted against the faint light peeking in through the living room window blinds, her hand reaching for the phone on the coffee table as the alarm went off becoming aware that she wasn't just led on the sofa, but on a body who was also sat on the sofa.  
Vera.  
Still the smaller woman's arms cradled her, the noise causing the deputy to stir, blue eyes opening trying to focus, as she glanced around the room and then down to the figure in her arms.  
Joan.  
She'd not moved all night so it seemed, who'd have thought that.  
Vera smiled down as the taller woman raised her head to be on level with her deputy's, obviously not used to being in this kind of morning situation, the smile enough to get a smile back from her boss.  
"Good morning Joan".  
"Good morning Vera" sitting up reluctantly from where she'd been settled. "Coffee?".  
"Yes please.." she nodded, her arms feeling empty watching Joan get to her feet and move into the kitchen, sleepily opening and closing cupboards, before the coffee machine whirred on, the aroma wafting in her direction, pulling her to her feet and over to the governor.  
Leaning on the island awkwardly she fiddled with her hands, unsure of what to say.  
"Smells like good coffee" came the quiet comment, to which Joan looked over, coming to stand near her.  
She cleared her throat, repeating the action and taking a breath, dark brown eyes looking into blue ones.  
God them blue eyes.  
Sea blue eyes.  
Vera's eyes.

 

"W...what you said last night, in the office...about me.." the previous nights events flashing across her mind.  
"Yes..." waiting for her to continue.  
"Did...did you definitely mean it?" her voice soft.  
She nodded. "Yeah I did mean it, I don't say things like that lightly. I do like you more than a friend" searching Joan's face for a reaction, which she spotted as soon as her sentence finished, a red blush emerging on the fair skinned governors cheeks.  
What was that she felt on Vera's confirmation.  
Shy.  
Was it shy?  
Yes it was shy, shy but in a good way.  
This coming out at the shy smile that caused her to dip her head to look at the floor like a shy child, reaching out a hand to put her fingers under Joan's chin she raised the taller woman's face to look at hers, her hand lingering there.  
"That's better" smiling warmly up at Joan.  
Joan returned the smile.  
How does she do that?  
She made me blush like a child, but then wanted to look at me still.  
No one has ever made me blush before.  
And she likes me more than a friend.  
More than a friend, more.  
Past being a friend.  
Like...fancies me.  
"Do erm...well...I was just wondering if you might like to come over for dinner on Saturday, we're both not on shift till Sunday night, so I just thought you might like..." shuffling on the spot.  
"I'd love to.." her smile widening at Joan's offer.  
Joan's jaw relaxed under Vera's hand as she got the answer she was wanting, a bubble of excitement in her stomach at the prospect of having dinner again with her deputy.  
Hearing the whirring of the coffee machine stop, Joan took another look over Vera's face before making her way over and making the coffee, sitting to drink it in comfortable silence at the table, both then taking it in turns to shower and try their best to look as fresh as possible for work, this made easier by the fact Joan was in her house with a spare uniform.  
Couldn't it be Saturday already so Vera was here and we were having dinner as she drove to work that morning in front of said woman driving behind her.  
Bloody hell Ferguson since when did you become like a sappy teenager again.  
Not until her it seemed, glancing in her rear view mirror at the woman in question.  
The week passed rather uneventfully, the usual gripes from the prisoners but nothing that couldn't be handled and easily sorted out with a few choice words and threats from the officers and governor.  
Then in was Saturday night, the night.  
Bustling around in the kitchen Joan was checking that everything was cooking as it should be, being run with military precision, everything in time and ready for when the other things were ready so nothing would be late.  
Knock knock.  
She checked her watch.  
Right on time as always.  
Vera.

 

Taking a breath she moved across the wooden floor, her heels tapping with every step, opening the door and smiling as she saw her guest.  
"Hello..." the smile still there.  
"Hello Joan.." also the same smile, holding two bottles of wine, one in each hand, lifting them up to show the taller woman.  
"One Pinot, one Shiraz, I thought that it was a good idea after last time" a shy giggle at what she must sound like.  
That giggle is one of the cutest things I've ever heard.  
Look at her.  
Small, little dainty thing she is.  
So thoughtful and kind and she's my guest for the night.  
Joan smiled at the giggle.  
"It's a very good idea Vera, come in..." standing aside and holding the door as Vera moved into the house, Joan taking both bottles from her. "Please make yourself at home.." taking the bottles to the kitchen to put in the fridge.  
Vera moved more into the house after putting her bag and coat down near the door, eyes wandering at the various ornaments and trinkets around the house, being able to look properly it seemed than her previous visits.  
"Can I get you a drink?" was the call from the kitchen.  
"Yes please, I'll have a glass of wine if that's ok?" her eyes back to the space she was stood in, Joan moving over and handing her a glass.  
"Thank you.." taking it from the big hand that had just been cradling it.  
"I...these are for you" Joan remarked, producing a small bouquet of red roses from behind her back and handing them to Vera.  
She bought me flowers.  
That is one of the sweetest things I've ever seen.  
No one has ever bought me flowers before and especially not roses.  
"Oh Joan they're beautiful...thank you" genuinely surprised at the gesture and having never been given flowers from someone before, beaming up and gently kissing Joan's cheek, her eyes taking in the sight of the red blooms in her hands.  
Joan's smile widened at the other woman's obvious delight and surprise at her gift, her tummy tingling at the kiss, leaving her to admire her flowers as she dished up their food.  
Moving Vera's chair out for her to sit down, she then moved it back under the table, fetching the plates from the kitchen and serving the food.  
Conversation flowed easily between forkfuls of food, mouthfuls of wine and water, giggles and laughs mixed in with more stories and jokes passed between the two of them, even easier it seemed than the evening out they'd had not long ago.  
Clearing away the pots and dishes into the dishwasher, Joan had said to Vera to make herself comfy in the lounge and that she'd not be a minute, the smaller woman having tried to get Joan to let her help, this being instantly dismissed, telling her in no uncertain terms that she was the guest and to go and relax, it wouldn't take her long.  
Sure enough Joan was by her side not long after, a freshly opened bottle of wine on the table along with their glasses, sitting down next to the smaller woman Joan smiled, her dark eyes taking in Vera's features.  
She's beautiful and she doesn't even know it does she.  
How could she not though.  
I find her beautiful.  
Smiling back Vera moved closer to Joan, their thighs touching, causing a shiver in the older woman at the contact, her eyes moving down to Vera's full lips and then back to her eyes, lips and then eyes again.

 

"I would like to kiss you" she whispered, eyes not moving from the bright blue ones.  
"Kiss me..." her voice trying to get across how much she'd like her too.  
Permission granted she leaned into Vera's face, pressing her lips softly to the other woman's, arms around her and easily lifting her into her lap, feeling the legs around her waist and crossing at her back, smiling as she felt Vera smile and the arms around her neck which deepened their kiss, tongues merged in the other's mouths, soft moans moving between them.  
God I love feeling her long dark hair in my hands, it's so soft and so long, not to mention shiny and frames her face perfectly when she has it down, so much better than when it's scraped back in that tight bun.  
Joan's arms tightened around Vera, holding her close against her body as they kissed, her thumbs stroking her sides over her jumper.  
It seems I can't not hold her close when we kiss, my body just has to have her as close as possible to me, no gaps or spaces, I want her against me.  
Never have I wanted to hold someone so close, have that kind of contact, usually it's the opposite, I keep them as far away as possible, but not her, I want her close and I want to be close to her too.  
Vera smiled as she felt the strong arms around her, only parting because her lungs had used their oxygen supply and were crying out for a refill.  
Panting softly when their lips parted, liking the fact they were still close together, Joan leant her forehead against the other woman's looking deep into her eyes. Small hands moved from Joan's mane and came to rest on either side of her face, thumbs stroking either cheek as Vera returned her stare, getting absorbed into the dark brown eyes of the governor.  
"You're beautiful, do you know that?" Joan whispered tenderly never once breaking her eyes from the set mere millimetres from her own.  
A wide smile broke across Vera's lips, a shy hue highlighting her cheeks.  
"And you're gorgeous" the also whispered reply, now Joan's cheeks flushed with shyness in time with her beaming smile.  
Joan touched her lips back against Vera's in a soft kiss, breaking apart to gaze deep into her eyes.  
Never has anyone called me gorgeous before, no one.  
If they had I wouldn't have believed them, but I do with her.  
Her eyes speak truth.  
"No one has ever called me beautiful before" admitted Vera, her arms crossed over behind Joan's head.  
"They must be blind as well as stupid then, because you are beautiful, very beautiful" her voice dripping with honesty and tenderness.  
"Just like someone hasn't recognised how gorgeous you are because you really are Joan, not just in looks but in here too.." one of her hands coming from behind the taller woman's neck to lay over where her heart was.  
Hearing Vera's words and feeling her touch a single tear crept out and slid down Joan's cheek, being wiped away by the younger woman's thumb, then cupping her boss's cheek with the same hand, keeping their gazes together, murmuring.  
"It's true" watching as Joan leant her face into the touch, closing her eyes, enjoying the feel of the gentle skin of her deputy's hand against her cheek.  
Vera smiled as she watched her.  
She's so so gorgeous.  
How has no one recognised this.  
Yes she's got flaws and faults, but hasn't everyone?  
She's just like a timid little girl, not used to being loved and cared for by anyone.  
Well that's their loss because I will.  
I'll do just that, hopefully she'll let me, which she seems to be doing at the moment.  
Joan Ferguson you gorgeous woman.

 

Eye lashes parted to reshow the dark brown eyes of Joan, unable to take her eyes off the woman on her lap who still held her face.  
"Stay with me tonight, please?" her voice with a slight tremble of nerves at what she was asking.  
Vera nodded, smiling.  
"I'd like nothing more".  
In one sweeping motion Joan stood up from the couch, easily picking the small body of Vera up with her, legs still around her waist, vacating the living room and heading up the wooden stairs, into the corridor, pushing the door to her bedroom open with her nearest hand, shutting it closed with her foot.  
Vera glanced around the large room in wonder, it was so Joan, from the she was guessing king size bed in the middle of the room with the white and black duvet set, finished by numerous pillows of varying sizes, the gloss black wardrobe doors with chrome handles, a matching bedside drawer on either side of the bed itself a lamp in the middle of these, both matching of course, and the chest of drawers against the wall across from the bed that held a rather large flat screen TV on it, black to match the furniture.  
She watched as Vera took in her bedroom, apprehensive at what she might be thinking, never had anyone seen this deep into her home, the kitchen and living room being all they'd got to see, been allowed to see, yet now this other woman was here in her bedroom, surveying it before her.  
"What you do think?" she had to ask, get it out.  
"It's lovely Joan, it all matches and fits together so well".  
Tension lifted at the positive answer, Joan walked to the bed sitting down on the edge still holding Vera, looking at her.  
"No one has ever been in here before".  
"Then I feel privileged to be the one in here now".  
Another smile from the governor.  
"I'd like, I'd like..." she struggled finding her words, nerves seemingly blocking them from travelling to her mouth in order to voice what she'd like.  
Look at her, so confident and astute in work when the uniform and the 'mask' is on, but get her alone and in an intimate setting, trying to ask something and you see the real Joan, the shy, nervous, unsure Joan.  
Vera brushed her thumb against the strong neck of the other woman just behind her ear.  
"It's ok, take your time... what would you like".  
Joan swallowed feeling foolish at stammering her words, trying to voice what she'd like.  
Come on Joan.  
Deep breath.  
She's here and she's ok with this.  
Try again.  
"I'd like to, to hold each other in bed, to be...close".  
"Then that's what we'll do, although first I'd better take my boots off, not very comfy to wear in bed" joked Vera, getting a chuckle from Joan, getting out of Joan's arms and removing her boots, also taking her jumper off, leaving her t shirt and jeans on and climbing into the bed beside Joan who'd already gotten in, her own blouse being taken off and leaving her in just a camisole and jeans.

 

Shuffling across the vastness of the big bed under the fluffy duvet, Vera reconnected with the arms which made her feel the safest. Taking the position the other woman had with her the other night after work on the sofa, her head snuggling under Joan's chin, nose resting on the soft skin of her neck, not far from the pulse point of the dark haired woman, Joan wrapping Vera securely in her arms, their bodies flush against one another's.  
Vera smiled at how they were laying, reaching a hand up and stroking through the luscious locks of Joan, her hand coming to settle on Joan's breast bone, closing her eyes as she relaxed even more.  
She smiled at feeling Vera relaxed in her arms, her nostrils inhaling the floral scent of the other woman's shampoo, realising how close she had another human being to her and how she didn't feel scared or like she wanted to flee or run away.  
Why it was she couldn't really put a finger on it, or could she?  
Maybe the person, namely the woman in question who was in her arms.  
She was the reason for this sense of calm washing over Joan Ferguson.  
Making her feel able to voice her inner feelings, her wants, her fears.  
No one before her had been able to do this, people had come and gone, not even passing close to coming near her, in her personal space.  
Yet this petite wonderful woman had managed to sneak under the radar, get close without Joan even noticing until she was there in front of her.  
And now here she was wanting, this becoming more of a need as time went on, to have her close.  
Not having heard Vera speak for a good few minutes caused Joan to look down at the figure in her arms.  
A happy sigh leaving her lips as she gazed down at the now sleeping Vera, her breathing slow and steady, hand still resting on Joan's breast bone, snuggled in as far as she could to the taller women, head rested on Joan's shoulder, not a sign of any stress or distress over her features, feeling that safe and relaxed with Joan holding her that she'd fallen asleep.  
Being conscious of not disturbing or waking her companion, Joan placed a feather like kiss to Vera's forehead.  
"You really are so beautiful, I'm so glad you're here with me" was the tender whisper, taking a few more minutes to gaze at Vera, resting back on the pillows, her cheek leaning on the top of the smaller woman's head, letting herself enjoy the moment a while longer, and then closing her eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You guys comments make me smile loads, thank you so much! :D
> 
> Enjoy! :)

"I couldn't eat another bite" Vera chortled sitting back on her chair after finishing the breakfast Joan had cooked for them both the next morning.  
It was a strange concept having stayed the night at the governor's house after having dinner with her and then kissing her, waking up in her arms, now they'd just eaten breakfast and she was sat at the table watching the tall woman in the kitchen cleaning up.  
She moved around the space with such ease, hands working together to clean all the surfaces, pots and plates into the dishwasher, fully loaded and then it filled up and clicked into life.  
Leaning back more into her chair she kept her eyes on the other woman, eyes moving up and down her figure, how relaxed she seemed in her own space, her own space that had Vera in it.  
Sure she had done some things that weren't right, weren't nice but she's not evil, not a monster and not a freak.  
I don't think so anyway.  
People aren't able to get close enough to see past the facade that she has when she's at work.  
To see the real Joan Ferguson.  
This is what I'm experiencing now, she's letting me behind the battle armour she wears, letting me see bits of her a little at a time.  
The emotional Joan, the sensitive Joan, the vulnerable Joan.  
The person who seems to crave acceptance, understanding and dare I say it love.  
She finds voicing her needs and wants so hard, afraid of rejection she's probably suffered in the past at various hands, no wonder she doesn't trust people easily, going through all she's no doubt been through I don't think I'd trust easily and keep people at arm's length too.  
I wouldn't and couldn't hurt her, I want to show her that I'm not like those other people, that I want her for her.  
She's so strong, smart, funny, sensitive, not to mention gorgeous.  
If you'd have said I'd be saying this about a woman and even more so about this woman I'd have laughed in your face and called you crazy, but it's happening and it's happening about her.  
I want her.

 

"Earth to Vera, hello?" the dulcet tones that filled Vera's ears bringing her out of her daydream and back to the present, the looming figure of Joan sat in front of her, waving her hand.  
"What? Oh sorry, was in a world of my own then..." feeling somewhat embarrassed at being caught in her own world, thinking of Joan.  
"So it seems, was it nice where you were?" watching her from across the table.  
Vera smiled.  
"It was actually yes and would you like to know why?".  
Uh oh Vera this might not have been your wisest move, what if you scare her off? What if she finds it too much? What if she doesn't like this kind of talk?  
Too late now.  
Joan nods. "Yes I would".  
Your turn now Vera.  
A pause.  
"I was thinking about you".  
She waits for Joan's reaction, relieved to see a red blush creep up her cheeks, head dipping down to look at the table, causing her hair to fall into her face.  
Vera smiled widely at the blush, her stomach fizzing as she watched the dark haired woman raise her head again, the faint blush still visible.  
"Me?" she asked.  
"Yeah you, if you hadn't gathered I think about you rather a lot.." now it was her turn to be shy, chuckling at her own honesty.  
Joan smiled at her admission.  
"I might do the same..." surprising herself at her openness.  
Vera's smile widened.  
"Looks like we're even there then" causing the governor to chuckle.  
"Yes it appears so" reaching her hand across the table and placing it over Vera's.  
Feeling the touch Vera splayed her fingers, moved her hand backwards before tilting it up, causing the longer fingers of Joan to entwine with hers, her blue eyes on the other woman.  
Joan glanced down at their hands, studying them and how they looked together, how they felt, after a few minutes the big brown eyes were raised to look to blue, her smile growing, giving Vera's fingers a gentle squeeze.  
Keeping hold of her hand and getting up from her chair, Joan leaned over the table to Vera's face, applying her lips bravely to the other woman's, smiling as she felt Vera's free hand hold her face.  
I wouldn't normally act like this but I can't help myself.  
I want to kiss her.  
Have a need to kiss her.  
Feel her lips against mine.

 

Quickly she parted from the kiss, making her way around to the other side of the table, reconnecting their lips as Vera rose to her feet, their tongue's swirling around the others, soft moans filling the air.  
One of Joan's strong arms was around Vera's back, the other cupping her face as they kissed, the smaller woman's hands in the dark flowing hair, pulling their bodies flush together, moving in any direction until the bump of Vera's back against the kitchen island stopped them, leaning more into her Joan increased their kisses, both of them panting more.  
"I...I...I want to touch you..."came the panted and shy request from the older woman.  
I just want to know what she feels like.  
Her heat, her wetness.  
Her.  
What she feels like against my hand.  
Vera groaned, feeling the heat and wet between her thighs.  
"Touch me...".  
The hand from Vera's face she slid between the two of them, easily undoing the button and fly of her jeans, slipping between her knickers and skin to her destination, groaning at the feel of wetness against her fingers.  
"Oh my....oh my god" she sighed quietly, her fingers tracing the younger woman's folds, the first touch a nervous one, nervous at this being the first contact she'd had, but enough for her own core to release a patch of wet on her underwear.  
I don't usually feel nervous at touching someone but she's not just someone.  
She's her.  
She's Vera.  
Vera groaned at the touch, her hips bucking as Joan traced a path down her folds and back up, her thumb grazing her clit, causing her to moan again.  
With her fingers exploring the woman underneath her, feeling a bit more confident at the noises she was hearing, the taller woman started peppering kisses on Vera's neck, feeling her own skin tingling.  
Now this is one thing I've never done.  
I never kiss the woman's neck.  
Not have this close a contact against them.  
I don't do being close.  
Didn't.

 

Pulling the older woman more into her neck, Vera leaned back more against the island, her hips bucking even more as she felt a single finger dip into her core at the same time as a thumb was brushing her clit, the dual sensations making her head spin.  
"Oh yeah, right there..." she moaned louder than before, encouraging her, knowing she wouldn't take long.  
Joan reconnected their lips needing that contact, tongues battling again as she moved a finger in and out of Vera, the thumb still working over her clit, her knickers wet and core pulsating at what they were doing, her body buzzing with arousal for the woman in her arms.  
What is happening here.  
This feeling inside me.  
I'm doing this to her yet why do I feel all buzzing and warm.  
Tingly.  
Lighter.  
It's spreading throughout me, making my head spin, my breathing uneven.  
Gripping the dark locks even more in her hands as she kissed her, Vera bucked her hips even faster, feeling herself start to lose control, her body shaking at the hand of the older woman, her chest heaving with heavy breathing.  
"Joan, I'm going to c..." she moaned loudly against Joan's mouth before arching against the governor and flooding her hand with her release, causing a moan from Joan at the sound and feeling she'd just caused, holding her deputy close.  
Bloody hell.  
Did I just get to experience that.  
I just managed to achieve an orgasm in this wonderful creature.  
To get the chance to feel it, to hear it, enjoy it.  
Enjoy it.  
Enjoy having someone so close to me...again.  
Enjoy giving her pleasure.  
This in turn giving me...pleasure.  
Pleasure.  
Leaning forward she panted hard, her head on Joan's shoulder, her heart pounding in her chest.  
Joan gently withdrew her hand, resting it on Vera's waist, the other still around her body, asking.

 

"Are....are you ok?" her own sudden doubt at what they'd just done appearing, her earlier hint of confidence and previous actions now in doubt in her mind.  
Having regained her breath Vera sat up from her position, blue eyes finding brown, a smile making its way over her face as she nodded.  
"More than ok" causing Joan to smile in relief, people namely women she'd had encounters with in the past she'd usually not be bothered, it was a means to an end, just get it over with, do the deed and then see you later, not much of a regard for them, but this was different, this woman was different.  
She wasn't just some conquest, some woman, she was Vera, dare Joan hope for her to be her Vera.  
She wanted to know she'd enjoyed it, it sounded like she had, also that she'd not hurt her, since Vera hadn't been with a woman before, not many men either Joan guessed, another reason she wanted her to be ok, she wanted to make it right, do it right because it was Vera.  
"Sorry...Sorry I just couldn't help myself it seems, I wanted to touch you" it was true she couldn't, something had taken over and she wanted that bit more closeness with her.  
"You don't have to apologise for anything, quite the opposite" Vera smiled, chuckling when she realised what she said, her eyes with Joan's as she added. "I liked it, a lot" stroking Joan's cheek with her thumb.  
Now it was Joan's turn to chuckle, one hand brushing a strand of hair out of Vera's eyes.  
Vera glanced up to where the hair had moved from her face, then back to the woman in front of her.  
"Thank you".  
Joan frowned softly at the words, puzzled.  
"For what?".  
"Letting me be here with you" watching as Joan shook her head in response, placing a delicate kiss on Vera's cheek.  
"No, thank you for being here with me".

 

Vera closed her eyes at the gesture, feeling her cheek tingle as the older woman's lips touched her skin.  
Pulling back Joan watched as Vera stood with her eyes closed, smiling to herself.  
Look at her, she's just a marvel.  
Wavy hair moving to her face, a couple of beads of sweat yet to have evaporated on her forehead.  
Them blue eyes hidden behind them soft eyelids, framed by them light lashes.  
Full lips I seem drawn to.  
Petite.  
Perfect.  
Well to me she is.  
What is happening to me, never have I been like this before.  
Studying someone, looking over them.  
Until her.  
Could I possibly stay close to her.  
Have her stay close to me.  
For quite a while.  
A long while.  
Could I possibly make her, or ask her to be mine.  
To have the chance to do this.  
"I know you're thinking" came the soft voice in front of Joan.  
Joan looked to the woman still in her arms, the blue eyes still closed.  
"No you don't..." laughing softly.  
"Yes I do..." keeping her eyes closed, adding.  
"Tell me you weren't thinking then".  
Shaking her head to herself Joan's smile remained, impressed and shocked at how this woman knew this by not even opening her eyes, no one had ever done this, been able to do this, got close enough to even attempt to do this.  
No words, silence between them.  
Smiling also Vera opened her eyes, looking at Joan.  
"Well?" smirking softly.  
"Well what?" was the playful, pretending to not know what Vera was talking about answer.  
"You know well what" putting her arms around the waist of the governor.  
Looking to the ceiling and pretending to think she glanced back down to her deputy, unable to stop the wide smile that spread over her face as she looked at Vera.  
Whenever she looked down at that face she couldn't help but smile it was becoming fast apparent.  
"See! I told you!" her own face breaking into a grin as she giggled, squeezing her small arms around Joan's waist to emphasize her point.  
Oh my god that giggle, it's so cute and happy!  
Chuckling at Vera's reaction Joan lifted the smaller woman up so she was sitting on the island in the middle of the kitchen, coming to stand between the legs of the sitting woman, gazing at her.  
Moving hands from her boss's waist, Vera placed them on her broad and strong shoulders, liking the feel of the muscles under her palms, gazing back at the face near hers.  
Saying nothing she rested her cheek on Joan's shoulder, inhaling the smell of her skin, her arms dropping to her sides, nuzzling her neck.  
"Hold me?" she asked quietly, wanting to feel the strong embrace she was beginning to not be able to get enough of.  
"Of course" still smiling, delighted at the request of Vera wanting to be held by her, to have her close to her, engulfing the smaller woman in her hug she held her against her body, resting her cheek on the soft hair of her deputy, never wanting to let go.

 

Could this last?  
Was it possible to have this feeling last in someone like me.  
Someone as closed off as me  
Someone as damaged.  
Someone with as many scars, someone as dare I say it....frightened.  
Because that's what happens when you start to feel things.  
Experience things.  
Experience.....emotions....feelings.  
It gets scary.  
Emotions get scary.  
Emotions are scary.  
They're like foreign beings.  
And didn't my dad always say emotions lead to mistakes. And I'm not allowed to make mistakes.


	9. Chapter 9

"I've already told you nothing is happening with him or anyone!" Vera repeated, she didn't know how many times she'd said it but Joan just didn't seem to hear her.  
"I see how he looks at you, he always looks at you, comes near you, he wants you!" Joan threw back, she'd wound herself up now, not liking the way a certain Mr Fletcher came near her deputy, looked at her, she knew they'd some history which probably didn't help matters in the mind of Ferguson.  
Vera shook her head and took a deep breath.  
How many times have I told her.  
I've said it so many times in the space of this conversation.  
"Be that as it may I don't really care what he wants, I'm not interested!" now she was getting more wound up, frustrated at Joan not actually listening to her, let alone believing her, so here she was having a heated argument after hours in the governor's office.  
"You might be, he might tempt you, win you round or win you back somehow, get you back!".  
"Stop it Joan, just stop it!".  
Joan shook her head, her mind whirring with the thoughts of Vera being snatched back by Fletcher or anyone else for that matter.  
"No I won't!".  
"You will, you'll stop it right now, there's no need for all this!".  
Another shake of the head from the dark haired woman, eyes fixed on Vera, nostrils flared.

 

"There is, he'll tempt you, he shouldn't be that near to you, close to you like that, he should keep away from you, not look at you..." rambling the thoughts that were now in free flow through her head.  
Furiously brushing the tears of frustration rolling down her cheeks Vera slammed her fist on the desk as hard as she could, causing Joan to quiet, looking down at the noise, then at the other woman.  
"Stop it! Stop it!" she mumbled through her tears, her breathing uneven as she got more upset and angry, standing up from the chair, her eyes on Joan, as she continued.  
"I can't stand it anymore, just stop. I've told you Joan that there is nothing between me and him and do you want to know why that is, it's because I want you, not him, not anyone else in this prison or out of this prison, not anyone else on this bloody planet!! Are you bloody listening to me! Who do I want to spend my time with, you! Who does things to my stomach when I'm around them that no one has ever done, you! Who makes me feel safe, the safest I've ever felt in my life, you! Who do I want, you!! If you've not gotten that into that head of yours by now after what we've experienced so far together in the short time we've been going out for dinner and our other times together, or how I've been around you and what I've said to you then god damn it Joan I'm out of ideas! So sod you if you want to think of how I somehow in your mind want Mr Fletcher! No not sod you, fuck you Joan!!" grabbing her bag from the floor and opening the door, dashing out and down the corridor, slamming it hard behind her, a whimper escaping her that Joan heard before she was out of sight.  
Dumbstruck Joan stood in her office, stunned.  
No one had ever spoken to her that way and with such passion.  
Passion for her.  
Especially not for her.  
But she had.  
Vera had.  
She'd just stood in front of the woman herself and cried, shouted, tears of hurt and passion for Joan Ferguson.

 

Joan swallowed hard as the realisation started to hit her.  
She'd not listened to the one person, the one woman who seemed willing to understand her, who did understand her, who listened to her, treated her well, cared for her.  
She'd shouted over her, at her, not listened at all to her, not given a chance for the information she'd been told to actually to register in her brain.  
Now here she was in the office on her own, Vera had left.  
The one thing she'd dreaded, been afraid of.  
She'd caused that.  
No one else had ever said they wanted her, but she had.  
She said she wanted no one else bar her.  
And yet here she was alone.  
Again, because she'd caused it.  
She'd not listened.  
Then that feeling started.  
The feeling that had happened that night all them weeks ago when Vera had left the office, leaving her alone after doing some late night work, it was in the pit of her stomach but then started rising, a type of ache, but not like a tummy ache type ache that painkillers or the like could sort but a different kind, an empty kind of ache.  
An ache that only her deputy seemed to be the one to stop.  
Stop with her presence around the governor.  
That presence that the older woman wanted now.  
Needed now.  
Craved now.

 

Slumping in her chair she put her head in her hands on the desk, replaying the events of the last few minutes over in her head, slamming her own fist against the desk, her jaw clenched tight.  
"Stupid, stupid, stupid!" with each bang that echoed around the office.  
"What are you doing you stupid woman, she wants you, are you listening to what she said, she wants you!" shouting at herself out loud to vent her frustration at not listening.  
She wants you and you want her.  
Now what to do to put this right.  
Go after her?  
Go to her house?  
To her door?  
Could she possibly put this right?  
Yes.  
She had to put this right. Needed to put it right!  
Grabbing her phone, coat and car keys, she hurriedly made her way down to the front desk, signed out, got into her car and headed to Vera's.  
The journey seemed much longer than she'd thought, maybe because now the nerves, yes nerves were kicking in, nerves at thinking she'd lost the woman she wanted, that she'd be shunned away from the doorstep of the house she wanted to go in.

 

Pulling up outside she turned off the engine, looking at her appearance in the rear view mirror.  
Come on Joan, you've caused this and now you need to sort it out.  
One more look in the mirror and she was out of the car and walking up to the front door, pausing before knocking.  
With no answer the first time she tried again.  
Please be in, please be in.  
Please answer.  
Moving closer to the door she strained to listen to any movement inside the house, raising her fist to knock again it was cut short as she heard the latch click and the door open, Vera on the other side, the sight being enough to make the taller woman's heart start thumping in her chest, this being made worse as she saw the redness around her eyes, obvious evidence that she'd been crying and crying a lot.  
Vera looked up to the woman on her doorstop.  
"What?".  
Now's your chance to sort this out.  
Look at her, she's obviously been crying a lot for her eyes to be that red, tears caused by you.  
You Joan, no one else.  
And there's only you who can put it right, make up or at least try to make up for those tears.


	10. Chapter 10

"I erm...I'm..." mouth and throat dry, this happened a lot in front of Vera too.  
"Well?" the younger woman's tone sharp.  
Lost for words.  
Unable to form a proper sentence.  
Guilt.  
That's what this was.  
Guilt at being the reason for this petite woman's tears.  
"I...I just wanted...I wanted to say..." her eyes dropping to her shoes as she shuffled on the spot, her fists balled at her sides, tensing then loosening them each in turn.  
"About before, what happened....I'm....sorry" her voice barely a whisper, forcing the words from her mouth.  
Needing to say them.  
Standing on the doorstep Vera watched her, her eyes taking in the sight before her, from her feet to the top of her head.  
She makes me frustrated, so frustrated, tonight especially.  
But at the same time all the other feelings seem to outweigh her negatives ones.  
I just wish she'd listen and believe me when I say I want her, because it's true I do want her, no one else just her.  
Bloody hell fire Joan Ferguson.  
"Are you?" she couldn't help it, she didn't mean to say it but the earlier exchange had hurt her, maybe she was giving some back to its owner.

 

The dark haired woman nodded.  
"I shouldn't have said it....I was wrong, I just....I get...I get...concerned, no I mean...I just....I'm..s...sorry" her eyes moving up from her feet as she spoke, making sure she was looking at the woman she was talking to.  
I know she's sorry, I can tell.  
And I know she gets scared, I do too I guess I just have better ways of expressing it than she does.  
How can I not forgive her, the fact she's here at my door saying sorry for a start is a big something from her, a sign that she genuinely is sorry.  
With no response from Vera, Joan took one last look before making to turn away from the door, defeated, this being stopped by a hand grabbing her wrist causing her to look back at the smaller woman.  
Turning fully back round she searched Vera's face, small hands moving to either side of the governor's collar of her coat, pulling her close to her and half into the house, Joan leaning down to make their faces be on level.  
Vera looked into her eyes, those big, dark brown eyes, such eyes she has, hands still holding her coat.  
"I think I can forgive you" her straight face being replaced by a soft smile.  
Joan's face conveying her relief, smiled too, immediately pulling Vera into her body, holding her close against her, closing her eyes.  
Releasing the breath she'd been holding.  
Her chest feeling that bit lighter.  
I'm lucky she forgives me, very lucky, not many women would.  
But somehow she does.  
She actually forgives my faults, doesn't hold them against me.  
"Thank you" came the whisper against Vera's hair, Vera wrapping her arms around Joan's body.  
"Will you stay with me tonight?" she asked against Joan's chest, just enjoying being held by her.

 

Holding her in her arms and hearing what she asked, Joan's heart stilled that bit more from the thumping it'd be doing since she pulled up outside.  
Vera wanted her near her still, despite their argument.  
She wanted to be near Vera.  
She always wanted to these days it seemed.  
Joan nodded into her hair.  
"Yes of course".  
She squeezed the waist of the older woman and moved them into the hallway, Joan closing and then locking Vera's door.  
Taking Joan's hand she led her up the stairs and into her bedroom, closing the door behind them and coming to stand in front of the older woman, reaching up on tip toes to slip the unbuttoned trench coat off her shoulders, letting it drop to the floor, her eyes with Joan's.  
"I would like to lay with you and feel your skin against mine.." she began softly, noting the look of fear flash across Joan's features, wanting to calm her she carried on speaking.  
"Not like that.....yet, but maybe in our underwear together, I just want you to hold me like that and me hold you, I want to be close against you Joan".  
I want to feel her skin against mine, her arms holding me close to her and vice versa.  
Feel her body close to mine and mine close to hers.  
I need that contact with her.  
Studying Vera's face she saw nothing but truth and sincerity, her blue eyes conveying her pure wanting to be close to her and no underlying signs of pushing for anything else.  
Joan nodded in response, despite the nerves running around her body.  
She'd never done this before, never been asked this.  
No one had ever wanted to be close to her, this close.  
But this woman did, she wanted to be close to her.  
Had asked to be close to her.  
Genuinely asked, no games, no underhand reasons.  
Just because she wanted to.

 

"I can do that, thank you" mumbled Joan softly on feeling Vera's hands on the knot of her tie after she'd removed and folded her suit jacket, putting on the dresser nearby, the touch on or near the front of her neck unnerving.  
"Ok.." sensing the stiffening of the woman in front of her at the contact, Vera gave her hand a reassuring squeeze, retiring to bed, the governor undressing in the darkness.  
With each of them under the duvet Vera glanced to the silhouette of the dark haired woman, beckoning her to her.  
"Come here" her arms open.  
She wants to hold me.  
Vera hold me.  
Hold me close.  
Shuffling across the mattress, Joan laid her head against Vera's shoulder, feeling arms wrap around her body, the first touch of the small hands against her skin on her waist and back causing a gasp which turned into a murmur, her body relaxing against Vera, one of her arms draping across the toned stomach of the other woman, holding her at her hip, smiling to herself as she heard a murmur of approval from the woman whose arms she was led in.  
I didn't think it would feel like this.  
As relaxed as this.  
I'm here led in just my underwear being held by another woman.  
And I feel relaxed.  
Not anxious or frightened or like I want to flee.  
Relaxed.  
"Are you ok?" asked Joan into the darkness of the bedroom, the only light being a chink through a gap in the curtains.  
"Very much so, are you?" smiled Vera, cuddling as close as she could to the woman in her arms.  
Joan nodded, her head lifting from its position to look at Vera, touching her lips to the other woman's in a soft kiss, parting and settling back in their previous positions, gently rubbing the back of the older woman.  
"Thank you" whispered Joan.  
"For what?  
"For today" was the simple response.  
This caused a smile in Vera, her fingertips catching the edge of Joan's knickers on her hips, a sigh leaving the older woman's lips.

 

Shit.  
Did I just sigh out loud.  
That wasn't mean to happen.  
I'm not meant to do that kind of thing.  
Express them kind of things.  
Especially not in bed.  
Should keep them to myself.  
In my head.  
Saying nothing Vera gently inched her fingers under the waistband and stroked the other woman's hip, smiling as Joan sighed again, her hips settling against Vera's side.  
That touch on my hip is so nice.  
I feel myself feeling like I did the other morning when I was touching her.  
That fuzzy feeling.  
Body getting warm.  
What's the word.  
Pleasure.  
"Is that nice?" wanting to be sure that Joan was comfortable and enjoying her touch against her, this being the first time she'd ever touched Joan.  
"Mmm hmm" Joan nodded.  
Vera's fingers continued, the older woman feeling herself getting a little turned on, this feeling travelling down between her thighs.  
This isn't how I'm supposed to behave.  
I'm not meant to have these feelings.  
Have someone touch me like this.  
This close to between my legs.  
That close.  
Close.  
"N..No..".  
Her breath catching in her throat realising what they were doing and what might happen.  
"Joan, are you ok?" hearing the response.  
No response at first.  
"It's this...being..being close there..I can't...I mean" her body starting to inch backwards away from Vera.  
"Joan...".  
"I can't....not this...it's not.." her words ceasing, being replaced by her shaking her head to herself.  
Panic.  
I can't.  
Not now.  
It's not right, I shouldn't.  
I'm not allowed.  
Not that kind of thing.  
Control.  
No control.  
Control.  
Disappointment.

 

"Shhhh" a hand taking hold of Joan's wrist stopping her getting fully out of the bed, coaxing the older woman from her thoughts and back into the present moment.  
"We...you don't have to do anything, doing nothing is ok. I'll not touch you there, I promise".  
Breathing having increased more than normal, Joan's eyes eventually found Vera's.  
"Ok.." moving back onto the bed, another pause, letting her breathing slow down more, then finding the space again against Vera.  
"There..." small arms cradling the body of Joan on the feeling the weight against her again, rubbing her hand in a soothing motion against her back.  
A larger hand returning to the hip of Vera, the arm draped back across her toned stomach.  
Closing her eyes Joan gave a quiet sigh into the space between Vera's shoulder and neck, this being greeted with a kiss to the top of her head.  
Well this day had certainly been a different one.  
A different one in so many ways.  
Bad different and then good different.  
Bad due to arguing with the governor, a heated argument.  
Good for ending the day with an apology, or at least a Joan style apology, followed by this closeness.  
Gentle closeness.  
Apart from the slight wobble of a what was that, a panicking older woman.  
A nearly dashing from the bed and then bedroom older woman.  
But she'd managed to prevent that.  
Maybe it was a little sign.  
A sign that she might just might slowly be heading down the right path.  
That path of only just starting to begin to discover the various twist turns and levels that made up one intricate person.  
One intricate and mysterious governor.


	11. Chapter 11

Easily downing the frosted shot glass filled with vodka, Joan filled it back up and this went down the same way as the first, shaking her head as she opened her eyes.  
It'd been the day from hell, anything and everything that could've gone wrong did and all the prisoners that could've caused trouble or had problems seemed to have picked this day to do it.  
This meant there would be a mountain size amount of paperwork to attend to, oh the joys of days like this.  
Hence the need of necking vodka shots as soon as you walk through the front door.  
Leaning forward onto her thighs as she sat on the couch in the darkened living room, she gave a big sigh, her eyes moving down to her phone beside her, picking it up and scrolling to the messages between her and Vera, fingers hovering over the keyboard on the screen, her attention immediately diverted as she heard that voice.  
That distinctive voice.  
The voice she'd know anywhere.  
Her father.

 

"Don't you even think about doing that" was the stern order knowing what she was going to do.  
Joan frowned up at him stood in the corner of the room.  
"What, I wasn't doing anything".  
"You were, you were going to text her, that woman that's causing chaos in your once ordered life".  
Putting the phone in her trouser pocket she looked at him.  
"I wasn't, see...".  
He walked nearer to her, dressed in his customary dark suit.  
"She's trouble Joan, she's trouble for you. Days like today when you've not done a good job because you've not been the best you can, not been focused enough, not been good enough, and then come home and have a face on you like that, it's not acceptable!".  
"But it was just a bad day, things have happened all day, one thing after another..."  
He shook his head.  
"It's not good enough, you've not been good enough, ever since you were younger I've told you emotions lead to mistakes and look at you now letting them creep in, dare I say it opening yourself up with her, not being like you were as a child, how you were taught by me to be and look what's happening to you!" his voice raising pitch like an army major talking to his squad after a bad performance.  
Filling up the glass a third time she downed the clear liquid, feeling the burn on the back of her throat but still the voice boomed at her, berating her for her failures over the years from being a child up until the present day, not following all the things he'd taught her properly.   
"I have tried my best today, done things by the book, as I was taught.." the vodka obviously not doing the job at the present moment to dull the tones of the all too familiar hectoring she was getting.  
I have tried my best, done all I could have possibly done today, yet here I am trying to defend my actions and prove that I tried to do all I can, again.  
Why can't I just be good enough.  
Why can't he ever say I did a good job, that he's proud of what I did, what I've achieved, the steps I've taken.

 

"But I don't think you have, you've been distracted, not focused, because of other unimportant things creeping into your mind, and it's not acceptable Joan, your performance is unacceptable. This emotion I see creeping in, poisoning your record at work, that woman, it's not allowed, it's not good enough for me, you're disappointing me Joan, you'll never be good enough like this. Why do you always disappoint me Joan?!".  
With her head in her hands she grabbed handfuls of her loose dark hair, pulling it tight, maybe the pain would distract her mind, make the noise stop.  
Nope it didn't.  
Still he continued, the tone strong, beating against her eardrums.  
An unrelenting barrage of emotional put downs, insults, the ones she'd become accustomed too, expected all the years she'd been alive, from such a young age that she didn't know what praise or proud compliment looked or sounded like.  
Nothing was ever good enough, everything she did she could've done better, almost always just shy of the top mark, that top mark that meant he was proud, that she was good enough, that he'd love her, that he'd accept her, that he'd accept she'd tried her best, given her all.  
That he'd love her.  
Up from the sofa in one swift movement, the room spinning, her knees caught the edge of the table, the vodka bottle rocking before dropping off the edge, hitting the floor and shattering, the liquid cascading over the shiny floor.  
"Stop...stop...please!" her hands over her ears almost childlike as she paced the floor in the dining room. "I tried my best, I always try my best..." pulling her suit coat off her body and letting it drop to the floor after which she loosened her tie and then undid the top button of her shirt, finally un tucking it from her trousers, her body suddenly feeling like it was overheating, needing to peel back the layers to help her breathe.  
Back to her ears her hands went, tapping them in some small hope of calming her mind and slowing the speed train of abuse she was being subjected to.  
"No no no" her voice coming out as a pained cry, watching her father start to move from his position in the living room to where she was pacing in the space at the bottom of the stairs.

 

I can't take anymore.  
I need to get away.  
Make him stop.  
Make it stop.  
Stop my head.  
Anything to make it stop.  
Shaking her head she bolted for the stairs, steps two at a time until she reached the top, straight into her bedroom and shutting the door, practically running into the en suite, shutting this door too, looking back she made doubly sure it was shut, her hands fumbling with the dials on the shower, setting it to cold, as cold as it could go, her hands and fingers struggling to work together to get it to turn on.  
"Come on, please!" she whimpered, desperately gripping the power dial, managing to grip it and turn it on, the water suddenly spraying out into the large shower cubicle.  
With the water on Joan leaned back against the wall underneath it, her ears listening intently, her senses heightened, waiting for the click of the door, one of the doors, any of them.  
Surely the bedroom door.  
Or worse the bathroom door.  
Still she waited, her chest heaving as she struggled and failed to keep calm, her body on edge as she waited, dreaded, feared.  
Nothing.  
No noise.  
No doors.  
No sounds apart from running water.  
Quiet.  
Silence.

 

Swallowing down the lump in her throat, she felt her clothes start to get heavy, the water soaking into them like sponges, her long hair smoothing down her back and shoulders as this too took on the freezing water from the shower.  
Leaning her head back against the cold wall her body gave up, her eyes closed, the water cascading down her.  
Drawing in a couple of sudden hitching breaths she slid down the wall of the shower, her head in her hands, body shaking with heavy sobs, frightened sobs, closing her eyes and letting the pent up fear and emotion take over, she was too tired to fight it, mentally and physically.  
I just want to be good enough.  
For someone to be proud of me.  
To tell me they're proud.  
Show me they're proud.  
What does that even mean, someone being proud of me.  
What do feelings even mean.  
Who am I?  
What am I?  
Who am I good for...nobody.  
Not good for anything or anyone.  
Never had been.  
No one has ever wanted me.  
All my life it's been the same.  
A pained wail left her mouth as the anguish found its way out of her head and body, echoing into the cold shower she was currently sat under, knees up to her chin, head further in her hands, sobbing. The sounds bouncing off the walls and lingering in the space where the distraught governor sat looking dwarfed by her surroundings and how she was huddled in the dark cubicle of her en suite.


	12. Chapter 12

Control.  
That's what was needed.  
What was important in keeping hold of.  
The control.  
It always had been.  
Without it what else was there.  
The night had started pleasant enough, both of them meeting at a bar for a few drinks, conversation flowing, until the change, the turn, all it took was one shift in the atmosphere, in the personnel.  
Then it started.  
The fizzing in the stomach, the flared nostrils.  
A man talking to Vera as she'd gone to the bar for more drinks.  
The way he stood too near her, made her smile, made her laugh, dared to look like that at her, making Vera look back at him, smiling at him, her eyes happy, nodding as he spoke.  
Joan clenched her fists in her lap, dark eyes flitting between the two of them, the exchanges continuing, waiting for their turn to be served.  
Her blood starting to boil, her temperature rising the more she watched.  
The more she endured.  
The pain.  
The torment.  
Those feelings connected to being a small child, growing up.

 

When she was left on her own be it at home or when her father took her out, he'd leave her on her own, walk off, just leave her without a word.  
Abandoned.  
Left on her own, people walking away.  
Look at her Joan, the way she's acting with him was her father's voice creeping into her mind, her already full mind.  
Full of racing thoughts and possibilities.  
Thoughts of Vera and him.  
Staying there in front of her all night, Vera going home with him, not with Joan, away from Joan except at work, unless he came to meet Vera from work, drop her off.  
Taking her away from her, having her as his, Joan never having Vera as hers again.  
Then she'd be alone.  
Alone.  
Her breathing increasing as she wound herself up, this being increased by the voice of her father taunting her. Pushing herself out of her chair from under the table, straightening up and smoothing her jumper down, walking over to the targets at the bar.  
"What's going on?" came the blunt question, causing Vera to glance up as she heard Joan, smiling as she turned to face her.  
"Hey you, going on, nothing, just waiting to be served, seems to be taking ages tonight".  
Joan looked between her companion and the man next to her, pushing so she was stood in the middle, parting them both, glaring at the man.  
"Joan?" Vera frowned.  
"Don't" her head snapping back to the call of her name. "Don't you say anything, I've seen enough" attention back to the young man at her side.  
"I suggest you move around the other side of the bar and do it now".  
"You what?" he chuckled, the laugh enough to inflame the already tense governor.  
"I said move around the other side of the bar" leaning her face down into his.  
What is going on with her tonight, where's this come from, one minute I'm ordering drinks, the next she's here and getting in this man's face.

 

"Joan don't.." started Vera, her hand taking hold of one of the older woman's wrists and pulling it gently in her direction.  
Head snapping round at the touch, her eyes glanced down to the contact and then raised to Vera.  
"Release my wrist" her eyes fixing on her deputy.  
"Not until you stop this, it's not necessary Joan, there's no need for this...".  
"Release my wrist Vera..." her tone cool and cold, dark eyes piercing.  
Vera shook her head, her hand remaining.  
"Vera, you don't want to do that..." her attention suddenly turning back to the man, his voice making her.  
"Why don't you just piss off and leave her and me alone you freak!".  
Freak.  
That word.  
The one single word.  
It hit deep inside like a dagger.  
A place that it seemed only that word could do.  
A place deep inside, like I'd been shot.  
The pain.  
Breathing heavy, quickening, weight on my chest.  
Heart pounding.  
Escape. I have to get out.  
Widening eyes at the man, she roughly pulled her wrist from the grasp of Vera, getting her bag from the chair at the table and marching out of the building not looking back.  
Eyes darting around as the fresh night air hit, lungs grasping for the coolness of it.

 

"Joan wait!" the voice from behind her, heels tapping the floor, running to keep up with her.  
Joan didn't turn around she kept her eyes facing forward, anywhere but to look at the figure who'd joined her outside.  
"Joan...stop..." the tapping of the heels ceasing, being replaced by light panting from having ran in heels out of the bar to catch up with the woman in question, who she now stood in front of looking up at.  
Eyes forward Joan, don't look at her.  
What have I told you about her Joan, she's trouble for you.  
You don't get close to people do you.  
The older woman shook her head, trying to shake the voice from her skull.  
"Joan look at me...please" hands on hers, holding hers gently to which she pulled away, still Vera tried again. "Ok don't hold my hands but at least look at me!".  
The more insistent tone forcing the governor to look down into the blue eyes looking up at hers.  
"What was that just then eh? You didn't have to be like that".  
Joan flared her nostrils lightly which Vera saw, she couldn't not see it when it happened.  
"I did and you know full well why".  
The younger woman flashed her a frown.  
"I don't, I don't know why".  
"I saw you with him at the bar, cosy and laughing, him looking at you like a piece of meat" scoffing and shaking her head.  
"What, are you actually serious, him!? He was a guy stood at the bar which happened to be next to me whilst we waited to order our drinks...".  
"He wasn't just standing there and neither were you, men don't just do that to women, they leer at them, lull them into a false sense of security and then pounce, they take advantage, are only after one thing.." into her stride now at rhyming off the supposed danger of men and why they shouldn't be trusted.

 

Vera stood and listened, shaking her head, her hand rubbing her forehead trying to make sense of what Joan was rambling to her.  
Then the pacing started, pacing as she spoke, hands waving in the air and more shakes of the head from the dark hair governor.  
"Joan.." Vera murmured softly, trying to connect to the woman in front of her.  
"No, I can't, I won't lose control...I won't...not with you.." suddenly addressing Vera, pausing her pacing to look down at her. "I'll not allow it, I'll sort it first, sort the situation, stop it now..".  
"Stop what Joan, I don't understand.." she trailed off, a thought flashing across her mind making her swallow a small fear lump that had appeared in her throat.  
Did Joan mean finish them?  
Whatever them was.  
Stop them spending time together, bonding, the only time allowed being their work relationship.  
But I don't want this, don't want to stop bonding with her.  
I want her, I've told her this.  
But then this outburst, an outburst that seem to have set something off in the depths of her soul, bring it to the surface.  
Something from the past.  
Her past.

 

"This.." moving a hand between them both. "This..." she repeated, a breath hitching in her throat, her breathing increasing again before she moved away from the smaller woman, another glance to the blue eyes that caused it seemed to result in her legs carrying her away into the night, leaving a stunned deputy in her wake.  
Then came the questions, so may questions flowing through Vera's mind.  
What on earth just happened here.  
What happened to her.  
What happened before Wentworth.  
Way before Wentworth.  
Way before anything else.  
What has been done to you Joan?


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You guys are a wonderful bunch, thank you!! <3

Awkward.  
Awkward and hard work.  
These were a couple of the words to describe the last week at Wentworth.  
They'd hardly spoken apart from to discuss work matters, no glances at each other during briefings in the governor's office or anywhere else for that matter.  
No brushing touches against hands, no soft and knowing smiles.  
Cool.  
Cool and flat.  
That's what Vera sensed from her boss.  
The dark eyes had lost the sparkle they'd housed for the past few weeks, being replaced by tired and dare Vera say it sad ones, Joan didn't look herself, she looked like she'd not slept in a few nights, a bit like Vera hadn't.  
No texts were exchanged, no communication, no plans for dinners or nights out.  
Nothing.  
All this had probably been the cause of Vera now being sat on her sofa on a Friday night, glass of wine in hand, laptop on her lap, fingers of her spare hand hovering over the keyboard, the little black line flashing in the search box of the open internet page, willing her to type her chosen subject in.  
Putting her glass down on the floor, this now free hand then joining the other and tapping on the keyboard.  
If you'd have told me I'd be searching for and trying to work out my boss's behaviour and what could be the matter with her because I've fallen for her and want to help and be with her, I'd have called a psychiatrist for you myself.

 

"What has become of my life" she muttered out loud, her eyes scanning the screen, deleting her previous search and typing again, taking the loading time to take another sip from her glass and replacing it, the cold liquid a nice feeling at the end of a tough week, one of the toughest she'd had if she was honest.  
Tough because the woman she wanted seemed so far away in her own thoughts and world.  
A world that Vera wasn't in, couldn't reach.  
Didn't know how.  
The question that constantly ran through her mind was why.  
Why was Joan like this?  
What had caused the behaviour she'd experienced on Saturday night.  
Pulled Joan away.  
Pulled Joan away from her and kept her at that distance.  
Behaviour that had resulted in them now barely talking, Joan not looking at her.  
Joan going back to being just her boss, straight and blunt answers, her heart being pulled back into its prison, the walls going back up around it, protecting it.  
All week the dark haired governor had been vacant from her deputy, but then briefly sprung to life and barked at the smallest thing, slotting prisoners left, right and centre, showing no mercy, losing her cool with guards, unwilling to listen to their protests, shooing them away.  
The laptop screen lit up with the results from the search Vera had asked it, eyes darting to the list, frowning and then clicking on one of them from the top of the lists, eagerly reading the contents.  
Yes.  
Yes.  
Yes.  
As she read her eyes widened, similarities coming from all angles, the words matching how a certain governor had and was behaving, it was like reading a book on Joan, the inner behaviour of Joan Ferguson.  
For quite a time now she'd been wanting to learn more about the other woman, trying to fathom her out, wanting to know what went on in that head and mind of her, what she thought and felt. If she did feel it deep down, down into the depths of her soul, did she operate and feel that deep down. What did she feel for Vera if anything, what did she think about when they were together, apart, at work, in bed at night.  
Staring back at her she read the three words again.  
Borderline Personality Disorder.

 

Causes.  
Genetics.  
Childhood trauma.  
Verbal abuse.  
High reactivity.  
Peers.  
Wait what....childhood trauma, verbal abuse.  
Scrolling to these two headings she read on, her blue eyes taking in the sentences on the screen at an increasing pace, taking the information in, once she read the two paragraphs and then again, then a third time.  
The first dinner they'd shared at Joan's house she'd seen a picture of Joan and her dad, they were wearing fencing suits, his arm around a young Joan's shoulders, again she read the heading... childhood trauma.  
She'd seen no pictures of the governor's mum in her house, just her dad, maybe she'd left, maybe she'd died.  
That just left Joan with her dad and in the picture he was smiling but she wasn't.  
Just Joan and her dad from what age, a baby, toddler, preschool, then all the way through into adulthood.  
The two of them.  
No one else.  
Suddenly an awful feeling and thought washed over her as the two headings got stuck in her brain.  
Childhood trauma, verbal abuse.  
In the paragraphs it said about emotional, physical and sexual abuse, about being exposed to chronic fear or distress as a child, being neglected by one or both parents.  
Bloody hell.  
God almighty.  
The stories of Joan's so called unproven physical attacks on the prisoners, her rough handling of them.  
Is this due to the fact she thought this is how you behaved to get people to do what you want, to punish them, that this is what she'd been taught, this is what she'd had done to her.  
That she herself had been subjected to this kind of treatment.  
This kind of abuse.  
Emotional and physical abuse.  
Abuse from her dad from being a little child.  
Little Joan.  
Defenceless Joan.  
Joan who grew up taking this abuse.  
Not knowing anything else.

 

Not dissimilar to Vera, she'd endured more than enough of this kind of crap from her mother, the endless put downs, verbal and then physical abuse until she'd ended the misery herself, but still it affected her in certain ways, not half as much as it used to but now and again it did, a lull in self confidence, the odd wobbly day and or night where self doubt creeps in, most people get this so it wasn't such an big deal, but to have endured this and more from being a small child.  
If you're left on your own as a little girl and then on the return of the parent you think looks after you or is meant to look after you, they don't bother with you or pay you any attention, tell you to be quiet when you babble at them, or go out again, you don't know when or even if they'll be back for you, then what, you're alone, totally alone.  
Imagine if this is what Joan endured as a little girl.  
The thought alone enough to make Vera gasp, her hand going over her mouth to silence it, thinking about Joan all alone as a little girl, crying for her dad, frightened and not knowing why he'd left her, where he'd gone or if he'd be back for her.  
If this is the kind of thing that her boss had had to endured, teamed with other physical and emotional abuse, maybe being told horrible things about herself, then no wonder she didn't trust easily now and couldn't show any emotion easily either.  
The incident in the bar on Saturday, what had actually happened during that incident, Vera had been stood next to a man at the bar, Joan had been sat at the table.  
The pieces slowly started to fall into place, did Joan panic, get scared, had the appearance of the man been a trigger for her, a trigger for the outburst.

 

Joan had gotten scared.  
Scared of being forgotten as she sat at the table.  
Scared.  
Had she been scared.  
Scared so much so that she'd lashed out.  
Lashed out because that's how she'd learned to react.  
That's the only way she knew how to react.  
To release how she was feeling.  
The feelings she had, so many she didn't know what to do with them.  
Feelings she'd not been taught about dealing with.  
Feelings that hadn't been recognised or validated from being a child.  
The more Vera read the more she recognised, recognised as Joan, her Joan, frightened and alone from such a young age, then came the outbursts at work, the difficulty expressing herself, finding the words that connected internal feelings to actually saying the words out loud and telling another human how you were feeling.  
This sounded like Joan Ferguson.  
Made the governor's character make some kind of sense.  
Now the big question.  
How to try to help and get through to her.  
Because that's what Vera wanted more than anything.  
She wanted Joan Ferguson, and she had the inkling that maybe, just maybe underneath all them facets Joan wanted her too.


	14. Chapter 14

Like an itch that didn't go away.  
Underneath your skin, prickling away .  
Constantly there just waiting.  
Waiting and waiting.  
Waiting to erupt.  
That's what this feeling inside me feels like.  
I don't understand it.  
I don't understand how to get rid of it.  
How to deal with it.  
It's scary.  
Scary to feel out of control but at the same time not know how to grasp that control.  
Out of control at being out of control.  
A vicious cycle and all that goes with it.  
Whirling like a dervish in your head.  
Taking things with it.  
People with it.  
Women.  
Vera.  
Hence me being sat here at my dining table on my own.  
Again.  
Alone.

 

Knock knock.  
The front door.  
At this time of night.  
Knock knock again.  
Frowning Joan got to her feet, gliding across the floor and to the source of the noise.  
Sighing at the irritation of someone being here and disturbing the first chance of proper quiet she'd been allowed after finishing work.  
She opened the door, her eyes showing their surprise seeing a familiar face stood on her doorstep.  
Her deputy.  
Vera.  
She was here on her doorstep, unannounced.  
"Oh erm....Vera..yes?".  
"Evening Joan.." trying to gauge the atmosphere before she carried on talking.  
This I wasn't expecting on a Saturday night.  
Not expecting to see her, the last person I'd be expecting, not that anyone else was likely to arrive on my doorstep, there wasn't anyone else.  
What does she want?  
Why is she here?  
"Vera..." she replied simply, not quite sure what to say.  
Vera studied her face, those dark brown eyes, a slight haunted expression in them, obviously not knowing why her deputy was on her doorstep.  
"May I come in?" keeping her voice soft, not sure if she'd be allowed into the house.  
The tall woman said nothing for a few moments her mind deciding whether to let her, eventually nodding in confirmation and moving to the side, holding the door open for the younger woman.  
"Thank you" stepping just inside the doorway, not wanting to encroach Joan's space, swallowing down the nervous lump in her throat.  
Closing the door Joan turned to face and look down at the woman in her house, waiting for the silence to be broken, her eyes studying blue ones.

 

Blue eyes looking up into brown ones, deep dark brown ones.  
Such amazing eyes.  
Big eyes.  
Hypnotizing.  
"So.." Joan broke the silence, pulling the deputy from her trance like state upon looking into her boss's eyes.  
"Yes, erm well...I just wanted to see how you were?".  
Best start with that, test the water.  
"I'm fine.." blunt and to the point.  
"Are you sure?" gently probing but not too much.  
Joan nodded, her eyes having moved down to her now shuffling socked feet.  
After what happened she shouldn't be here asking me if I'm alright, not after what I did.  
After how I behaved that night.  
Behaved to her.  
I couldn't help it though.  
Watching this slight change in behaviour Vera took a step forward, hovering her hand over the upper arm of the woman in front of her before gently placing it against the material of Joan's long sleeved top.  
Joan jumped lightly at the unknown and unexpected touch, her eyes darting to Vera's.  
"It's alright, just me..." her voice soft and gentle.  
"I...I know it is, it's just well..." she knew what she wanted to say, but her brain stops her, just can't seem to connect with the actual words, her nostrils flaring at the start of her frustration.  
Frustration mixed with guilt, add in shame and a touch of upset and that was a rather good way to describe it.  
The guilt at her behaviour, her uncontrolled rage, jealous highlights that had flared.  
Vera let her try to get her words out, sensing and seeing the evidence of the internal struggle she was going through, the older woman's jaw tensing, her lip quirking, brow frowning.  
I don't know how to say it.  
How to vocalise it.  
Get the words out.  
Voice them.  
Actually say them.  
I just can't.  
It's so hard.

 

Visions of that Saturday at the bar flashing across her mind.  
The jealousy, the overwhelming fear, abandonment, being alone, anger.  
Shaking her head, her fists clenching, her breathing hitching at the back of her throat, Joan's eyes moved to Vera and then darted away.  
Embarrassed, frightened, frustrated, anxious.  
She could feel it.  
Feel it all through her.  
The shaking, the tight chest, feeling of warmth over her body.  
Too much.  
Like a wave that built then came crashing down.  
"No.." was the croaked word Vera managed to hear, followed by the rapid footsteps of her boss disappearing past her and up the stairs, running across the landing, followed by a door being shut and then nothing.  
Silence.  
Panic attack.  
That's what that seemed like to me.  
Joan was experiencing a panic attack.  
It'd had said that on the various sites she'd been reading.  
Said that most people up to ninety percent of suffers of this disorder have some sort of anxiety.  
Yes she didn't know of Joan ever being diagnosed but she was pretty sure her boss fit into the disorder from her reading.  
Stepping further into the house and looking up the steps to an empty landing Vera glanced around her surroundings, her eyes automatically finding the picture of Joan and her dad, walking over to it she looked closer, eyes on her father and then young Joan.  
"What happened to you hmm, what unspeakable things have been done to you, been thrust upon you, making you into who you are today. I know you're under there, under that shell you wear to protect yourself, to protect your heart, under that exterior I'm convinced there's a big heart, a woman that's kind, loving, sensitive, strong.." fingertips stroking down the cheek of the young girl in the picture.  
Sitting on one of the dining room chairs her eyes wandered over the kitchen, so neat, tidy, organised, so Joan, just like the rest of the house.  
Then the footsteps.  
Footsteps from behind her.  
Down the stairs steadily.  
Joan's footsteps.  
Craning her neck she glanced towards the sound, even though she knew what and who it was.  
"Oh...you're...you're still here" Joan a little surprised she'd not come down to an empty house considering what had just occurred.

 

She's not run.  
She's not gone.  
Not left me.  
Not abandoned me.  
She stayed.  
Stayed.  
"Yeah, is that ok?" questioning if it was ok, as she got up from the chair and moved nearer to the other woman but still being wary of not crowding Joan.  
After giving a slight shrug Joan nodded and then looked at Vera.  
Now come on Vera, let's see if we can make a little bit of ground with her.  
Remember calm and careful.  
Be confident but not too much.  
Remember what you've read.  
"It must be difficult going through what you've just experienced..." leaving it there, again testing the water, not wanting to scare the older woman or say too much.  
What was that.  
Validation.  
Recognition.  
"I don't know what you..." eyes down to the floor, brain thinking.  
She didn't belittle what you said, or try to say she knew, she said 'must' not 'know'.  
Them two words.  
Important words.  
Well to me they are, they change the way a statement can be taken, perceived.  
Repeating the sentence again in her head she raised her eyes to her deputy, searching those eyes, searching, looking, checking.  
No signs of judgement, deception, anger.  
Nothing.  
No danger signs.  
Safe?  
Deep breath in and a nod.  
"S..Sometimes" her voice quiet.  
Vera nodded in understanding.  
Now her turn to glance away.  
Come on Bennett deep breath.  
Deep breath.

 

"What happened at the bar the other weekend...." sensing Joan's eyes fixed on her Vera looked up and was met with that look, fear, fear and panic flashing across the governor's features, quickly continuing.  
"It's ok, I just wanted to say I don't blame you for what happened, it wasn't your fault, not in that way, I understand that it caused you some considerable distress and upset, and that that's ok, it's allowed, it doesn't make you a bad person and you don't have to feel guilty about it, Joan, at all.." her tone remaining soft and gentle, eyes not moving from the woman she was talking too.  
Joan's brow furrowed and then eased gradually as Vera spoke.  
Wait a minute what was going on here.  
She's not yelling or shouting at me.  
No raised voices.  
Not confronting me.  
She's talking to me like a normal person.  
Not accusing me of anything.  
Not making me feel anymore guilty of how I behaved.  
She's saying she doesn't blame me.  
That it wasn't my fault, that it's understandable.  
That I'm not a bad person for it.  
Her eyes match what she's saying too.  
Truth in her eyes.  
Truth to me.  
Dark eyes stayed on Vera's blue ones, considering her, looking at her, weighing up her next move.  
Tentatively she took a step towards the smaller woman, pausing before taking another, looking like a predator stalking her prey.  
Vera held her position.  
Didn't move.  
Two pairs of eyes locked together.  
Then she was there, in front of her, that close that Vera could smell her perfume, that scent.  
Joan's scent.  
Should I move first and if so what should I do?  
This decision was made for her as she felt arms around her body, those familiar strong arms pulling her close, her body resting against the body of the woman she'd wanted to be against since the last time they'd been close.  
Joan.  
Having snaked her arms silently around Vera she said nothing, didn't need to, the feel of Vera's arms around her own waist giving her enough confirmation.  
Confirmation that right here in this moment this was exactly what was needed.


	15. Chapter 15

Tick tock.  
Tick tock.  
Tick tock.  
Glancing to the sound of the bedside alarm clock caused a huff and sigh as Joan's eyes saw the time.   
2:00am.   
This is ridiculous.   
Three hours.  
Three whole hours I've been sleeping.   
What is going on with this no sleeping.  
Just go to sleep Ferguson.   
With another huff she turned over to face inside her bed.   
Tick tock.   
Tick tock.  
Only this time it was in her mind.  
The cogs turning, working, thinking.   
They were always thinking.  
Thinking of her past, present and future.   
Lonely.   
Just her.  
Until the momentary disturbance of a certain deputy.   
Vera.   
Vera Bennett.  
  
  
  
She'd had another presence in her life then.  
Stop, stop that thinking.   
She'd certainly stopped that.   
That fateful night in the bar.  
That horrendous night.   
She had had too, had to gain some kind of control.   
Control of the situation, of the fears, the feelings.   
Those things that Joan Ferguson didn't do.   
Suddenly an eruption of the nights previous they'd shared a bed, been close...close, the thing that wasn't meant to happen, wasn't allowed.   
A hitching breath at the memories.   
The touch of the younger woman against her, small hands gently caressing her, trailing over her skin.   
Just like she'd been close to Vera in this very bed, had asked for that, wanted that.   
Wait.   
Wanted it.  
Wanted that contact from another human being.  
Screwing her eyes up against the thoughts she folded the pillow so her ears were covered by either side of it, pressing it into them.   
  
  
  
Stop Joan, stop!  
He said you weren't allowed to do that.   
That you weren't capable of it.   
But I wanted to, I felt something inside that said I wanted to.  
She'd drawn that from somewhere in me.   
Brought about those...those...feelings.  
Taking a deep breath she released her head from beneath the pillow, turning over and flicking the lamp on that was on her bedside cabinet.   
Hauling her body up she arranged her pillows behind her, leaning back against the headboard, picking her phone up that was next to the lamp.   
Unlock.  
Messages.  
Opening the messages between her and a certain deputy.  
Her eyes saw the dates of the last ones they'd exchanged.  
It had been a while. She'd seen to that, caused it, asked for it.   
Now here she was looking at their messages.  
Fingers hovering over the keyboard.   
Thinking, thinking, thinking.   
This isn't right.  
Not what I should be doing.   
I'm not allowed to do these things, think these things.  
Fingers that were hovering, turned to typing, as if taken over by a force that the older woman couldn't stop.   
Like they knew what she wanted to do, wanted to express.   
Wanted to text a certain other woman.  
Wanted that that connection with her.  
Connection.  
With another person.  
Wanting it.  
  
  
No sooner had it been typed, than it had been sent.   
Sent to the woman in question.   
Vera Bennett.   
A panicked breath in.   
Eyes looking over the now sent message.  
_**Would you be available tonight to go over some paperwork? I will cook dinner. Please let me know. Joan.**_   
Biting her bottom lip with nerves, she placed the phone in the space next to her on the bed, jumping in surprise at hearing it signal a message not a few minutes later.  
A message at this time in the morning.   
Saying that I'm the one awake and sending text messages to my deputy at two o clock in the morning, like that's normal.  
What's normal.  
I don't know what that is, don't think I ever have.  
Her hand picked it back up again.   
Unlocked it again.   
Then the name.   
Vera.  
Vera had sent the message.   
Heart beating slightly faster at the name staring up at her from the screen.  
Open it Joan.   
Open it.   
Just read it.  
Read the message.  
 __ **Yeah tonight is fine, dinner would be gratefully accepted too, thank you. Hope you're ok with being awake at this hour, you should sleep. V.**   
She's accepted my offer for tonight.   
She's hoping I'm ok.   
Concerned for me.   
Someone concerned for me.   
Her concern.   
  
  
  
Sleep ha what's that, well apart from a few hours here and there if I'm lucky.   
I slept when she was with me, when she held me.  
Joan closed her eyes at the thoughts, thoughts of being held by them arms, Vera's arms, how settled she'd been, calm and comforted.   
Gritting her teeth softly, her jaw tight, fighting back the feelings, the warm feelings, feelings that meant she had caved, caved into things not for her.   
Things that weren't for her anymore, never had been because of her own mind, her jealously, fears, deep seated issues.  
She tapped herself on the cheek with her hand to scold herself.   
"Stop it you stupid woman, you know you're not worthy of such things, you know this, you know you don't allow things of this nature.." her bottom lip trembling on placing her phone back next to her bed, turning the lamp off and shuffling to lay back down in the dark.  
Close your eyes and go to sleep Ferguson.   
Go to sleep.  
She's agreed to come over just as you asked her.  
Now leave it at that.  
Leave it where you're allowed.   
Where you put this situation.   
You, no one else.   
You.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> <3 for all of you for being a wonderful bunch, thank you!

"Is there anything you'd like to add to what we've discussed?" she asked the woman sat across from her at the now familiar dining table in the governors kitchen.  
Vera shook her head in answer.  
"No I don't think so, think we've pretty much covered it all".  
They'd also manage to cover most of Joan's dining table, covered neatly obviously, with piles of files containing various parts of the inner workings of Wentworth Correctional Services.  
"Good, now for dinner" closing the file in front of her then getting to her feet, stretching her tall frame out to its full length, needing it after being sat down for a substantial amount of time that evening.  
The various pans had been bubbling and cooking away whilst they worked.  
Vera cleared the table, setting the place mats, coasters and various other items where Joan asked her too, the two of them sitting in opposite chairs to eat.  
Not a word was spoken as they ate, the brown eyes of the governor peeking up and across to her deputy, quickly looking back down to her plate thinking the younger woman hadn't seen, but she had, causing Vera to smile to herself.  
"Can I help you?" was the question from Vera as she put the coasters and place mats into one of the kitchen cupboards, Joan having starting filling the dishwasher.  
"No thank you, it won't take me long" clicking the machine into life.  
Leaning against the worktop Vera watched her wiping the kitchen counter and then moving to the cooker, making sure she got all of the surface.  
"I've missed this y'know" Vera splitting the silence between them.  
"Hmm?" eyes on what she was doing.  
"This, us having dinner together" watching as Joan stopped, half glancing sideways at her, turning back to her cleaning before replying.  
"It's been pleasant".  
Pleasant.  
Pleasant.  
Yes that word is ok to use.  
Not conveying too much Joan.  
Vera shook her head at the response, inching closer to Joan, but still leaving space.

 

"Just pleasant?".  
Joan stopped again at the question, not looking at her deputy this time.  
"What would you rather me say?" still her eyes stayed on her hands on the counter top.  
"I don't know. Nice maybe, enjoyable, good?" Vera's eyes on Joan.  
She didn't want to push her but seen as Joan had invited her in some capacity over to her house, ok they'd done some work, but also had dinner too, plus the fact of the time of the text, didn't that mean something? Also the fact that Joan Ferguson didn't normally text those sort of things to her deputy at such an hour, it might have been deemed an inappropriate hour had the same been done to the governor herself.  
How does she do that, how does she know that I've enjoyed it.  
Is she a mind reader?  
Reading my mind.  
My thoughts.  
My...my...feelings.  
Those things I'm not even sure of myself.  
Joan shrugged.  
"Hmm?" the younger woman asked.  
"What?".  
"Have you enjoyed it tonight Joan?" holding her position leant against the work surface.  
Brown eyes moving to her guest and then back to the cloth in her hand, fist gripping it, then releasing it.  
Control.  
Feelings.  
No not them I'm not allowed to have them.  
I can't.  
It's not right.  
Not for me, because I don't deserve them.  
Not worthy of them.  
What's this, a hand on me, touching me.  
I can feel it.  
A hand over my hand.  
It was a hand, Vera's hand.  
A glance down to the hand against hers and then to the face of the woman beside her.  
Do I tell her to move it, to move it off mine?  
To take away her touch.  
Do I?  
Am I worthy of this touch?  
"It's ok Joan" Vera whispered.  
Joan shook her head, jaw starting to tighten, brow furrowing then relaxing, her hand still clutching the cloth.  
"Don't touch me Vera, let go of my hand...now" forcing herself to try and stand up, straighten from where she'd been bent over.  
Vera didn't move her hand even as the older woman stood up, kept it gently gripping the governor's, matching the stare of Joan when she looked down at her.  
"Vera".  
"Joan".  
Joan flared her nostrils at the reply, her free hand balling tightly on the cloth, her eyes narrowing.  
She needs to let go of my hand.  
She shouldn't be doing this.  
Shouldn't be this close.  
So why am I not pushing her away.  
I'm not comfortable, but then I'm not erupting.  
Not erupting at her.

 

Pulling her hand roughly away from Vera she pushed her towards the counter top, the smaller woman's back coming to be firmly pressed against it, eyes widening as Joan came to stand in front of her, Joan's chest heaving, nostrils fully flared, eyes glaring down at Vera.  
The quick reaction and strength caused Vera's heart start to thump that bit faster in her chest, eyes searching the face of the woman glaring down at her, becoming aware of the balled fist rising by Joan's side, almost in slow motion, her eyes moving between this and the piercing dark eyes of the older woman.  
"Just calm down Joan, it's alright, everything is ok".  
Joan shook her head, the muscles just inside the top of her jaw line rippling with the tension, hand still rising.  
"It's not...".  
Think Vera, think you've got to diffuse this situation, get her to calm down, get her to relax.  
You've managed it before.  
You've calmed her down.  
She's listened to you.  
"It is ok, it is, you're ok, you're safe.." taking a breath in at the fist going higher in the air, it being visible out of the corner of her eye, one of her hands moving from by her side and reaching slowly up, her hand opening, palm cupping Joan's face, her thumb brushing gently against the cheek of the older woman.  
Darting brown eyes looked at the floor and then to the petite woman in front of her, doing this a few times before settling on Vera's face, her hand clutching the cloth lowering slightly.  
"Why are you doing this?" asked the dark haired governor, her voice softer than before, but still not moving against the touch.  
"Because I want to and it's what you deserve" the answer the honest truth of what she thought.  
"It's not though, it's not, you need to stop!" Joan's voice suddenly beginning to rise again.  
"Is that what you want?" her voice firm but still soft.  
"Yes it is...no...yes..I don't know.." her brain scrambling at the question, wriggling under Vera's touch, the younger woman's hand breaking contact with Joan's face, the older woman throwing the cloth, it hitting the higher kitchen cabinets and bouncing off to land on the kitchen surface, finding her voice as she spoke again." Just go, leave, get out!" turning her back on Vera, her long frame visibly shaking, her arm swiping across the nearest counter, taking a couple of wine glasses with it and sending them crashing to the floor, keeping her back to the younger woman, her chest heaving more with heavy breathing, a frustrated cry leaving her lips.  
Why doesn't she listen.  
Listen and just not touch me.  
Leave me alone.  
I'm used to alone.  
I deserve to be alone.  
Don't deserve her touch, her attention, her care.  
Standing a little way away from Joan, Vera gently shook her head looking down at the mess on the floor, blue eyes being drawn back to the back of the tall governor.  
She really doesn't think she deserves anything.  
But she does.  
She does deserve it.  
I think she does.  
I know she does and I want to give it to her.  
After a few minutes of looking at the back of Joan, Vera closed the space between them, her arms entwining the waist of the woman in front of her, gently resting her cheek against the soft fabric of Joan's blouse, closing her eyes as she inhaled the clean, fresh scent.  
What.  
She's still here.  
She's touching me.  
Holding me.  
Not ran away.  
Not abandoned me.  
I fucking hate that word.

 

Letting her eyes drift down, she looked at the small arms and hands that were wrapped around her waist, moving her own arms towards them, pausing half way there, unsure, nervous, taking another pause to steady herself, then closed the remaining space, laying her own arms on top of Vera's, her larger hands resting on top of her deputy's.  
Vera couldn't help but smile to herself on feeling the touch.  
"Ok?" she whispered.  
Joan paused again before nodding silently.  
"Good. You're safe Joan, nothing is going to happen to you and you do deserve this" her arms squeezing gently as she spoke to emphasize her point.  
A hard swallow was made by Joan, the lump not disappearing from her throat despite her wanting it too.  
What the hell is going on.  
My outburst and her still, yet again being here.  
She's actually stayed despite my behaviour.  
She's not shouted, not ran, not talked down to me or retaliated.  
She's still here.  
And she's holding me.  
Stood behind me and cuddling me, saying I'm safe, and she's actually doing that, she's making me feel a sense of safety.  
I do feel a sense of security when she's with me.  
Joan returned the action and squeezed Vera's hands with her own, releasing a deep breath she'd become unaware she was holding, staying rooted to the spot as the woman behind her loosened her grip enough but not fully so she could slide around to stand in front of Joan, gazing up at her, dark brown eyes meeting hers.  
"About the.." started Joan, her voice quiet, motioning her head to the glass over the floor.  
"Shhhh" Vera shaking her head. "It's ok, that's over and done now, as long as you're not hurt that's all that matters" smiling softly.  
Seeing the smile merge over Vera's face after she'd spoken, Joan's expression softened and a little smile developed on her lips, swiftly followed by her leaning down and burrowing her face into Vera's neck, brushing her lips tenderly over her skin for a moment, after which her arms pulled the petite frame into her larger one, so that it was flush against her.  
The action grew the smile on Vera's face, one hand leaving Joan's waist and stroking through the long, dark, soft, shiny hair of the woman cuddled against her.  
"Joan?" the whisper loud enough for only the older woman to hear.  
"Yes?".  
"Can I ask you something and have you be honest with me?" feeling the governor lift her head from its position so she could look directly at Vera, see her eyes.  
What question does she want to ask?  
Suppose I don't actually know until she asks it.  
"Very well" her heart quickening up a bit from a few seconds ago.  
Right come on Vera, ask her and let's take it from there.  
Deep breath and do it.  
Keeping her expression calm and soft Vera steadied herself.  
Deep blue eyes looking directly into dark brown ones.

 

"Did you think I'd have left after you asked me too before?" her tone soft.  
Joan considered the question for a moment, at the same time her eyes searched for any hint of deception or underhand tactics in the question that had been posed to her.  
I can't see any signs of anything.  
She's looking at me directly.  
Her tone isn't raised or blunt.  
She's not moved away.  
Joan silently opened her mouth, closing it again and taking a breath, averting her gaze from Vera before reconnecting their eyes.  
Nodding she mumbled her answer. "Yes" looking away again.  
The younger woman couldn't help a small smile on her face at Joan's answer.  
That's interesting to know about her.  
She actually thinks I'll leave her.  
Get fed up of her and walk away.  
She pushes me to see my limits.  
Pushes me away from her because she's scared.  
Her past scares her, scares her of people.  
Of people being close.  
Getting close and then leaving her.  
I've gotten a bit close to her and she thinks I might do the same.

 

"Hey.." reaching her hand up and raising herself up on her toes she caught Joan's chin under her fingers, turning the dark haired governors face back to look at her. "Me leaving was never in question, maybe only if you'd have picked me up and physically carried me out" she smirked softly, this causing a chuckle from Joan.  
"It's true" keeping her hand on Joan's chin, her thumb brushing the older woman's jaw.  
She's saying she wouldn't leave.  
And she hasn't she's still here.  
Doing as she said.  
She's making me laugh.  
I can't help pushing her away.  
But right now she's here.  
She's staying.  
She's stayed.  
Looking deep into the sea blue eyes that looked back at her, the thoughts of Vera staying and confirming her action swirling through her head, the smile of the petite woman, her gaze, her touch, her flowery perfume, all assets of her drawing Joan closer like a magnet, the tall governor's frame lowering, slowly moving until she had her head level with Vera's, still saying nothing she grazed her lips against those of her deputy's, Vera's eyes closing at the gentle contact.   
Holding her position, Joan looked over her face again before she ghosted her lips to each corner of the opposite set of lips, the touch causing a smile to start and then cease from Vera, the ceasing due to the fact that the familiar set of soft lips had been pressed tentatively to hers, feeling the uncertainly in the older woman.  
I can feel and sense her nerves.  
She's taken what for her is a big risk in initiating contact with me.  
She's unsure.  
She's frightened.  
Not sure if she should.  
If I'll like it.  
If I want it.  
If she's allowed.  
Allowed by not just me but by herself.  
Vera moved both her hands around the back of Joan's head, fingers getting lost in the long, dark tresses, giving a soft smile and murmur of approval, adding a little nod for good measure to make certain Joan got the message that she liked it.  
She likes it.

 

She likes me doing this.  
She's telling me she does, confirming it.  
This woman in front of me seems to understand my needs.  
My need for that extra assurance.  
She hasn't run out tonight.  
She's still here and now she's letting me kiss her despite everything.  
I like the feel of her lips against mine.  
Like them a lot.  
They're soft, gentle, safe, caring.  
Just like she is.  
Her to me.  
Having gained more confidence from Vera's reassurance, Joan deepened the kiss, her tongue tickling the other woman's lower lip, silently wanting the consent to advance which Vera granted instantly, a groan being emitted the second she felt Joan's warm tongue against hers in her mouth, pulling herself closer to her boss, the older woman allowing herself to utter a soft murmur of agreement at what they were doing, holding the younger woman in a secure embrace against her body as they continued to exchange soft, but passionate kisses in the middle of the kitchen, thoughts of what mishaps had occurred that night long since forgotten.


	17. Chapter 17

Checking her appearance in her rear view mirror, Joan nodded in approval to what she saw.  
I look appropriately dressed for tonight.  
Not too much but not too little either.  
Tonight.  
Tonight with Vera.  
Vera cooking dinner.  
Cooking dinner for them.  
I can't recall when anyone cooked dinner for me.  
That's because no one ever has.  
Until now.

 

Getting out of her car, she made her way up the drive and stood at the front door, knocking on it.  
Hearing footsteps and then the door open, Joan smiled down at the petite woman smiling back up at her.  
"Joan" Vera said, her smile reflecting her delight at seeing the governor at her door.  
"Evening Vera" unable to stop herself returning the smile at seeing the other woman.  
What is it about her that makes me unable to not smile.  
Just now and seeing her smile up at me, obviously happy to see me, and I can't help but return that same action.  
She's happy to see me.  
Happy that I'm here.  
Happy to spend time with me.  
She wants to spend her time with me.  
Time out of work when she's free to do what she wants and she wants to spend it with me.  
No one has before, usually it's been the opposite.  
They want to get rid of me, or not bother in the first place.  
Hence me being alone for so long.  
But not her.  
Taking Joan's coat from her Vera hung it up beside hers next to the front door, smiling to herself at how they both looked on the hooks.  
They look right hung up there together.  
Different sizes obviously but they still don't look out of place.  
They look dare I say it at home.  
"I brought this" Joan said offering a bottle of Pinot Grigio to Vera.  
"Awww Joan thank you" taking the bottle, smiling at the older woman as she headed to the kitchen, Joan following behind.  
"I got you a little something too" Vera started, putting the wine in the fridge. "Just stay here I'll be right back ok?".  
"Erm.." not sure what she could be going to collect.  
"Close your eyes!" called the voice from somewhere near the front door.  
Close my eyes for what.  
What has she done.  
What is she bringing.

 

"Vera, this is all very.." not finishing her sentence, Vera having walked closer to her, her voice quieter now.  
"Please Joan?".  
Joan sighed softly and did as requested, still unsure.  
Shuffling, shuffling and rustling that's what I can hear, footsteps too.  
What exactly is this all about, hang on I can smell something too.  
What is it, what has she done.  
"Ok, now you can open your eyes" Vera instructed, stood in front of Joan.  
Keeping them closed for another couple of seconds, Joan did as she'd been asked, her eyes being greeted by a medium size bouquet of gardenias, the white flowers dotted through with leaves and various other flowers, held together in a silver wrap, a water bag at the stems.  
"For you" Vera said, passing them over to the older woman.  
Wow.  
She bought me flowers.  
But not just a regular petrol station or supermarket bunch, a florists type bunch of flowers.  
No one has ever bought me anything, let alone flowers.  
Not flowers like this at all.  
They're beautiful.  
What do I say to these?  
Can I accept them?  
Do I deserve them?

 

"Are they ok? Do you like them?" the blue eyes searching Joan's face for a response, becoming unsure if she should've bought them and picked something else for her, or not got her any kind of gift.  
"Joan?".  
"Hmm, oh yes yes they're...they're lovely. No one has ever....before...for me" averting her eyes back to her flowers, shyly. "Thank you" taking in the present she'd just been given.  
Vera smiled at her shyness, relief washing over her at Joan liking the gift.  
"They're gardenias, do you know what they symbolise?" watching Joan look to her as she spoke, shaking her head.  
You've started now Vera.  
Be honest with her.  
Just be up front.  
Tell her what they mean.  
Speak from your heart.  
Like you used when you picked them.  
"They symbolise alignment, hope, trust, purity, clarity, intuition, friendship and people we care deeply about to name a few" allowing herself to swallow after listing what they meant, blue eyes watching and waiting for the reaction of Joan.  
Did she just say that to me.  
Actually to me  
Her flowers can be a symbol of people we care about deeply.  
And she gave these flowers to me.  
But why.  
She shouldn't.  
Not to me.  
I'm not worthy.  
I've been told that, told I'm not worthy of any sort of love.  
Joan shook her head a little at the words.

 

"No..".  
No one loves you Joan came the voice of her father.  
You're worthless and don't deserve to be loved.  
You can't be loved Joan.  
You're a disappointment to everyone.  
No one can love you.  
"Joan?" Vera frowned as Joan's hands trembled, brown eyes screwed shut and then opened again staring right at Vera.  
"Y...you can't, not me, I'm not worthy of such things. No, no you just can't, I don't warrant that sort of thing...." putting her flowers on the kitchen counter, a set of hands gripping hers, her breath hitching at the contact, looking down at the petite woman.  
Vera nodded. "I can Joan and I do, you do deserve it, you're worthy of it, I know you are" gently squeezing the governors hands.  
She can't feel that for me how can she.  
My own father couldn't so how can she.  
How can anyone feel things for me.  
No one can.  
What is love.  
How do you love.  
How does anyone do such a thing.  
Love is scary.  
It's dangerous.  
It's feelings.

 

Again another furious shake of the head, eyes anywhere but on the woman who still kept hold of her hands.  
"Joan look at me, look at me Joan" her tone soft but firm.  
Don't you look at her Joan the voice of her father still there but not seeming as booming since Vera had started speaking to her.  
Almost like he'd faded.  
Faded a little into the background.  
His incessant tone had become less so since that word had left the other woman's lips.  
The battle in her head raged.  
Her father or Vera.  
Vera or her father.  
Which one.  
Which was right.  
"Joan...please?" the tender tones filtering her back to the present moment, brown eyes reconnecting their focus to the voice.  
Standing on her tiptoes she cradled Joan's face in her hands, looking deep into her eyes, thumbs stroking the soft skin on her cheeks.  
"I'm sorry if what I said scared you, I didn't mean it too, I just wanted to be honest with you like I always have been".  
Again the older woman closed her eyes and shook her head.  
Her body screaming for her to get out of there, her mind joining in with the protests.  
But not her heart.

 

That organ deep within her chest, the thing that had been locked and shackled in its prison since being a child, the layer of ice that covered it and kept it frozen, it was this very organ that seemed to be winning the battle to keep her stood in front of Vera, keeping her rooted to the spot, keeping her face in them soft, warm hands, the hands that seemed to know exactly what she wanted.  
"Please stay for dinner and if then after you want to go I won't stop you, I promise" knowing she wanted the older woman to stay for as long as she could possibly keep her.  
Joan's eyes bore deep into the blue ones, seemingly in a trance not saying anything until a nod, just a little nod to say she would.  
"Thank you" Vera said, the nod enough for her.  
Releasing her hands from Joan's face, Vera moved into the kitchen and checked on the meal she was cooking, glancing to the woman still stood in the same spot.  
"Can I get you something to drink?" watching Joan look to her.  
"Erm, I'll have some wine please" making her way to lean on the countertop, not quite sure where to put herself.  
I'm not used to this, being in someone else's house and especially not what she just said to me.  
What do I do, where do I put myself?  
Do I just go and sit down at the table, or wait?  
What she said to me.  
What she said about me.  
It's shocked me.  
Surprised me.  
Didn't expect it in the slightest.  
The very opposite in fact.  
All my life I've been told I'm not worth anything.  
No one loves me.  
But then she's just come along and said the opposite.

 

Passing the wine glass to the older woman, who took it gratefully and took a sip of the cool liquid, Vera moved to the table that had been laid out with silver cutlery and dark place mats and two coasters against the wooden platform of dining table.  
"Would you like to sit down, everything is near enough ready to be served" motioning to the chairs.  
Joan nodded and took her place at the table, her glass taking its place on the coaster, brown eyes raising to wander over to the woman now in the kitchen who was bustling about with the various pans on the stove, items in the oven and plates on the side.  
She really has made an effort here tonight to make a nice dinner.  
She's laid out a lovely table, the food smells lovely, she's even bought me a gift, not to mention she's said she cares for me.  
She does.  
Someone has admitted they have that kind of emotion for me.  
Emotion for me.  
They feel that in themselves for me.  
And they admitted to my face.  
"This looks and smells lovely, thank you" Joan said as the steaming plate of food was placed in front of her.  
"I hope you enjoy it and it's cooked to your liking" Vera smiled at the observation of the older woman.  
Joan gave her a little smile, waiting as Vera joined her with her own plate, a jug of water being brought and placed at the side, so it didn't block the view across to the other.  
Dinner was a combination of general conversation and comfortable silences, both of them unable it seemed to stop the glances they stole of the other woman when she was looking to her food.  
"Thank you Vera, that was very nice" the younger woman taking the plates to the kitchen and beginning to tidy up.  
"Can I help you at all?" Joan offered, still sat in her place.  
"It's ok, you just relax there, thank you" smiling before going back to what she was doing."You can go through to the living room if that'd be more comfortable for you?".  
"Thank you" taking her drink and moving through the house and into the living room, Vera waiting for her footsteps to drift down the hallway, leaning against the sink and closing her eyes.  
I'm so hoping that she doesn't want to leave.  
She's not mentioned about it since I mentioned it.  
I'm praying I've not scared her off, if I have then god knows how I'm going to reverse that.  
Calm Vera calm, she's still here.  
Just finish in here and then go and spend time with her.

 

Taking a breath, she put the rest of the pots in the dishwasher, setting it on, picking up her own wine glass and making her way to the living room, her heart relaxing at seeing Joan still here and taking in the various ornaments she had on display.  
"There's not many pictures in here.." she offered, stepping into the room causing Joan to turn to the sound. "Mum wasn't one for them really, and she certainly removed any that had my dad and me on when he left" looking at Joan as she spoke.  
"You didn't know your father?" Joan asked, not knowing much about her deputy's past.  
"Not much no, he left when I was young and nothing after that just mum and I, and this is how it remained till she....died. I can't say that we were close though not at all" taking a sip of wine to ease the dryness in her mouth.  
"No?" Joan's turn to take a sip of wine, joining the younger woman to sit beside her on the sofa, turning inwards so she was facing her as they talked, leaving a space gap in between.  
Vera shook her head.  
"No, she was.... she was abusive, verbally and emotionally, it was like this for years, since I was younger, couldn't do anything right, didn't matter what I did it wasn't good enough, not good enough for her, said I'd never amount to anything, that I was useless..." needing more wine as she spoke.  
Vera.  
Useless.  
No she wasn't.  
She was anything but.  
She was beautiful, kind, caring, helpful.  
How dare her mother treat her this way.  
Abuse her like this.  
All this woman had ever done is care for her.  
Run around all day everyday for her.  
And she had the front to call her this.  
How dare she!  
No one should treat Vera like this.  
Hang on.  
She said not good enough.  
Her mother said she wasn't good enough, just like my father said to me.  
He'd used them exact same words.  
Over and over.  
Year after year.  
No matter what I did it wouldn't ever be good enough, just like me.

 

"Joan?" Vera said, the older woman looking to the woman beside her at the call of her name. "Are you ok?".  
"I'm fine, thank you. Just listening to what you said, your mother should never have said those things to you, they're horrible, wicked things...damaging things" hitching on the last two words and needing another drink.  
"Yes they are damaging, they effect you for a long time, make you doubt yourself, knock down your confidence, your self esteem..." surprising herself at her openness in front of Joan.  
The older woman nodded as she listened to Vera speak, surprised at what her deputy was telling her.  
"The picture in your house, is that you with your dad?" the younger woman asked softly, wanting to test the ground first and not push anything with the governor.  
Joan's eyes immediately met the blue ones of Vera's at the question, seeing nothing but a genuine and honest interest in the question, to which she dipped her head.  
"Yes it is..." fiddling with the stem of the wine glass in her hand.  
"Did he teach you how to fence?".  
Basic questions Vera, nothing too much for her to answer.  
Nothing too prying.  
Joan considered the question.  
Nothing about me personally.  
Me directly.  
Is it too prying?  
No, it's about fencing.  
I can answer that.  
"No" shaking her head, tilting back up to look at Vera. "He took me along with him when I was a young girl, said for me to try it, enrolled me, that it'd be good for me, beneficial.." sipping her wine. "So I carried it on, and I still do it now" finishing the rest of her wine.  
"Would you like some more?" Vera offered seeing the empty glass.  
Joan looked between the glass and the woman next to her.  
Do I have some more?  
She doesn't seem to want to get rid of me.  
Seems to be enjoying my company in her house.  
Asking questions but not too much, not ones I can't answer.  
And I feel ok in her company.  
There's not many times I'm able to say that about someone.  
I don't think there's ever been a time outside of work I've been able to say that.  
Ever.  
"That would be nice, thank you" Joan said, passing her glass to Vera, watching as the younger woman left the living room, she took a moment to look around again, taking her surroundings in more, moving the cushions from behind her and setting them to the side near the arm, she shuffled herself so she was sat back properly into the sofa, moving from being perched on the edge a few moments before, allowing herself to be that bit more comfortable.


	18. Chapter 18

"You heard what the governor said and her word is final, now come on back to your unit!" Vera ordered the prisoner who'd taken it upon herself to protest outside the office door after being told she couldn't have whatever silly requests she seemed to have put forth to Joan.  
Some of these prisoners I really wonder about.  
Do they not understand the concept of a governor and the fact that her word is final, regardless of how many times they protest and kick off.  
Bloody hell.  
God help us all working in corrections.  
The re enforcement and back up hadn't been lost on the ever listening ears of Joan Ferguson.  
She'd very much heard the fact her deputy had just defended her and her decision in front of a prisoner.  
Having managed to find a little time to squeeze in a lunchtime in between the various goings on in the prison today, Vera sat in the now empty staff room, the rest of the staff now back on duty, these of course taking their lunch hours at the exact time, no missing food and lunches for them.  
Well I say lunchtime, it's way past that but for me it's lunchtime.  
With the sandwiches she'd prepared the night before in front of her on the table wrapped neatly in cling film, an apple by their side, Vera thumbed through the newspaper that someone had brought with them and left this morning, her eyes staying on the pages, opening the clear food wrapper and taking one half of the sandwich, the bread crammed with salad and ham, replacing it back where it came from, she carried on reading, her mind then drifting, drifting to Joan.

 

That name.  
That woman.  
That entity.  
Such a complex collection of everything.  
I'm so glad she didn't leave straight away the other night after our meal, she even took her flowers home, said she'd find a nice place for them in her house.  
She's displaying her flowers from me in her home.  
The word displaying I like, she's not hiding them.  
We even shared a goodnight kiss, ok it wasn't what some might consider a full on snog, up against the wall and all that but I don't care, it was just right, just right for us.  
What, did I just say that us?  
Us.  
Joan and I.  
Is that possible to think in terms of.  
Well let's consider the facts.  
We've spent time together.  
Been to each other's houses.  
Had dinner together.  
Been close in terms of hugs and physical contact.  
And from what I've found out about her she's not been used to physical contact with anyone at any time.  
But she seems to like it with me.  
Settles when I hold her.  
Has been asleep in my arms.  
Now that I liked a lot.  
I enjoyed it.  
Enjoyed her.  
She looked so peaceful, so content.  
Not to mention stunning, I was able to look at her, properly look at her, her features, down to her eyelashes.  
God how does she not know how beautiful she is.  
Yes she can be what's the word...infuriating, that works, but oh she's so much more too.  
Strong, sensitive, vulnerable, beautiful, funny, complicated, oh so many other different things I could go on and on.  
She's just her.  
Just Joan.  
And she's got me sat here thinking about her.  
No that's a lie, I think about her all the time.  
I can't stop thinking about her.  
And that I can say I've never done before.  
About anyone.  
Definitely not another woman.  
But now I do.  
About her.  
Just her.  
I want her.  
I want Joan Ferguson.  
I know I have to be patient.  
Patient with her but I will be, I'll try my best to be.  
To try to understand.  
To be there.  
Because I want her.  
Vera Bennett wants Joan Ferguson.

 

"Sierra one to sierra two".  
The sound of the radio breaking her out of her own thoughts.  
"Go ahead sierra one".  
"Ms Bennett could you come to my office please?".  
"Of course governor" releasing the button on the radio, replacing it back in her utility belt, quickly eating the rest of her sandwich, making her way out of the staffroom and to the office.  
Now what I have done.  
What has she found that I may have done wrong.  
I can't recall anything off the top of my head.  
Let's just go and find out.  
She might surprise me.  
Maybe.  
"Come in" the tones floating through the air from behind the door of the office.  
"You wanted to see me governor?" stepping into the room.  
"Yes, please come in and shut the door, take a seat" motioning to the chairs in front of her desk, turning to face the younger woman, a glance out of the window and then back to Vera, who was now sat straight in front of her.  
"How are things going today?".  
"They're going well thank you, not much to report so far, nothing past the usual goings on that we get here on a day to day basis, the odd mouthing off from a couple of prisoners, but that was swiftly dealt with by me and a couple of the other officers, apart from that nothing else to report or bring to your attention" smiling softly at the face that looked directly at hers.  
Joan gave a little nod in confirmation at hearing her answer.

 

"Very good Vera, erm...before when the prisoner you'd brought to me had left the office, I heard her outside protesting about my decision..." watching the woman across from her listening intently.  
"Yes Joan.." waiting for the rest of what she was going to say.  
"Then you re enforced my decision, told her what I said was final".  
"I did yes because it is, and I am, as your deputy always happy to back you up" her answer firm and honest.  
Joan studied the woman in front of her.  
No one else in her life had done this, backed her up, quite the opposite.  
They'd belittled her.  
Betrayed her.  
Abandoned her.  
Told her she was always wrong.  
It wasn't good enough, as she wasn't.  
"Thank you Vera for your support, it is appreciated" and it was, the dark haired woman fixing her eyes with Vera's, making sure the sentiment got across.  
Vera smiled happily.  
"I know it is, just as I appreciate that that you give me".  
Now it was Joan's turn to give her a smile, her eyes creasing at the corner of those brown eyes.  
God I love it when she smiles like that.  
A proper smile.  
She smiles with her eyes.  
Such glorious eyes.  
Joan's eyes.

 

"That'll be all for now I think, thank you" getting up off the chair and straightening her uniform Vera headed for the door, her hand about to push the handle down, her attention being drawn back to look at the woman sat behind the desk as Joan said her name.  
"Yes?" releasing the door handle to turn back round.  
"I...I was just wondering.." fidgeting with the pen in her hand, turning to look out of the office window for a moment, gathering herself enough to finish what she was trying to say, her mind wrestling with itself.  
How do I ask her after last time.  
Last time when I messed it up.  
What if she says no.  
Rejects me.  
Doesn't want to bother with me, then what?  
But what if she doesn't.  
She hasn't ever rejected me yet even when I felt certain she would.  
She's done the opposite, she's accepted my offers despite of everything.  
Despite of what I've done.  
Despite of who I am.  
"Erm...drinks, food, tonight after work, with me maybe..if you'd like..." hands still fidgeting anxiously with the pen, nostrils slightly flared but not in anger, eyes flickering over Vera's face, awaiting an answer.  
Vera's lips curved into a smile at the offer, her teeth being revealed as she did so.  
"I'd love to" watching the tension lessen from Joan's face at her answer, affording a smile of her own, back to the door she turned leaving the governor's office, heading down the corridor and thinking of what she'd just experienced.

 

She'd asked me out.  
Not outright, but in her own way.  
Even though the last time we went out that happened, she's asked me again.  
She's taken a risk.  
A risk that I wouldn't say no.  
That I wouldn't reject her and her offer.  
Because to reject one thing like this is to reject Joan herself.  
And that's what she's used to.  
What has happened to her all her life, from being a little girl.  
She's taken a risk in asking me.  
And what does taking that type of risk for Joan mean, it means a she's given me a certain amount of trust.  
Trust that I'd say yes, that I'd accept her offer.  
I've gained a bit of trust.  
Gained a bit more trust from Joan Ferguson.  
And this is one thing she definitely doesn't give out lightly, if at all.  
But she's chosen to give some to me.  
And I intend not to waste this.  
Not at all.


	19. Chapter 19

They'd both gone home to quickly shower and change after work, before heading to the bar in separate taxi's.  
Joan had chosen a nice bar not too far out of town, but far enough they could be given an amount of privacy.  
And we all know how much she values her privacy, especially on occasions like this.  
Paying and thanking the driver, Vera immediately saw the tall figure waiting for her at the door, brown eyes instantly knowing it was her, raising her head to acknowledge the fact she'd seen her.  
"Hello again" Vera smiled, standing in front of Joan.  
"Hello" giving the other woman a small smile. "Shall we.." standing to the side to allow Vera in first.  
Moving into the calm, but gently bustling wine bar, it obviously being one of the more exclusive ones just out of the city.  
Bottles of wine lined the walls in wrap around metal holders, wooden tables and chairs in the middle of the space, with more comfy chairs with wooden tables outlining the room, a wrap around bar to the left, with a view through to the kitchen if you were to be seated on the high stools of the bar.  
"I took the liberty to book us a quiet table in the corner, I hope that this meets with your approval" Joan said, as they were shown to said table.  
"Very much so" taking the chair across from Joan.  
After ordering some wine from the menu along with some food, they both took a mouthful from their glasses, eyes glancing to the other.  
"This is nice" Vera said, replacing the glass on the table.

 

The dark haired woman mirrored her action. "Thank you, I've heard recommendations that it's a nice place so I thought it'd be suitable".  
"More than suitable, it was a good choice Joan" another sip from her glass. "I'm so happy that you asked me, thank you" smiling her appreciation.  
Look at that smile.  
That smile that says she's happy to be here, to be here with me.  
I'm grateful that she is.  
So grateful.  
"You're welcome" smiling as the waiter brought their food.  
Vera making soft murmurs of approval, nodding to herself as she ate, this not going unnoticed at all by her companion, the sounds causing a fizzing in the lower belly of Joan, taking sips of wine between mouthful of foods.  
That noise she's been making it shouldn't affect me but it does.  
I didn't even notice it until that fizz in my stomach.  
It was like I needed the sips of wine to extinguish it, or quell it a little at least.  
With their plates cleared, the table opened up, the jug of water and the second bottle of wine they were sharing on it moved to the side, a clear path between the two of them so the view of the other wasn't obstructed.

 

"I..I find it difficult" started Joan, clearing her throat, fists clenching anxiously, eyes raising to peek a look at Vera, the deputy looking back at her.  
Vera kept silent, she could clearly see Joan struggling, but her interruption wasn't going to help, if anything it would hinder the older woman.  
Joan sighed, her brain clutching to find the right words and then say them out loud.  
"Difficult to...to..express myself.." the wine helping to generate more saliva in her now acrid mouth.   
Still Vera listened, not affected by the amount of time the dark haired governor was taking to speak, this not being lost on Joan, the expression on her younger companion remaining soft and understanding, giving Joan a soft, encouraging smile.  
Pause again.  
She's not bothered Joan, she's waiting, letting you speak, smiling.  
Take your time.  
She's listening, focused on you, interested.  
Wanting to know.  
"It's...I try..hard, it's just...very difficult" drinking the rest of her wine in one mouthful, refilling it and then taking sip from her glass of water, her heart thumping.  
Now I've told her what will she say.  
Will she run away.  
Abandon me.  
Belittle me.  
Make fun.  
Mock me.  
Call me a freak.  
"That's ok for you to feel this way, it's not a bad thing, not everyone finds it easy to express themselves and open up, but it can become easier over time. Thank you for telling me this, sharing this, it was very brave of you" reaching across the table to give her hand a reassuring squeeze.

 

Still here.  
Praising me.  
Encouraging me.  
Accepting what I said.  
Validating me.  
Not abandoning me.  
Joan squeezed the hand in hers, flashing a quick smile to the other woman, Vera's action seeming to settle her fleeting thoughts.  
"Care for dessert?" Joan asked, their hands parting.  
"Oh I might be able to be tempted, but only if you'll have one too?" waiting for the other woman's answer.  
"Go on then" unable to help herself smile again at Vera.

 

What was all this smiling.  
I've never smiled so much in my life.  
Not since she's been around me.  
My face doesn't know what's happened to it.  
My cheek muscles are having a workout it seems.  
Now here I am eating dessert.  
I can't remember eating it even as a child, but I am now.  
Because she wants one and wants me to and I want her to be happy.  
Thinking about someone else.  
Caring about them.  
Me.  
Yes me.  
Not just thinking about me.  
I'm thinking about someone else.  
Her.

 

Dessert was ordered and quickly followed, then Joan was asking the waiter for their bill as Vera finished her wine.  
"How much is it, I'll pay for my half.." she asked, looking to the dark haired woman across from her.  
"Not at all, I'm paying for this.." watching Vera's hand move for the receipt on the little plate, Joan stopping her by placing her hand over the younger woman's, their eyes connecting, looking, fixed on the others.  
"Please" Joan whispered, not moving their hands, or her eyes from Vera's.  
How can I resist that tone, those eyes, the feel of her hand on mine, her skin touching my skin.  
"Ok, but I'll get it next time, ok?" giving Joan a smile that let her know she definitely wanted to do this again, that she'd enjoyed it.  
The older woman nodded almost instantly without even thinking about it, her body and mind seemingly already making their decision.  
"Ok" smiling at the gesture, again their hands parting as the waiter rejoined them, Joan offering her card to him to pay.  
"Thank you Joan" smiling happily at the older woman.  
"You're welcome" she smiled back, unable to wander her eyes for the hundredth time that night over her dinner companion.  
Making their way out of the bar they stopped and turned to look at each other, automatic smiles appearing on their faces.  
"Shall I order the taxi now?" Joan taking her bag from her shoulder to get her phone, being stopped with Vera's hand over hers before she'd even unzipped it.  
"Maybe we could walk back together, it's not raining or anything, weather isn't unpleasant.." she reasoned, leaving her hand over Joan's.

 

Joan looked to the night sky as if inspecting it, eyes floating down to the woman next to her.  
"Very well" handbag back on her shoulder, walking beside Vera, trying to keep her stride steady so the smaller woman could keep up.  
Making their way through the various avenues cutting out walking too long a way round on their journey home, Vera glanced around as they made their way down another one of these avenues, houses and cars on either side, jumping on hearing a scuffle followed by a clanking sound, yelping in fright moving quickly to the tall woman beside her and grabbing her arm, shuffling into her, frightened, causing them both to stop in their tracks, Vera's breathing quickening. A few minutes of tense waiting, mainly on Vera's part followed before a raccoon appeared from up the drive, scurrying away on seeing both women watching it.  
Vera let her breath out at seeing the culprit, starting to loosen her arms from Joan's one arm.  
"I'm sorry..sorry Joan.." suddenly feeling embarrassed and nervous at her frantic action for the sake of a raccoon.  
She's nervous at what she's just done.  
I can sense it.  
Nervous for grabbing me, grabbing my arm.  
But she felt that I'd protect her, keep her safe.  
She trusts me to do that.  
There's that word again.  
Trust.  
And she didn't hurt me, she's smaller than me, she couldn't hurt me, not in that way.

 

Saying nothing Joan put her hand on top of the arm of Vera's that remained around hers, looking down at her.  
"It's alright, you..you can hold my arm if you like, if you feel safer" her voice quiet so only Vera could hear her.  
She tightened her arm around Joan's, already feeling safer at being close to her, her legs falling in stride with Joan's slowed walking pace  
"Thank you" Vera whispered as they walked, slyly glancing to catch a glimpse of the woman whose arm she held, her back straight, head up, long hair flowing and bouncing a bit with the light breeze, the long legs making short work of the pavement underneath them.  
The comfortable silence continued as they both resumed walking, not awkward, not tense, not needing to be filled by words, the settled and calm atmosphere between them saying everything they needed it to.


	20. Chapter 20

Pacing.  
Up and down.  
Up and down.  
Up and down.  
Rubbing her forearms and then tapping her forehead.  
Body unsettled, mind thinking but nothing specific, just full.  
She looked around her kitchen, filled a glass with water from the filter jug in the fridge and took a sip leaning against the counter.  
Not long ago she'd finished her night shift as had Vera and she'd tried to go to bed but couldn't sleep.  
Why the hell can't I sleep, I've just come off a night shift I thought sleep would come rather easily.  
It appears not.  
Fucks sake.  
She banged her fist down on the counter in frustration, frustration at herself.  
This is ridiculous Ferguson.  
Get a grip and just go to sleep.  
Well if I could then I wouldn't be stood here would I.  
Idiot.

 

Shaking her head with her eyes closed she then opened them to look across to the dining table, her mind wandering back to Vera and her having dinner, sharing laughs, conversations, kisses.  
All the things I think I couldn't do.  
Wasn't capable of doing.  
Doing with anyone.  
Told I wasn't capable of doing.  
That I wasn't allowed to do.  
Because of what it meant.  
But all this time I didn't actually know what it meant.  
I still don't really.  
Not totally.  
Maybe I'm waiting.  
Waiting for the abandonment.  
The hectoring.  
The pushing away she'll do.  
The shouting at me.  
Telling me how I'm not good enough.  
That she can't be near me.  
Just like he did.  
He said that to me.  
Him.  
My own father.

 

Everyday he'd reminded me of it, of how I couldn't be loved, that I was too needy, too clingy, cried too much, wanted to be held all the time, little arms always outstretched wanting that contact, needing that contact to comfort and soothe me, something he'd never done, never wanted to do, didn't want to give me that because it was me and I wasn't worthy of it, that he never loved me because he just couldn't, couldn't love me because I was too weak, soft and just an annoyance by wanting attention. So he did the opposite, the opposite of what I wanted, what I needed, and worse still he punished me for being this way.  
Physically and mentally.  
Constantly.  
Screwing her eyes shut she leaned down onto the island in the middle of the kitchen, breathing becoming more heavy, nostrils starting to flare, willing her thoughts away, the painful ones, the haunting ones, ones that brought the memories flashing back to the forefront of her mind.  
She was a little girl, not more than a couple of years old and he was pushing her, pushing her away hard, her little body hitting the solid floor underneath it, shouting at her, slapping her around the face as he shouted, bellowing at her to stop crying, to stop being soft, to stop wailing, to go away and leave him alone, that she was nothing but a burden, a nuisance, that he didn't love her, how could he or anyone else possible love a little annoyance like her, always in the way.  
And so it continued, it was always like this, for years, years and years of being told the same things, treated the same way, not in front of people, not in public, oh no that would never do, he had an image to maintain, the perfect man, the perfect father, the perfect daughter.  
So no one seemed to have an inkling, an inkling of the pain that that house held, the pain that little girl was carrying on her small shoulders, weighing her down, pushing her feelings down, repressing her, scarring her, damaging her.  
"Why me, what did I ever do!? I was just a little girl!" the words coming out in a yelled rush, the glass being picked up and thrown into the sink, shattering with the force it'd hit the bowl with.  
Eyes creasing with anguish, a burning ache rising from the pit of her stomach, like someone had poured molten lava down her throat, fist balling tight as one of them was thrust against her own mid section, eyes opening to frantically search for her phone.   
Grabbing it from the dining table, her shaking hands scrolled to Vera's number, her mind wrestling with itself, her finger catching the name and number and causing it to dial out, after only a few seconds it was answered.

 

"Hello....Joan?" the sleepy voice on the other end of the line mumbled.  
Shit I didn't mean for her to answer straight away.  
Damn my shaking hands.  
Damn.  
"Yes, Vera erm...I...could you come ov..." shaking her head to herself. "It's ok, doesn't matter, sorry for disturbing you, sorry" ending the call, clenching the fist harder that held the phone, tapping it on her forehead.  
What did you do that for, she was in bed sleeping after a night shift.  
She's tired and wants to be in bed not getting up at this time.  
Stupid, selfish, idiot.  
Muttering to herself Joan moved to sit on the stairs, her head in her hands, the sound of the door bell an infinite amount of time later, she wasn't sure how long it'd been, causing her attention to be diverted to the sound, frowning as she padded to the door in bare feet, slowly opening it, seeing a small familiar figure on the other side.  
Vera.  
"Vera?".  
"Yes, you rang me" she replied, dressed in lounge pants, her hair loose, a coat thrown over the top, slipper boots on her feet, obviously not long out of bed.  
"I...yes I did, but I shouldn't have done, shouldn't have rang you, my apologies for your wasted journey" looking as the smaller woman pushed her hands into her pockets, Joan feeling embarrassed at herself, eyes diverting from Vera to the floor.  
"It's ok Joan, you don't have to apologise for that, you can ring me whenever you like" standing on the doorstep, not pushing her way into the house.

 

On hearing this offer Joan looked up.  
Looked up into the sea blue eyes.  
Honest eyes, caring eyes, tired eyes.  
Vera's eyes.  
"Thank you" eyes back to the floor.  
Look at how embarrassed she feels.  
Feels bad for calling me, but she doesn't have to.  
I'm glad she called me, took the time to reach out.  
Reach out for me, for whatever reason she did.  
One I came here to find out about.  
Help her with if I can.  
"Are you ill, hurt, or has something else happened?" she asked softly, watching the older woman step aside, her cue for Vera to come in, which she took gladly, Joan crossing to sit on one of the dining chairs, eyes focusing on her clasped hands in her lap.  
"I'm not ill, or hurt, I just...I can't...I can't sleep" she said, quickly darting a look at her deputy who'd stepped closer to her, then back to her hands.  
Now is her opportunity to leave or call me names.  
She's got a wide open goal to mock me.  
Make fun, or dismiss me.  
Humiliate me.  
Call me weak.

 

Vera glanced around the space, and then back to the woman sat on the chair.  
Look at her, she's embarrassed, shy, feels silly.  
But she doesn't have to.  
Not with me, never with me.  
Crouching down she took Joan's hands, the touch bringing Joan's eyes with hers.  
"There's no need to feel any embarrassment, or to feel silly, or any of those things, not with me, ok?" feeling happier as Joan nodded in recognition of the words. "Now, would you like to talk about or finish what you were going to say on the phone to me, hmm?" her voice soft and caring.  
Giving a light swallow Joan looked at her hands being partly covered and held by Vera's smaller ones, the woman in front of her not showing any signs of being annoyed or unhappy to have been called out of bed by her.  
She doesn't seem mad at all.  
I don't sense any of this from her, plus she's just said she's not and she's never lied before.  
Not lied to me before now.  
She's here holding my hands, asking me to talk to her, wanting to help.  
Wanting to help me.  
No one has ever offered this in any capacity to me before.  
No one but her.

 

"I...I...I need..." sighing at her inability to just get her words out straight away, her tongue dashing out over her lips to moisten them, she took a minute to gather herself and try again. "I... I rang you to see if you'd come over because I can't sleep, but when you've been here with me.." dark brown eyes looking to Vera, hoping she could finish her sentence.  
Well there we go, she asked so I told her.  
Let's see what that does now.  
I hope she understands what I mean.  
I think she might do.  
I hope.  
Vera couldn't help but smile at the admission from the woman in front of her.  
"You've be able to sleep, hmm?" she finished, thinking she'd got it right, this being instantly confirmed with Joan's nod. "Shall we go and see if we can't do that again?".  
"Please" replied the governor, giving a small smile, her hand covering a yawn that escaped.  
"I'll just take these off" Vera said slipping off her slippers and coat, hanging the coat on the hook next to Joan's, her slippers neatly together next to the black work shoes of the older woman.  
Vera looked to the stairs, Joan waiting at the bottom for her, this simple action causing the deputy to smile.  
"Shall we?" watching Joan nod and step towards the stairs, the taller woman going up first, Vera not far behind.  
Stepping into Joan's bedroom and closing the door, Vera glanced at the bed, the duvet and sheets creased and not made, obviously it had had someone in it tossing and turning in all directions before raising from it and leaving it as it was until now.

 

Moving to the side she'd gotten in those weeks ago, Vera slipped under the covers, watching her boss do the same on the other side, brown eyes on Vera.  
"You look tired Joan" looking over the face of the woman on her side next to her, seeing her trying to hide another yawn.  
She's cute when she yawns and tries to hide it, somehow thinking it bad that she's tired, she's done a nightshift like me, not surprised she's tired.  
Joan nodded saying "I am" shuffling closer to Vera then holding her position, Vera moving forward herself into the space, embracing the older woman in her arms, smiling on feeling Joan's arms snake around her, softly kissing the top of her head, her senses being filled by the scent of the older woman's shampoo.  
"I like being close to you and holding you" Vera whispered into the dark hair beneath her lips, feeling a shift of the head underneath her, Joan looking up into her eyes.  
"I like it too" was the whispered reply, surprising herself at not feeling as tentative as she thought she would on admitting this, seeing the face of her companion light up into a happy smile at her admission, unable it seemed to stop herself mirroring the smile.  
That smile she has lights up her whole face, her blue eyes sparkle.  
It seems to trigger my mouth into a smile, gives me that fluttery feeling in my stomach.  
A fluttery feeling I've never experienced before.  
It's a strange sensation but not unpleasant.  
Especially when it's caused by her.  
I also surprise myself at admitting I like her close and holding me.  
I never admit things like this.  
I've never admitted this.  
Ever.  
Vera kissed her forehead softly, snuggling closer to Joan, if this was actually possible, but she was going to try anyway.

 

"Close those tired eyes of yours and go to sleep, I'm here and I'm not going to go anywhere, ok?" her happy smile turning into a grin on feeling a soft kiss be placed on her neck, this followed by Joan resting her head back on her shoulder, whispering " Thank you Vera".  
The feeling that comes over me when she holds me is nothing I've ever felt before.  
It's safe, it's secure.  
Two things I've never been able to say I've felt in someone's presence before.  
No one's.  
Not even my own fathers.  
Especially not him.  
But here she is saying she likes having this contact with me.  
Likes it despite me finding it hard.  
I've no idea how I managed to be able to have such a kind and understanding person in my life, but I'm grateful I do.  
Very grateful.  
She has a calming effect on me.  
I feel dare I say it happy with her.  
I like and want to be near her.  
For her to be near me.  
I want to make her happy.  
I like seeing her smile so much.  
It makes me smile.  
I can't help but smile when I see her face light up.  
She's beautiful.  
Very beautiful.  
I want her to keep smiling, especially around me.  
I want to keep her safe too.  
To protect her.  
Treat her properly.  
Look after her, just like she does for me.  
I want her.  
Her with me.  
Joan felt her eyes closing on matching her breathing with the steady breaths of the woman underneath her, the woman whose very presence seemed to give her everything she'd ever wanted but not realised she'd been looking for and actually needed.  
The chance at feeling safe and able to fall asleep knowing she was wanted.  
Someone actually wanted and cared for her.  
And just for her.


	21. Chapter 21

Look at her.  
Look at how peaceful she looks.  
So content.  
So at ease.  
So beautiful.  
Lips slightly parted as she sleeps.  
Breathing steady.  
Not a flicker of tension on that face.  
Oh that face.  
Those eyebrows.  
That nose.  
Those lips.  
Definitely those lips.  
Kissable lips.  
Her eyes.  
Dark brown, big eyes.  
That hold my attention.  
So that I can't look anywhere else.  
Draw me in.  
Hypnotize me.  
Those eyes that crinkle at the corners and close so the pupils are barely visible when she laughs.  
Those eyes that have seen so much, so much bad stuff no doubt, things that can never been unseen only dealt with and moved on from.  
I don't think she understands how stunning she actually is.  
How beautiful she is.

 

She's sensitive, vulnerable, guarded, kind, scarred, frightened, fierce, nervous.  
She's everything all roll into one human being.  
Everything most people would find hard to understand.  
Wouldn't even want to try to understand.  
Haven't ever tried to understand so it seems.  
And what a loss that is to them.  
The loss of having her.  
Having her by their side.  
Losing the chance of spending time with her.  
Their loss is my gain.  
A big gain for me.

 

"Don't...don't hurt me, please" was the pleading request from Joan, still fast asleep but wriggling under the covers, her face scrunching up, a light film of sweat on her forehead.  
"It's ok, it's alright, shhh, I'm here, I've got you" Vera soothed, gathering the older woman in her arms and holding her close, stroking her hair and then placing a kiss against it. "No one is going to hurt you" again stroking Joan's hair, the body in her arms relaxing at her actions, Joan then curled up into Vera more, settling in a spot with her head on Vera's chest, her breathing calm.  
Vera smiled at how easily she seemed to be able to connect with the woman in her arms even though she was fast asleep, it was if Joan knew subconsciously that she was there and would keep her safe.  
She trusted her to protect her.  
Protect her in her most vulnerable state.  
And I would do, I will do.  
I won't let anyone hurt her.  
Anyone.  
Settling back in against the pillows Vera closed her eyes, quite happy to lay in and enjoy the atmosphere, the only sounds to be heard were those of her and Joan's breathing in sync, chests rising and falling together.  
A short while later Vera was awake, back watching the woman led against her, Joan having shifted up her body more in sleep to now have her head on Vera's shoulder, still curled in tight to the smaller frame next to her.

 

"Hello you" Vera murmured softly on seeing the dark orbs being revealed from the sleepy eye lids of Joan.  
The governor smiled sleepily, stretching her long limbs the length of the bed, returning them to their previous position of being snug against Vera.  
"Hello" Joan replied, studying Vera's face, taking in her features, almost as if she'd never seen her before. "Have you been awake long?".  
Vera shook her head smiling. "Not long no, how did you sleep?".  
"Rather well thank you, much better than usual" not moving her gaze from Vera, it's true she always did sleep better when Vera was with her, she was what was the word....settled.  
"I'm glad" tracing an index finger down Joan's cheek, then along her jaw.  
Without a word Joan leant up, cupping Vera's face with a single hand, pressing her lips gently to those of her deputy for a long good morning kiss, feeling Vera's lips curve into a smile with their actions.  
"Well that was a nice way to start the day" Vera said, her eyes sparkling, lips red from the kiss.  
Joan's smile grew into a soft grin, one that reached all the way to her eyes at the comment. "Yes, I agree" Vera spotting the glint of happiness in her eyes.  
"I was thinking, maybe, maybe we could do something or just spend some time together today, I understand if you didn't want to or had other plans or.." being stopped mid sentence by a hand covering hers, Joan's.  
"I'd like that" the older woman replied softly, causing Vera to smile again.

 

Making her way downstairs after having a shower, Joan already in the kitchen and making what was the very distinct aroma of coffee, fresh coffee, none of that 'fake' coffee in Joan's house, apparently it wasn't worthy of being called coffee.  
"Do I detect the aroma of coffee?" this comment enough to pull Joan's attention to the woman making her way towards the kitchen.  
"You wish me to supply you with an answer Vera?" raising her eyebrow in question to the other woman, this action alone causing a smile to appear on Vera's face, answering Joan's question instantly.  
Halfway through her mug of coffee, sitting at the dining table across from Joan there was a growl, a stomach growl, Vera's stomach, the younger woman looking to the source of the noise as her cheeks tinged pink, dipping her head.  
"Shall I make you some food, some well, breakfast I suppose you'd call it after being on a night shift" was the offer, the older woman pausing from drinking her coffee.  
"I'm not sure what I feel like eating, erm...toast? Do you have bread?" her cheeks now returned to a somewhat more normal skin colour and not as red.  
"Yes Vera, I have bread, even I have bread" starting to get up from her chair.  
"It's ok I can do it, you sit there and enjoy your coffee...if...if I'm okay to do it?" cursing herself for how it sounded as soon as she'd said it, but also knowing she knew how Joan felt about being neat and tidy.  
The older woman considered the question, the request, giving a nod of her head in permission, watching the younger woman rise from her chair and pad into the kitchen.  
Continuing to sip at the dark liquid in her cup, dark eyes were raised intermittently to the woman in her kitchen, yes she had someone else in her kitchen, allowing someone else to cook, well if you called it this and touch the equipment in her kitchen.

 

Usually this kind of thing would be totally out of the question.  
Totally and utterly out of the question.  
No one goes into my kitchen and touches anything, let alone makes some food for themselves.  
This is should be causing me to be feeling all manner of negative things.  
Anxious things.  
Uncomfortable things.  
Things I couldn't sit by and feel.  
Things that caused me to get up and get said person out of my kitchen, out of my space, away from me, so I can return the kitchen to how it should be.  
How I see fit.  
But I'm not.  
I feel strangely calm.  
Ok to sit here whilst she makes food.  
Just to watch her.  
The way she pads bare foot around the kitchen waiting for the toaster.  
Twirling the knife around in her fingers.  
That knife dwarfs her small hand.

 

Releasing her hand from around her cup, Joan silently pushed her chair out from under the table and got to her feet, padding over to the kitchen island and stopping, her eyes never once leaving the figure with her back towards her looking at the toaster.  
The dark haired woman glanced around her, not that there was anyone else in the house with them, but it seeming to be a habit that she check for anyone or anything else in the immediate vicinity of her, in her immediate space and surroundings.  
Confident they definitely were alone she continued her journey, brushing past the side of the kitchen island, her jumper catching the edge and making a slightly sound, this she was sure Vera had heard, but not giving any indication she had.  
With slightly quicker breathing she slowed her footsteps, each one getting her closer to where she felt herself being pulled to.  
And a pulling feeling it was.  
Like a magnet.  
Unable to help herself it seemed.  
Right now in this moment she was moving.  
Moving to where she felt she needed to be.  
Where she wanted to be.  
Where she felt she couldn't help but be.  
Then she was there, at her target, her arms raising from her sides only slightly, they didn't need to come up too high.  
Hands hovering over hips, shaking slightly, composing herself, another minute and then she was snaking her arms around Vera's waist, feeling the younger woman's back resting against her chest, one hand higher than the other on that toned, flat stomach of her deputy, her own tension slackening on feeling Vera's smaller arms on top of hers, feeling relaxed enough to close her eyes.  
Vera rested back against the embrace, smiling, her head finding it's place next to Joan's, the taller woman's chin on Vera's shoulder, cheek against cheek, enjoying being held by Joan, her blue eyes closing at the sensation.

 

This is exactly what I had in mind.  
What I wanted to do.  
What I felt I wanted to do.  
That I needed to do.  
I couldn't not when I saw her back turned in the kitchen.  
I couldn't not take this opportunity.  
To reach out.  
To hold her.  
Cuddle her.  
Have her close to me.  
Needing her close to me.  
Feel her body against mine.  
Wrap her up in my arms.  
Keep her safe.  
Keep her close.  
Feel her heartbeat against mine.  
Where it belongs.


	22. Chapter 22

Paperwork.  
Loads of it.  
Such an annoyance.  
I must spend half of my working week doing it.  
Or should that be life.  
Life definitely.  
Even on her day off she had work at home with her.  
Sat at the dining table, papers surrounding her laptop, in their own piles, organised into what was what.  
There's got to be a way to make this system work better, I thought we were in the technological age, the age that saved all this, obviously not.  
Putting her pen down Joan opened up the search window, her hands hovering over the keys, deliberating whether type it or not, sighing she let her fingers type out the words, scoffing to herself as she did.  
**How to woo a lady**.  
Then hit the search button, her screen filling with the various results, there were loads of them, pages.  
Immediately closing the lid of the laptop, her hand resting on the top.  
This is ridiculous.  
What am I even doing?  
Why am I even looking?  
What's the point?  
The one and only reason.  
Vera.  
That was the point.  
She was reason.  
She was cause.  
  
  
  
Sighing deeply she opened the lid again, the screen flickering back to life, clicking on the first link that looked like it might be remotely helpful.  
Her eyes scanned the page as she scrolled, taking in the information in front of her.  
Remind her of you.  
Spend time with her.  
Compliments and charm.  
Flowers or gifts.  
Text her.  
Offer your help.  
Be available.  
"What do some of these even mean?" frowning at some of the titles, clicking on the links to expand the explanation. Her fingertips traced her bottom lip as she read, brow furrowing a little in concentration.  
Ok I understand that part and that one.  
Surely you don't need to do all these things, a few will suffice.  
Flowers I've done.  
Spend time with her, yes, a few times.  
Maybe more of that?  
But what kind of thing to do.  
She seems to enjoy going out for food, but what else, something other people and her might consider to be fun.  
Fun.  
Now comes the difficult bit, deciding what might be fun.  
Do I know of such a concept?  
Do I even understand the idea of it?  
Or what might be agreeable to Vera.  
What she might like to do, where to go?  
Think Joan think. What would Vera like.  
What would she enjoy and find fun.  
Hmm. Think. Think. Think.  
Food? But not a meal out like before.  
Picnic. Beach picnic. Beach picnic together?  
That could work.  
Now to ask her.  
Text her? Phone her?  
Back to the page she looked, her eyes scanning the search results and spotting the word texting, how women like to be texted by the other party, the 'wooer'.  
With her phone open to write a message she took a pause, the cogs in her mind thinking about how she could word the offer to Vera, since she'd never asked anyone on this before, on a...date. Joan Ferguson was about to ask another woman out on another date.  
An actual date she'd planned.  
Her, herself.  
__**I just wondered if you'd be interested in coming out with me on Sunday afternoon, I took the liberty of checking your shift on the rota and saw that you've a half day and I'm not working this weekend, so I thought it'd make it more appropriate for you in general. Please let me know. Joan.**  
With her phone back on the table she closed the windows of her search down, not thinking they'd be needed anymore seen as she had a plan, a plan she hoped Vera would like too, back to paperwork she returned, only writing a few words and her phone signalled a message.  
From Vera.  
__**I'd be more than interested, yes please, I'd be delighted to come out with you. Looking forward to it :)**  
Joan couldn't help but smile to herself on the reply, typing back almost instantly.  
__**Thank you, I'll pick you up at 1:30pm from your house. Joan.**  
  
  
  
Pulling up outside the house the next day Joan pressed lightly on the horn signalling her arrival, watching almost instantly the front door opening and Vera stepping out, hair loose on her shoulders, a thin strapped summer dress and sandals on, carrying a matching bag, appropriate for the warm day it was, not a cloud appearing in the sky.  
Arriving at the destination Joan had chosen, the dark Lexus pulling into a patch of gravel that doubled up as a makeshift car park, a little parting of the bushes near to where they were parked, which seemed to have a path in the middle of it.  
"Shall we?" Joan offered, getting out of the car and moving to the boot, the younger woman following, watching the retrieval of a rather large wicker picnic hamper with a handle, glancing to Vera on feeling the eyes of the other woman on the basket. "Erm..this is part of the day" letting Vera walk onto the path first.  
On reaching the end of the clearing, the view opened out onto the sea and a little beach just below them, a path showing the way down, sand dunes offering some shelter and privacy, a single bench just further round over looking the other side of the bay, the afternoon sun beaming down, reflections all over the sea.  
"I thought we...that we could have a picnic on the beach, erm....just you and I, hence this" motioning to the basket.  
"This beach is so lovely, the whole place is, it's such a brilliant idea Joan" the older woman dipping her head shyly at the compliment.  
"Thank you" she mumbled quietly, leading Vera down onto the beach, setting the basket on the blanket she'd laid out, then picking a bottle of sun cream from the basket, looking to Vera who was already sat on said blanket.  
"What's that for?" Vera frowned seeing the bottle, she'd not even given a thought to sun cream, let alone bringing any along. Joan arched her eyebrow at the question. "I thought that might have been obvious. The sun is shining without a cloud in the sky, it's a rather warm day and you're wearing a dress that the sun could easily burn you in, therefore sun cream is needed" explaining what to her seemed a more than obvious answer, seems Vera though sun cream in the warm sun irrelevant.  
"I don't often put sun cream on, don't feel that I need it" taking in her lightly tanned forearms and then back at Joan.  
"You can still burn with a tan and I think caution is always better taken, especially in the sun" showing Vera the bottle again, watching the younger woman's reaction, Vera attempting to reason again, but Joan interrupting. "I wouldn't want...want your skin to get burnt that's all, but..." moving to put the bottle back in the basket, this being stopped by Vera's hand over her own. "You'll put some on too?" she asked, her eyes with Joan's.  
The older woman nodded yes.  
With a smile Vera slid the straps of her dress off her shoulders and moved her hair round to the side of her neck, her shoulders and back exposed, glancing back to Joan.  
Joan looked at Vera then back to the bottle in her hand, her brain then remembering what she was doing, squeezed some of the cream onto her fingers, dividing it between both hands, gently placing them on Vera's shoulders and working the cream over the bare skin, making sure all the area was covered, the excess on her hands she wiped onto a nearby towel. "Thank you" Vera smiled, turning to face Joan, picking up and squeezing some cream onto her fingers, watching and waiting as the older woman took her time to slightly nervously push the straps of her vest top off her shoulders, her hair being moved and then looking to Vera.  
Gently the younger woman massaged the cream into the fair skin of Joan's back and shoulders, the muscles under her hands relaxing at touch, relieving some of the tension they held.  
Her skin is so soft under my hands.  
It's like silk and so fair and flawless.  
Similar to that face of hers.  
With Joan laying out the food and drink she'd prepared for them, they both took turns in eating and drinking their way through it, Vera mumbling through a slightly full mouth at how delicious it was, the dark haired woman's cheeks blushing as she thanked her, glad that Vera was enjoying it, seeing as she herself had never done anything remotely like this before.  
Silence after their food at first, both of them content to sit side by side, looking out at the sea, happy just enjoying the view and company, Joan glancing to the woman beside her out of the corner of her eye, watching the way her pretty face glowed that bit more when she was relaxed, her sea blue eyes shining even more when the sun caught them. She's so beautiful and looks adorable in her summer dress.  
So pretty.  
And she's here with me.  
By my side.  
On a dare I say it...date with me.  
Another one.  
Jeez.  
  
  
  
After a few more minutes of silence Joan swallowed the nerves in her throat, flexing and curling her fingers, if she'd glanced to Vera once, she'd done it a thousand times, preparing herself, steadily herself, wanting to get the words out in one go and not stammer, for it to be clear, to be sure.  
Come on Joan.  
It's two words.  
No one else is around.  
Just you and her.  
She's here with you because she wants to be.  
Say it.  
Ask it.  
Ask her.  
"Come here?" Joan muttered softly, looking to the woman beside her, parting her legs so there was a space between them.  
Vera turned at the request, looking down at the space Joan had created, flashing the older woman a knowing smile on shuffling over and sitting in the newly made space in front of Joan, this smile widening when the gap behind was evaporated by the front of Joan touching her back, pulling the arms of the woman behind her tighter around her on feeling them snake around her waist, murmuring at the sensation.  
"This is nice" Vera commented leaning back into the embrace, resting her head back on Joan's shoulder, feeling Joan rest her cheek against her hair.  
"It is" she replied, the softness of Vera's hair amplified against the sensitive skin of her own cheek, breathing in the scent of her shampoo and closing her eyes.  
"I've not been to the beach in years, it's been that long I can't remember the exact time I was last at one. I used to go to the beach quite a bit when I was a little girl, there wasn't a lot of money in our house to allow for treats and so on, so taking a trip to the beach was the next best thing, it wasn't that far from our house and we'd spend all day there and we'd have such a lovely time, building sandcastles, splashing and swimming in the sea, we'd get ice creams too" smiling to herself at the memories, looking out at the vast sea in front of her.  
Listening to what was being said, Joan was silent for a few minutes afterwards, her mind wrestling with itself, toying with what she should say next and if she should actually say what was on the tip of her tongue, deciding after a short while it was safe enough and with the right person to do so.  
"I...I never visited the beach as a child, I..I erm...wasn't allowed" she admitted, having never spoken of anything to do with her childhood before.  
On hearing the admittance Vera squeezed the larger hands under hers reassuringly, knowing that for Joan to admit anything of a personal nature was something she never did lightly and took a lot more courage than the average person.  
"But you would have liked to hmm?" was the gentle question, wanting to know more but not forcing Joan to talk if she didn't feel comfortable enough to. She felt the breathing of Joan quickening as the woman behind her considered the question put to her for a few moments.  
Joan nodded against Vera's hair.  
"Yes, I....I'd....I'd watch other small children my age on my street through my bedroom window in summer, getting into cars with their parents, with buckets and spades and things, obviously off to the beach for the day, when I asked my father why we couldn't do what the other children did he said...." stumbling over her words, the memory of the past bringing a painful lump to her throat, the squeeze of Vera's hands over her own comforting and helping her to carry on speaking. "He said...said that I didn't deserve to go to the beach, that he didn't want to take me there, that he didn't want to spend time with me, that...that I was a nuisance to him" her voice quivering and starting to break. Vera's heart dropped on hearing Joan speak, wishing she could take all the pain this woman must have endured as a child away from her.  
How could he treat her this way she was just a little girl.  
An innocent little girl.  
She must have felt so alone and unloved.  
Her own father calling her a nuisance.  
Half turning her head Vera looked up into the emotional and shining brown eyes meeting hers, freeing one of her hands to cup Joan's cheek, brushing the skin with her thumb. "I'm sorry that you had to go through that, you shouldn't have ever have had to. I've loved every minute of being here with you, every single second, there's nowhere I'd rather be and definitely not with anyone else, just you. How about we come here together again, or maybe find other new beaches like this too, together?" her face curving into a smile with the nod of Joan, the pad of her thumb gently wiping away a stray tear that escaped and slid down the fair skinned cheek of the governor.  
"It's ok. For the record, I enjoy spending time with you rather a lot, and I like being close like this with you, a big lot actually. I'm very fond of you Joan, in case I'd not made that clear before" giving a shy giggle at how she must sound, her heart lifting on hearing a gentle chuckle from Joan, the brown eyes creasing at the sides as she smiled.  
Not waiting for permission, Vera leaned up to capture the older woman's lips in a long, deep kiss, pouring her feelings into it, Joan holding the younger woman close to her as they kissed, her own heart lifting and fluttering on the closeness between them.  
She seems to have such an effect on me.  
A calming effect.  
Makes me feel validated.  
Not stupid.  
Not belittled.  
Safe.  
I feel wanted.  
Wanted by her.  
Regaining her position behind Vera, Joan held her flush against her chest like they were one, kissing Vera's temple, resting her head against the one next to hers, looking out to the sea in front of them, smiling at how they were together.  
"I'm fond of you too" she whispered.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if this chapter is slightly longer than usual, I was thinking of splitting it into two but I thought it worked better as one longer one, hope you enjoy it! :)

With the kitchen pristine and sparkling, the equipment all lined up like preparation for a medical operation, knives next to the chopping boards ready to go.  
Both women at either end of the kitchen, each starting to cut the vegetables they had in front of them, an awkward silence between them both, Vera stealing glances at the woman nearby her.  
She didn't seem quite the same today.  
Something didn't seem right with her.  
It was off.  
She was off.  
Off with her.  
Since arriving to cook dinner together at Joan's house Vera hadn't got much conversation or communication at all, she'd greeted her at the door and then that had been pretty much it, nothing else.  
Now here they were stood in the kitchen, not a word between them, nothing, nothing but an atmosphere, a what was that, a tense atmosphere, not from Vera but from the dark haired woman not three feet away from her.  
"Is everything ok Joan? Vera started softly, her eyes on the chopping she was doing.  
"Yes fine" came the reply, straight to the point and somewhat blunt.  
"Are you sure, you don't seem yourself tonight, I just wondered if there was something bothering you?".  
"I'm fine" her words being followed by the louder sound of the blade of her knife hitting the chopping board beneath it.  
She's not fine.  
Something going on here.  
Something I'm not privy to.

 

Vera furrowed her brow in confusion, trying her best to work out what if anything could be the cause of this atmosphere.  
Turning her attention back to the board Vera resumed chopping, not long after she was met with a shadow floating over her work area.  
Joan.  
"They're not cut small enough, they're too big also" pointing to the ones she meant.  
"They've been cut as you asked me to do them, exactly as you asked me" looking up to the woman to the side of her.  
"No they've not, they're too big, that's not as I asked you to cut them Vera".  
Ceasing what she was doing Vera placed the knife down.  
"They're exactly as you asked me to do them Joan, those and those are exactly right" watching the older woman's jaw start to tighten.  
"Why can't you just accept you've done them wrong, that you've not done something right?!" replied the older woman, her voice raising.  
"I accept I've done things wrong when I actually have, not in any other circumstances".  
"You never take responsibility for anything do you Vera, hmm? Never step up to the plate, never take that onto your shoulders!".  
What in the holy hell is going on here.  
She's picking a fight over cutting vegetables.  
Really.  
Or am I missing something else here.  
Is this just a cover up.  
Crossing her arms at her chest Vera looked to the dark haired woman near her, raising her eyebrows.  
"Is that so?".  
"Yes it is, it's always someone else's fault, never yours. Why don't you for once Vera just admit you're wrong here, that you've not done what I asked you to do, seen as I am your boss and you're my deputy. I asked you to do something in a certain way and you've failed to do that!".  
Vera shook her head at the answer.  
"Don't you do that, don't you shake your head at me" clenching and then unclenching her fists, banging one down on the counter." Why can't you just do as you're told, just cut them properly!" her voice raising even further along with her temper.  
"Stop it Joan! Enough is enough, there's no need for this!" Vera's voice firm and blunt, her eyes not moving from the governor's.  
A swipe of her large hand and a couple of utensils were off the work surface and clattering on the floor, her brown eyes glaring at Vera, nostrils starting to flare.  
"There's every need for this when you don't do as you're fucking asked to do!"  
Here we go.

 

The knocking of things onto the floor.  
The flared nostrils.  
Voice raising even more.  
She's pushing me.  
Seeing where my limits are.  
She's scared by something.  
Thinks I'll walk away if she pushes hard enough.  
Gives me a reason to walk away.  
"Anything else?" the deputy's tone firm and to the point, trying not to inflame the already tense governor.  
Another swipe of her hand and the remaining utensils near Vera were knocked to the floor with ease.  
"Yes, you're annoying as hell, not doing as your told and then standing there with that stupid look over your face, crossing your arms like you are! If you'd just do the job I set you and do it properly then I wouldn't have to tell you off like this, not have to raise my voice! See this is what happens when people don't do as their told, this is exactly what happens! Look at you, take that look off your face, don't look at me like that!" another bang on countertop, the older woman wincing this time with the pain that she caused herself, eyes wide with bottled up emotion, not moving from the blue set looking at her.  
"What's this really about Joan, hm?".  
"How many fucking times do I have to say it to you, don't you ever listen to me?! Because you didn't do the fucking job I asked you to do, you failed, you didn't do it right! That clear enough for you!?" the hurt and pain glinting in her eyes on grabbing the nearby tumbler filled with water that Vera had been drinking from, gripping it in her hand she squeezed it tight, so tight it caused the glass under her fingers and palm to buckle under her strength, the material cracking and then shattering, this caused her to drop the remaining glass to the floor, hissing at the realisation that she'd cut herself, a slither of blood trickling down her palm.  
"See what's happened now, you've made me do this, it's all your fucking fault, all because you didn't do as your told, didn't do as I asked, didn't follow my instructions!" balling her fist to the stinging sensation in her hand.  
"I don't appreciate being spoken to in this way Joan, there's no need for it, I've done nothing but what you've asked me to do. I can give you space to calm down, and by space I mean just that, space. I'm not going to walk out and leave, I wouldn't do that to you, but I need you to know that I'm not prepared to put up with the aggressive tone and manner that you speak to me in, it's not right and I don't deserve it. So, I'm going to give you a chance to calm down and go to another room" her eyes not moving from Joan all the time she was addressing her, her tone confident but clear, not giving into and justifying Joan's outburst.  
Turning on her heels she moved past the counter where she'd been working, not getting very far before she heard a voice behind her.

 

"Please don't leave me...I...I....I'm sorry" Joan's tone seemingly lowered considerably from the last however long it had been of her shouting tirade and what was that Vera heard in her voice, a pleading, a quiver.  
Spinning back round she looked to the lone figure in the kitchen, the older woman now looking almost like a little girl, the way she stood with her injured hand open, big brown eyes shining as she trained them on Vera, then down to floor.  
Considering the request she'd just heard, Vera took a couple of steps towards Joan, not letting her eyes leave her governor's, who had now raised her eyes back to the other woman on the sound of footsteps.  
"I'm not leaving you, I told you this and I meant it. I just can't and won't put up with you speaking to me this way and being verbally aggressive, not when I've not done anything wrong" Vera replied, slightly softer than previously, but firm enough to get the message across to Joan.  
Joan's eyes searched Vera's for a sign that she was trying to deceive her, that she didn't mean any of what she'd said about not leaving her, but she didn't see any, not one.  
The dark haired woman nodded in acceptance.  
"So...would you like to talk about what all that was really about hmm?" another couple of steps to close the gap between them both.  
"I...I told...I told you.." stopping herself from finishing a sentence she knew they both knew wasn't true, especially Vera.  
Joan sighed deeply, closing her eyes, it was as if closing her eyes gave her the chance to compose herself in times like this, allowed her to gather her thoughts.  
Opening them again she saw the face of other woman still looking directly at her, watching, waiting, being patient.  
"It's ok, just take your time, I told you, I'm not going anywhere, we've got all the time in the world" she reassured her.  
Another breath to steady herself, to get her thoughts in some kind of order to vocalise them.  
"I...I get..I'm scared".  
"Scared of what?".  
Nostrils flaring softly, a gulp to swallow down the fear enough to speak.

 

"Of...of all of it, all of this, all this..." motioning between them both. "I...I don't...don't get close to people, never have, so this...with you, it's...it's a first for me. I feel, I feel....feel like I've exposed myself to you and that's something I've never done with anyone before" closing her eyes and pausing, taking a few breaths, her brown eyes being revealed once again."And I'm afraid, afraid that....that you will leave, that you'll not want me anymore, just like what usually happens, no one ever stays, no one ever wants me, everyone always leaves me" the quivering voice breaking, shining tears in her eyes breaking through the dam they'd created, cascading down her cheeks, a pained and frightened howl leaving her mouth.  
Closing the divide between them Vera gathered Joan in her arms, the older woman burying her face in the other woman's chest, her body racking with sobs, being that heavy they caused her legs to buckle, Vera keeping hold of her as she lowered them to sit on the kitchen floor, her back against the cabinets, Joan curled into her.  
God this woman.  
This poor woman.  
She's like a frightened little girl.  
All she's known is abandonment and pain.  
That she's not good enough.  
That people walk away from her.  
Leave her on her own.  
Don't think she's worth it.  
Been told she's not worth it.  
"Shhh it's all going to be alright, I've got you and I'll never leave you, I'm here Joan" Vera whispered soothingly, pulling the distraught woman into her more, stroking her fingers through her hair, feeling Joan grabbing fistfuls of her jumper like a little child would.  
What has happened to me tonight?  
I've shouted at her.  
Picked a fight over cutting vegetables.  
Shattered a glass with my bare hand.  
Nearly caused my hand some damage.  
And now her she is holding me whilst I sob.  
She's done what she said.  
She's still here.  
She's not left me just like she said she wouldn't despite all that I've said and done.  
Despite me pushing her.  
"I...I'm so sorry..." the dark haired woman managed through the sobs still wracking her body.  
"I know you are, I'm right here and going nowhere, and do you know why, because I don't have to, I've everything I want right here in my arms, that everything being you. I want you Joan, no one or nothing else but you" kissing the top of Joan's head, her fingers still gliding through the luscious dark locks she loved touching.  
Joan pulled again at Vera's jumper, her sobs having been reduced to sniffles on laying in the arms that made her feel secure, made her calm down, made her feel wanted, like she was worth something to someone.

 

Saying nothing she got up from the kitchen floor, helping the other woman up, taking her by the hand and leading her upstairs into her bedroom.  
Leaving the room in darkness except for a bedside lamp she slipped out of her loose fitting lounge pants and t shirt, slipping under the covers, her eyes asking for Vera to join her, which the other woman did willing.  
With the younger woman in bed next to her, Joan shuffled more into the middle, pulling Vera on top of her, Vera gasping on realising they were skin on skin, her eyes with Joan's, brushing a stray lock of her hair out of her face, gazing into her eyes.  
Then Joan's hands were cupping her cheeks pulling their faces together, moulding their lips, tongues in each other's other mouths, hungry kisses, wet ones.  
Vera slipped her hands between their bodies, trailing her hands down Joan's sides then back up again, ghosting a hand beside each of Joan's breasts.  
"Can I please?" asking permission to touch her, wanting this before she did anything.  
Joan nodded.  
Small hands moved over her nipples, palming the delicate skin, cupping, massaging, the younger woman's attention completely focused on what she was doing, as if she was being opened up to a whole new world, gasping softly at the feel of the soft and heavy breasts under her hands, at how nice they felt, how full.  
Joan's arms moved around the woman on top of her, suddenly flipping them over, kisses onto Vera's throat, this simple action causing Vera to close her eyes and move her neck to allow the older woman more access, hands trailing through dark locks, holding her to her more.  
Next these lips were on her breasts, around them, over them, sucking on her nipples, making them hard, stand to attention.  
They pepper down her toned stomach onto and along her hips, causing them to buck at the sensation, her back arching, groaning softly on feeling between her thighs start to flood. This becoming something she couldn't hold back much longer as the kisses moved to her inner thighs, breath tickling over the place she needed Joan.  
"J..Joan,p...please" she panted softly, this reaction causing the older woman to half smile to herself at Vera asking for her to do something to her.  
"Hmm?".  
"P...Please, I..need" she groaned, the ache even more so between her legs.  
Then a louder groan mixed with a moan on feeling the first swipe of Joan's tongue over her clit, her hips jerking on the contact.  
Gaining more confidence that Vera was enjoying it, Joan settled between the younger woman's thighs, working her tongue in various directions, using different pressures over the now rock hard pearl under her control.  
With the wetness coating her tongue, Joan slipped one then two fingers inside Vera, groaning on hearing the other woman groan on being filled, her digits moving in a steady rhythm to match what she was doing against the clit under her spell.  
Gripping the dark locks under her fingers, her hips undulating into the older woman's face she felt her body start to tense, to heat up, the sweat glittering over her torso, breathing become that bit more ragged, never had she felt this before, this pleasure fizzing through her, it building and building, noises of this pleasure leaving her lips in incoherent moans.

 

"Joan..I'm.." her moans filling in the gaps, her core contracting around the long fingers inside her, her release flooding Joan's hand, a throbbing clit against her tongue.  
With the woman underneath her starting to calm down and regain her breath after a few long minutes, Joan slid back up Vera's body to lie next to her on her side, watching her still recovering, eyes wandering over the younger woman's flushed face.  
If she could be any more beautiful, glowing then it's now, led here right now next to me after just letting me do that to her, be that close to her.  
Turning her head Vera looked at Joan.  
"N..No one has ever made me feel like that, ever" her breathing calmed enough for speak, eyes not moving from Joan, the older woman dipping her head shyly at the compliment.  
"I'd like to do that to you, make you feel that way" Vera whispered, Joan's head snapping up, her eyes widening in what was that fright, panic?  
"N...No I don't think...think so.." she stuttered, her heartbeat quickening on the offer.  
Vera cupped her cheek. "But why, what's the matter with me wanting to do that hmm?" brushing her thumb on the soft, pale skin underneath it.  
"I don't...can't...can't..not..not that, no, I can't.." still stuttering words and not full sentences, her head swimming with fear.  
"Shhh, are you, are you afraid Joan?".  
Joan swallowed, nostrils lightly flared, not answering and averting her eyes.  
Vera shuffled close to her, still stroking her cheek.  
I know she is, her silence tells me her answer.  
But I don't want her to be.  
I want to be able to offer her and give her the pleasure she gave me.  
"It's ok to be afraid Joan, it doesn't make you any less of a person, no less of a woman. I just want to be able to touch you, to make you feel good. I would go very slowly, as slow as you'd like me to and if you don't like any of what I'm doing to you, if it's uncomfortable or you feel uncomfortable for any reason then I'll stop, stop right away, I promise".  
"I don't...I just...".  
"Do you trust me Joan?" raising Joan's eyes to her own on asking the question.  
That word she's using.  
That infamous word.  
The word that has been such a sketchy part of my life.  
Something I've not experienced for such a long time if ever.  
Trust.  
She deliberated for a few minutes.  
Looking deep into Vera's eyes.  
Getting lost in the blue.  
Sea blue.  
Vera blue.

 

"Y...Yes".  
"And I trust you, I trust you that much I knew that what you'd do to me wouldn't hurt me, that I'd like it and I know I could have told you to stop and you would, because I trust you. Please trust me to do the same, I'd never hurt you, I couldn't" her voice pleading softly with the woman next to her.  
She's never hurt me yet, even with everything we've been through.  
My shouting.  
My throwing.  
My destruction.  
She's stayed.  
Not left.  
Stuck by me.  
Never hurt me.  
As she said she wouldn't.  
Joan nodded. "O...ok" closing her eyes after Vera smiled softly, kissing her cheek.  
The younger woman guided Joan onto her back, slowly kissing her way over her neck and then down Joan's chest, taking her time in giving each breast gentle attention, loving the feel of the older woman's nipples standing up in their arousal at her touch, a quiet noise leaving Joan's mouth, continuing down and leaving no patch of skin un kissed, loving the feeling of how soft the skin on every part of Joan's body was, this pace slowing on reaching her thighs.  
"Remember I'll stop at any time, I promise" Vera said, her lips gliding up and down the long and strong thighs underneath her, moving her attention to the place she had dreamt of being for so long but didn't ever think she'd get the chance.  
Placing a solitary kiss on the dark, soft curls between Joan's thighs, liking the feel of them under her lips, Joan gasped softly at the feeling, repeating her action Vera gained the same positive reaction, her hands massaging the thighs at either side of her head.  
That feeling of her kissing me there, I've never had anyone kiss me there before.  
Never.  
Never let anyone get close enough too.  
Taking a quick look up before going any further, Vera smiled on seeing the older woman with her head back on the pillow, eyes closed, enjoying her kisses, a small rock of her hips near Vera's face.  
A light swipe of her tongue across the pink bud appearing from its shelter caused a grunt mixed with a moan from Joan, hips jerking at the action, wet arousal on Vera's tongue.  
I shouldn't, shouldn't be allowing or liking this but I am.  
She's making me wet.  
Making me feel something I've never felt before.  
Never in my life.

 

With her hands stroking over the slightly rounded belly above her head, Vera continued the actions she'd got a reaction from, her strokes getting that bit harder and faster on not hearing any objections from the older woman.  
Then it was happening.  
The tensing in my body.  
My breathing getting more rapid followed by my heart.  
The flood of warmth to my chest, my lower body.  
My hips bucking to the face between my legs, the tongue against me.  
A fizzing feeling taking over.  
My hands gripping the curls beneath my fingers.  
Muttering noises and the odd grunt into the air around me.  
My back arching.  
A feeling I can't control.  
That I didn't want to control.  
It had taken over me.  
I cried out into the darkness as the wave crashed over me.  
Wetness trickling down each cheek, my eyes tightly shut.  
"It's ok Joan, I'm here" were the comforting words whispered not long after Vera had heard and felt the woman in her arms cry out a grunt of pleasure, her orgasm being felt on her tongue, then looking up she'd seen the tears, tears glinting silver on the fair skinned governor's cheeks, emotional tears, tears of release in every which way, tears that had been bottled up for decades, never acknowledged or acted upon.  
After her breathing had slowed and calmed, Joan sniffed and opened her eyes, the saturated lashes pulling apart to reveal the shining brown orbs underneath them, these eyes studying Vera's face.  
"You are so beautiful and I'm so lucky, do you know that?" Vera whispered down to the older woman curled into her, a gentle kiss to each tear stained cheek.  
"No one...has ever...before" Joan managed to vocalise, looking straight back at Vera.  
"That makes this an honour for me then, a privilege, thank you" her eyes conveying the truth in every word.  
Joan shook her head. "Thank you" she whispered, nuzzling her face into Vera's neck, feeling the smaller woman's arms squeeze her close and kiss her hair.  
Lazily brushing her fingers over the small of Joan's back as they led together Vera looked down on feeling the body in her arms become heavier, watching the older woman sleep soundly in her arms, her chest rising and falling slowly, steadily breathing, her face relaxed without an inch of stress or tension, this scene alone caused Vera to smile to herself.  
Look at her.  
Just look at her.  
She's so so beautiful.  
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.  
I'm so lucky.  
And to get to be this close, this intimate with her.  
For her to give me this level of trust with her.  
It's mind blowing, it's on another level.  
Just like she is.  
"I love you" came the tender whisper after a kiss was placed on the sleeping woman's forehead, Vera closing her eyes and joining Joan in sleep.


	24. Chapter 24

"I don't know Vera" Joan replied, laying in bed with the younger woman the following morning, both on their sides looking at each other.  
"But why it'll be fun, the sun is out, it's a warm day, we're both off work, it's not right in the middle of the city.." she gave back, wanting to go to the fair come festival that she'd heard about, thinking it'd be something fun and nice for them both to do together on their weekend off, something they didn't seem to get very often.  
"Things of this nature are something that I don't consider to be fun Vera, they're merely noisy, hot and unpleasant".  
Vera rolled her eyes lightly expecting this kind of response from the older woman.  
"Have you been to one of them before?".  
"No, but that's irrelevant, I've seen pictures of them, heard the noise from miles away" she gave back, thinking back to the last time she'd heard about the carnival in town some years ago, the fuss it created.  
"Then come to one with me, let me show you how fun they are, that you can enjoy them, we can enjoy them, let's go together! Please Joan, please can we go, please!" fluttering her blue eyes, pouting softly before these blue eyes turned into big puppy dog eyes.  
Brown eyes studied the face close to her, the way her pink lips pouted, the light shining off those big blue eyes, the eyes that seemed to have grown in the last few minutes, the eyes she loved looking into, couldn't not look into.  
Joan sighed under the gaze of Vera.  
"Ok, but if it's not pleasant then we're not stopping a minute longer" suddenly having Vera closing the gap between them, her arms around Joan's neck in a hug.  
"Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's going to be so much fun!" she squeaked excitedly, smiling widely.

 

After showering and then getting changed, they ate breakfast and drank coffee in a peaceful silence, both getting into Joan's car and heading to the nearby fair, Vera had suggested this one seen as it had a mix of food and drink stalls, home made things to buy, as well as the usual games to play, rides to go on and various fair food to eat and drink.  
Joan's eyes wandered over the lights and sounds before them as she stood at the entrance, Vera at her side.  
What on earth have I agreed to here.  
All these lights, noises, smells, people.  
How is this going to be enjoyable and what's that word.  
Fun.  
How is this fun exactly, please tell me how?  
"Come on Joan" Vera pulling gently on her arm, leading her through the main archway and into the fair, a roll of the eyes from the older woman.  
People actually like it here.  
Look at them all.  
All talking, laughing, making noise.  
Children with balloons, running around.  
Eyes wandering around her surroundings, landing on the various games lining the walkways.  
"Are they actually clean?" she asked out loud to Vera, frowning as she looked closer at them as they walked.  
"Huh?" looking where Joan was looking. "Yes they are, they're fine Joan".  
"But all these people have their hands on them and how do you know they've washed their hands before touching them?".  
Vera stopped walking, which made Joan do the same. "Joan, they're fine".  
"Hmm" seemingly unconvinced, her cleanliness need seemingly heightened in the current environment.  
"Come on, let me show you how much fun it is here, come on, please?" gently holding Joan's hand.  
"Very well, but I'm still not sure the word fun is appropriate".  
They'd been walking around the various stalls that were just off to the side of the rides and games, the older woman seemed to find some interest in the home made items that the various vendors were selling, Vera then leading them back to the main body of the fair, the midday sun shining high in the sky, the younger woman babbling with excitement as they made their way to the rides, but only after she'd decided she was hungry and wanted a hotdog, some of the red sauce escaping from the sausage and ending up dribbling onto her chin, much to the distaste of Joan, the older woman insistent that she didn't want to try some thank you very much, all that processed food, no thank you.  
"This is going to be so good, are you sure you don't want to come on?!" Vera said her eyes lighting up as she queued for one of the bigger roller coasters, Joan standing outside the line, talking to her.  
"No thank you, I'm perfectly happy here, with your...your things" things being the various half eaten sweet treats Vera had bought, adamant that they were nice and she'd not had them in years, hence her buying nearly one of whichever childhood favourites she'd seen, Joan thinking merely of all the E numbers and sugar they contained, and these things flowing through your body as you ate them.

 

"Joan! Joan!" Vera beamed, waving to her from the carriage she had not long sat it, strapped in and ready to go.  
Watching her sat there, so excited, so happy, so bubbly, looking straight at her, Joan couldn't help but crack a smile, a smile that reached her eyes, lightly shaking her head in amusement.  
Look at her sat there all excited like a child.  
Her face all lit up and happy, smiley.  
She's adorable, she really is.  
I so enjoy seeing her like this.  
Gives me a funny feeling inside.  
"But you might like it, you might, why don't you just try a little bit? Only a little bit, please, it's nice" Vera said, not long after coming off another ride, holding the bag of candy floss open for Joan.  
Joan screwed her face slightly as she looked at the contents of the bag and then at Vera, who was now hopefully gazing at the older woman.  
"Please?" her blue eyes seeming even bigger in the sun, pleading with Joan.  
How is that possible for her eyes to be that big, to grow that big.  
Gazing straight at me.  
Pleading.  
The older woman sighed lightly, unable it seemed to resist the deputy before her.  
"Ok, ok I'll try it, but only a little bit, and if I don't like it, well then you'll know" pulling a bit of the fluffy substance from the bag, it sticking to her fingers as she studied it, smelt it, felt it, then tentatively put it to her lips, tasting it.  
Vera watched her closely, seeing her features soften that bit more as she continued to taste the remaining piece of it in her hand, finishing it all.  
"Well, what do you think?" she asked hopefully.  
Joan nodded as she considered her answer.  
"I have to say Vera, it's not bad at all, not as unpleasant as I thought it would be" seeing the smile spread across the face of her deputy.  
"See! I knew you'd like it!" Vera replied, delighted she'd got Joan to try some and that she didn't mind it.

 

Making their way around the game stalls, Vera suddenly walked ahead, something catching her eye.  
"Look Joan look! Look at that giant teddy bear! Oh you could easily do that, you could easily win one! Please Joan, please have a go, you could do it, you could!" She said unable to stand still in front of the taller woman as she spoke, almost like a giddy little girl, her attention torn between the prize and Joan, desperate for the governor to put her out of her misery.  
"Would you like a go?" the man behind the stall asked Joan.  
Joan considered her answer for a moment, seeing what was involved and weighing up her chances, then looking down at Vera who'd not moved her eyes from her.  
I like a challenge.  
How hard can it be.  
Plus it's not for me.  
It's for her.  
For Vera.  
"Yes ok then, I'll have a go, I have to shoot three of the moving ducks and I can win one of the big teddy bears?" the man nodded confirming that what she said was right.  
Picking up the rifle Joan steadied herself hearing the noises of the game starting, the clank of the machine whirring, moving the ducks into her eye line.  
With fingers curled around the barrel at the front, one eye closed, her other hand poised on the trigger she began shooting.  
One down.  
Two down.  
Missed.  
Three down.  
Mission complete.  
Not a bad shot even if I do say so myself.  
"That's three ducks down, which bear would you like?" he said watching the dark haired woman turn to Vera.  
"It's not up to me, it's up to you" Joan said to a delighted Vera who now stood at her side, jumping up and down, pointing to the one she wanted, namely the brown fluffy bear with a pink bow tie, covered in white polka dots. Having the bear handed to her she wrapped both her arms around it, the soft toy almost dwarfing the small woman, making a happy squealing sound on cuddling it to her.  
"Thank you Joan, thank you, he's so soft!!" this reaction causing Joan to chuckle, smiling at how happy Vera was, she being the cause of it due to winning her the bear.

 

"Joan?".  
"Yes?".  
"I know you don't like the other rides but would you come on the ferris wheel with me, I....I get a bit scared and don't want to go on on my own, but I'd go on with you" smiling up at the older woman, stopping by the queue of people waiting for said ride.  
Joan looked up at the wheel and then back down to Vera.  
"Yes ok then, let's go on together" feeling ok about going on this particular ride compared to the rest of them.  
Taking their places on one of the seats inside the passenger capsule, the attendant closed and clicked the door shut, by which time the wheel started moving, the younger woman letting out a hitching breath in fright, immediately shuffling into Joan's side, wrapping her arms around the older woman.  
"It's ok, you've no need to be afraid, I...I'm here" she soothed, mirroring Vera's action and putting her longer arms around her, kissing her hair.  
That's the thing.  
With her strong arms around me I don't feel afraid.  
I feel safe.  
Feel protected.  
Like nothing or no one can hurt me.  
She's my safety.  
My protection.  
My one.  
"I never feel afraid when I'm with you, I feel safe, feel wanted, feel protected" Vera whispered, their eyes together.  
Joan smiled at the words. "I'm glad, I'd never let anyone hurt you".  
"Just like I'd not with you".  
Leaning down Joan cupped Vera's cheek, pressing their lips together, swiping her tongue along Vera's lower lip causing the younger woman to groan and join their tongues together in her hot mouth, her hands moving to Joan's neck, stroking the nape as they kissed, loving hearing the murmurs of enjoyment from Joan.  
"You're so beautiful, I'm so lucky, I couldn't imagine not being with you" Vera whispered against her lips, Joan pulling back a little on the feel of wetness against her own cheeks, a tearful Vera looking back at her.  
"Hey now, what's this, what's the matter?" concern for the other woman across her features.  
"I..I just...just, wouldn't want you to leave me, for me to lose you" sniffing her tears and her lip quivering as she never looked away.  
I couldn't bare to lose her, for her to leave me.  
She means everything to me.  
Everything.  
I don't want anyone else but her.  
There's no one like her.  
No one else I want.  
Ever.  
I love her.  
"Listen to me, listen, that won't happen, I won't leave and you won't lose me" moving her lips to Vera's ear to whisper. "I wouldn't win or want to win giant bears with bow ties on for anyone else" her heart lifting on hearing Vera giggle, sitting back to hold the other woman's face in her hands, a wide smile in place of the once quivering lip.  
"That's better, that smile is much better" Joan said, her thumbs soothing against Vera's cheeks, letting go so she could cuddle up with her again.

 

Getting out of the capsule, Joan allowing Vera out first, passing her the teddy bear and then following out last, she felt the brush of the younger woman's hand against her own, smaller fingers trying to link with hers, with a small smile to herself she joined them, hands linked as they walked back to the car.  
"Thank you for a lovely day Vera, I've enjoyed myself" settling back into the driver's seat, Vera next to her, the giant bear taking its place in one of the back seats.  
"No thank you Joan, I've had fun myself, it's been nice" grinning happily across at Joan, the older woman allowing herself another few minutes to look at her face before pulling out towards the road, to Vera's house.  
"Well, thank you again Joan" unclipping her seat belt, turning to face Joan.  
"I didn't....didn't bring you home just to drop you off" watching Vera's frown deepen in confusion at why she'd been brought home.  
"I don't understand, why are we here then outside my house if you didn't intend to drop me off?".  
Joan unclipped her own belt so she could turn more to face Vera, clenching then unclenching her fists.  
Here goes nothing Joan.  
"I was thinking maybe....maybe you'd like to pack a few things into....into a bag and...and stay in my house for a night or two, with me if...if you'd like, I understand if you don't or..." her sentence being cut short by a pair of lips being pressed to hers in a soft kiss.  
"I'd love to, I'll just go and get some of my things, I won't be long" pecking Joan's lips again, adding. "Don't move I'll be right back".  
Quickly getting out of the car and making her way up to her house, letting out a squeal of excitement on moving through the front door, this squeal enticing a chuckle from Joan along with a happy grin.  
"I'm not moving Vera, I'm not moving anywhere, only unless you ask me to, and I'm praying to something, anything that you don't, because....because for the first time in my life I'm starting to feel at home" Joan said to herself in the car, watching the figure of her deputy move around the living room of her home then disappear from view upstairs, her eyes glancing into the rear view mirror and train on the bear with the bow tie sat on the back seat, a wide smile spreading over her face, all the way to her eyes.


	25. Chapter 25

"What?" Vera frowned on coming down stairs, looking down at herself on seeing Joan looking at her from the kitchen.  
"What are those?" pointing to the small fluffy things on Vera's feet.  
"They're my socks, my fluffy socks, they keep my feet warm".  
"Are you sure they're socks judging by how fluffy they are I can't actually tell" Joan teased.  
Vera narrowed her eyes and put her hands on her hips, sliding across the shiny floor to the older woman.  
"Are you teasing me about my socks, Joan?" biting her tongue so she wouldn't smile.  
Joan glanced down at the woman in front of her.  
"I might be" giving her a soft smirk.  
"That's not very nice" she said pouting.  
Joan chuckled at the action. "Awww now this isn't a very happy face is it, but maybe, maybe I can make it a happier one" leaning down so their faces were on level, kissing the corners of Vera's pout, once, twice, not needing a third time, the younger woman's resolve dissolving and being replaced by a wide smile and a fit of giggles.  
"What was that you were saying Vera?" kissing a spot just underneath Vera's ear, her own grin widening that bit more, if that was actually possible, on hearing the giggles erupt that bit louder, the sound lifting her heart, enjoying the sound and the fact she was the cause of it making it even better.  
"Oh Joan stop, please.." managing to vocalise these words between giggles, Joan kissing her a couple of times more before ceasing, allowing the younger woman to catch her breath.

 

Oh how those giggles lift my heart.  
They do something to me.  
Something inside.  
Just the sound of them.  
The sound she makes when she giggles.  
No one else does it like she does.  
"My tummy hurts, cheeky" gently swatting Joan's forearm, a beaming smile being flashed to the governor, lifting herself up on the balls of her feet to place a kiss on Joan's chin, this action tilting the dark haired woman's face down, Vera unable to help herself kiss the governor flush on the lips, to wind her arms around that strong neck, deepening their kiss.  
"Hmm" Joan murmured, smiling against Vera's lips, pulling her deputy against her. "I don't think you understand how beautiful you are" she whispered.  
Vera smiled shyly against the kiss, stroking her hands down the length of Joan's back, the action making said woman shiver.  
Lifting Vera up under her bum, she carried her over to her sofa, carefully laying the smaller woman down and then lowering herself over the top, propping herself on her forearms either side of her head, fingers stroking through the light brown waves fanned out over the dark of the sofa like a halo.  
Look at her.  
She's like an angel.  
My angel.  
She's perfect.  
So perfect.

 

Laying on her back Vera was silent, watching the older woman simply gaze at her, she felt at that moment like she was a piece of art that was being admired, looked at in wonderment, adored.  
Joan scoffed and lightly shook her head, a little smile on her lips.  
"What?" Vera asked in a whisper.  
"What, what? Just look at you, you're....you're...you're indescribable, words fail me, fail me in describing the different facets and qualities that you possess. You're just...just...just...an angel" looking on at seeing the blush creep up Vera's cheek. "It's true" leaning down and brushing her nose to Vera's, their eyes mere millimetres apart, unable it seemed to avert her eyes from the woman underneath her.  
"Well I happen to think that you're stunning" Vera said, brushing her nose to Joan's, trailing her hands down to rest at the waistband of Joan's loose fitting black lounge pants, her fingers dipping underneath to brush against the soft skin, trailing a path round from her back to her tummy, watching as Joan raised her eyebrows.  
"Any objections?" Vera asked, still stroking her skin, keeping her eyes on Joan.  
Joan couldn't help but see the glint in Vera's eye, the obvious want to touch her, something she'd never seen or felt from anyone else before.  
She shook her head no.  
"No" before being pulled down on top of the younger woman, surprised at Vera's strength, as she turned them over so now it was Joan laying on her back on the sofa, having her throat and neck peppered with kisses.  
"You.Are.Gorgeous" were the words spoken with emphasis on each one, her t shirt being pushed up her body revealing her breasts, Vera immediately moving her kisses over each one, smiling against the soft skin on hearing Joan murmur softly at her actions, these murmurs turning in moans as she slid down the long torso of the dark haired woman, reaching the waist band again, looking up to see Joan looking down at her, her chest heaving that bit more.  
"P...Please" this solitary word enough and all the encouragement Vera needed to peel Joan's pants and knickers off her long, smooth legs , the fingertips of the woman between said legs making contact with them every inch of the way down, relishing how smooth they felt.  
No words were needed, only moans were heard from the writhing woman led on the sofa, Vera's rhythm steady and persistent as her tongue traced patterns and then honed in on one particular sweet spot on the now diamond hard bundle of nerves at her mercy, collecting some of Joan's arousal, gliding it up to and then over her clit, applying that little bit more pressure, enticing a louder grunt mixed with a pleasurable moan from the older woman, large hands threading through and gripping curls, her hips grinding into Vera's face, then her thighs tightened around her head, her body tensing, back arching off the sofa.

 

How does she do this to me.  
She knows exactly what I like, where I like it.  
How I like it.  
She knows me and my body.  
And she's opened something to me that I didn't think I could ever have.  
To be this close, this intimate, feel this good.  
This much pleasure.  
A final couple of brushes of Vera's tongue pushed Joan over the edge, a full-throated moan of pleasure leaving her lips, the name of the woman who'd brought her so much pleasure joining along with this moan, the sound of the woman she loved climaxing under her tongue, making Vera groan with pleasure also.  
Listening to Joan panting as she recovered her breathing, Vera slid back up the long body of the governor laying on top of her, stroking her fingers through the dark tresses fanned out against the sofa underneath them, watching the brown eyes be revealed to her.  
"So gorgeous.." moving her lips to Joan's ear, huskily whispering "not to mention sexy" feeling Joan's shyness at her words, her eyes reflecting this.  
Saying nothing Joan leant up to kiss Vera pulling her against her. "You are.." one of her hands moving between their bodies, into Vera's lounge pants and knickers, feeling her arousal immediately on her fingers, causing a groan from both of them, this developing into a moan from Vera on feeling herself being filled by two of Joan's dexterous fingers, her hips instantaneously riding them, a louder moan on feeling the tips of the fingers inside her touch her sweet spot.  
Parting from the kiss to take in some more air, Vera put her hands on Joan's shoulders for leverage as she rode her fingers, giving the dark haired woman a close up view of her face as it flushed and her forehead beaded with sweat, lips slightly parted, the pleasure she was giving the woman who meant so much to her.  
Look at her, look how beautiful she is.  
Riding my hand above me.  
I'm so lucky to be here being able to this to her.  
Her allow me to do this to her.  
She's sexy and so beautiful.  
She's perfect.  
Just perfect.

 

Hearing the moans and feeling Vera's hot core contract and close around her fingers caused Joan to groan again, doubling her efforts and increasing the pace of her fingers, her thumb sweeping a rhythm that matched her fingers, this extra pace causing Vera to come apart above her, loudly calling Joan's name as she flooded her hand, leaning forward to slump on top of the older woman, her heart beating rapidly, along with her heavy breathing.  
Withdrawing her hand from Vera, she placed it along with her other hand on the small of her back.  
"Are you ok?" Joan said softly, wanting to make sure she'd not hurt the younger woman at all.  
Vera lifted her head a satisfied smile on her face. "V...Very ok" her breathing having calmed enough for her to speak.  
Joan smiled at Vera's smile, the answer that she was ok settling the older woman down inside, cuddling Vera close to her, kissing the top of her head, inhaling the smell of her shampoo.  
"I'm always ok when I'm with you" Vera offered, stroking her hands down Joan's bare sides, loving how soft the skin was, getting a squeeze from Joan.  
Lifting her head up she rested her chin on Joan's chest, gazing at the older woman as she traced her fingers over her face, like her eyes were committing every feature to memory.  
"M..My Joan?" Vera said, a bit tentatively, unsure how Joan would react and not wanting to push anything.  
She just said that.  
Called me hers.  
Asking if I'm hers.  
Almost if I'd like to be hers.  
Someone wants me to be theirs and not just anyone.  
Her.  
She does.  
She wants me.  
Despite of knowing what she does and how I've acted she wants me.  
It's scary and nice in equal measures.  
The woman who seems to understand me actually wants me.  
No one else, she wants me.  
Me.

 

Carefully studying the blue eyes a hairs breath from hers, Joan let herself get lost in them for a moment, before nodding her head.  
"M..My..." A pause. "My Vera?" she whispered, the woman in front of her nodding almost as soon as the words had left her lips.  
"Always" Vera said back, confident and sure, this single word causing the lips of the governor to curve into a smile, a happy smile, the younger woman leaning forward to capture these lips in hers.  
I'll always be hers as long as she'll have me.  
I wouldn't want to be anyone else's.  
Never have I wanted anyone else so much before.  
Yes she's got flaws but everyone has.  
They're just another part of her that makes me love her more.  
If that's possible.  
She's just perfect to me.  
Perfect for me.  
My Joan.


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your wonderful comments and for reading, it makes me so happy to know you're all enjoying it! :D

Reaching her arm across in her sleep Joan felt nothing.  
No figure there.  
The other side of the bed was empty.  
Empty.  
Sleepily opening her eyes she checked.  
Nope no figure.  
It was definitely empty, the duvet pulled back and left, like when someone gets out of bed.  
Glancing around the bedroom her heart calmed down slightly on seeing Vera's overnight bag on the floor beside the wall in the corner.  
She was still here then.  
She'd not left.  
She's not in the en suite, so where is she?  
Is she ok?  
Swinging her long legs out of the bed Joan got to her feet, pulling on a fresh pair of knickers and a thigh length camisole over the top, rubbing her eyes she moved across to the door and stepped onto the landing, frowning on hearing noise downstairs, it sounded like it was coming from the kitchen, wait noise....music.  
I can hear music.  
Music from my radio, but not what I usually have on.  
It's been changed.  
Another station.

 

Padding across the landing she started down the stairs, the noise getting louder as she went, her nose detecting the smell of cooking.  
Cooking and and....singing.  
What on earth is happening?  
Reaching the bottom of the stairs she heard noise.  
Noise coming rather loudly from her radio.  
Not what she usually listened to at all.  
Moving quietly she rounded the corner, leaning against the wall and watching the sight before her.  
Vera was singing softly along to the radio, a station and music Joan didn't recognise at all, it was far too fast and loud, Vera moving to the rhythm, cooking something at the stove, the older woman not quite able to see what it was, two plates on the work surface ready for the food.  
"Erm, what is going on and what is that noise?" Joan said, the sudden voice making Vera jump having been that engrossed in what she was doing.  
"Oh erm...erm.." being caught off guard by the older woman behind her.  
"What is that noise?" she frowned.  
"Music...pop music" looking to the radio and then back to Joan, who'd arched one of her eyebrows.  
"You changed the station?".  
"Yes...you were asleep I just thought.." sensing slight irritation in the older woman, glancing back to the music as another song came on that Vera recognised and liked. "I'm sorry" her eyes relaying her apology.  
Joan looked between the woman and the radio, the music starting again.  
She actually likes this.  
This...this noise.  
It's rather different to what I listen to but I've heard worse I suppose.  
Look at her stood there, those blue eyes looking worried and sorry.  
She thinks she's made a big mistake, that she's done something really wrong.  
We all like different things I guess.  
As is the case here.  
And it's Vera.  
No one else changed it but her.

 

"It's alright" Joan replied, a soft smile on her face, seeing Vera return it. "What are you cooking?" her height allowing her eyes to wander towards where Vera had been working.  
"It was meant to be a little surprise for you.." stepping to the side to show the older woman what she was making.  
There were eggs that had been poached resting in a dish and ready to be sat astride the English muffins that had just emerged from the toaster, the bacon that had clearly not long been taken from the oven and hollandaise sauce in a separate bowl.  
"Is that homemade?" Joan asked pointing to the sauce, to which Vera nodded yes.  
"Yes it is, I made it myself" smiling at seeing Joan's reaction, a look of being impressed at the younger woman's culinary skills.  
"I must say I'm impressed by your skills in the kitchen" Joan said, leaning against the counter and watching as Vera started plating the food she'd made, half turning back to the older woman.  
"Go on, back up to bed, I'll bring it up for us" smiling and a little surprised on Joan doing as she was asked, padding back to and then up the stairs, but not before she'd pecked Vera on the lips, unable to resist.  
"Here we go" Vera said a few minutes later, a tray with both nicely presented plates of food on, Joan's face lighting up on seeing her.  
Putting the tray on Joan's lap, who was sat up in bed she then got in next to her and put her own plate on her knee, starting to eat her food along with Joan who'd already started.  
Approving murmurs were heard from the dark haired governor as she ate, Vera watching her out of the corner of her eye briefly, finishing her own food.  
"How was it?" her cutlery down on her plate, turning to look at Joan.  
"Very nice thank you Vera, you're quite the breakfast maker" flashing her a grateful smile, watching the younger woman smile back happily. "What would you like to do today?".  
Vera thought for a minute, her eyes glancing around the spotless bedroom, settling on the wide screen TV and then back to the woman next to her.  
"Maybe, maybe we could watch a show together?".  
"What kind of show?" she enquired to the younger woman, not sure what she was going to suggest.  
"Erm, well...I was thinking maybe an animal or nature documentary?".  
Joan thought for a minute, having not expected Vera to give that answer, half expecting some kind of awful reality TV show or something just as bad that she didn't consider in anyway worthy of gracing a TV screen.  
"Yes, yes this sounds like something suitable to watch, interesting too" picking up the remote from its place on a small shelf in her bedside cabinet and turned on the TV, flicking through the channels and coming across an animal documentary that was just starting.  
"Yeah this looks good, let's watch this" Vera said, Joan putting the remote back on the bedside cabinet and shuffled to lay further down against the pillows, the younger woman snuggling up to her and laying her head on Joan's shoulder, her arm across the stomach of the older woman, causing Joan to smile and hold Vera close, kissing the top of her head.  
"Comfortable?" she asked, to which Vera nodded.

 

I've never had someone snuggle up to me in bed like she does.  
She just seems to do it naturally.  
Feels comfortable enough with me to do that.  
Wants to do this with me.  
Be close to me.  
No one has ever wanted to come near me let alone be close to me.  
She does.  
She seems to always like and want to be close to me.  
Have me close to her.  
I must say it's a nice feeling.  
It's nice having that close contact with someone.  
Someone I want close to me too.  
Something I didn't think I'd ever like.  
Ever want.  
Ever get the chance to have, to experience.

 

With the TV on at a nice sound level, the two women lay curled up to each other, their eyes trained on the screen, Vera suddenly giving a giggle, the sound coming unexpectedly to Joan, making her smile as she heard it.  
"What?" she chuckled, unable to help herself on hearing Vera.  
"T..the way that monkey jumped into the trees like he was superman or something" she giggled again, this analogy making Joan chuckle again, her chest moving on doing so, this causing a few more giggles in Vera.  
Continuing to watch the show, Vera snuggled closer to Joan, murmuring softly at how content she was, her body relaxing that little bit more, if that was even possible at this present moment, on Joan stroking a hand up and down Vera's back over her camisole top, smiling on Vera placing a kiss to her chest, the younger woman's soft lips feeling nice against her soft and sensitive skin.  
Relaxing back herself even more into the fluffy pillows, her eyes concentrated on the screen whilst her hand continued, after a few more minutes her attention was drawn to look down at the figure in her arms who'd not said anything for the last ten or so minutes, this becoming obvious because she'd fallen fast asleep in the older woman's arms.  
Her breathing was that bit slower and steady as she slept, her body relaxed and totally resting on Joan, a peaceful expression on her face, this image alone causing Joan to smile at her.  
"Look at you, just look how beautiful and precious you are, fast asleep and not a clue how precious and special you are" placing a single kiss on Vera's forehead, a stray lock of hair tickling Joan's nose, gently putting back with the rest of her hair.  
"Well you are precious, precious to me....so precious. I didn't think I'd ever get anyone nearly as special as you, didn't think I deserved it, or was actually capable of having something like this, definitely not deserving of it because well...it's me isn't it, I was told and have been told enough times that I didn't deserve it but then you came along, crept under my radar, slowly slipped into my psyche, peaked my attention. You didn't shout, scald me, push me away when many would have done, many have done on a few occasions,you stayed.....he...held me, made sure I was ok, you cared and now here we are, and I thank whatever stars are up there that you did and that you continue to do so, thank whatever it maybe that you continue to understand, to be patient, to care, to be here. I know I'm far from a perfect human being, far from it, that I'm difficult, but I want to be better, be better for you, because it's what you deserve. I will try for you, I'm trying for you, because it's the least you deserve, I won't allow anyone to hurt you, I'll hurt them first. Thank you for being you and simply being here, being here with me" she whispered tenderly, brushing her lips once again against Vera's forehead, pulling the sleeping woman more on top of her, Vera stirring a little but quickly settling again on Joan. The dark haired woman more than content to sit in bed with Vera asleep on top of her, wrapped safely in her arms and watch TV, taking glances down at her every so often just because she could.

 

Because she was here.  
Here with me.  
No one else.  
No one.  
Just her and I.


	27. Chapter 27

What a day.  
Thank god that's over with.  
Well until the next one.  
Hopefully later rather than sooner.  
Pushing her front door open Joan moved into her apartment, sighing with relief.  
Being stuck at meetings all day and not at the prison doing actual work wasn't her idea of work or a practical way to spend her time.  
A group of people all sat around a table discussing matters that a smaller group could easily sort between themselves, or sat in rows as someone stood at the front and read through a presentation of various facts and figures irrelevant to more than half of the people watching, the ins and outs of various parts of the prison system that she herself along with many others weren't able to influence or really make a difference in, amounted to a huge waste of her time, considering she could have been at Wentworth doing her own facts and figures, paperwork and general other things including her job, keeping the women in there in line and being much more constructive, actually doing what she was paid to do, instead of what she'd spent the last god only knows how many hours doing, pointless.  
If I don't have to go to another for a while it'll still be too long.  
Putting her bag on the dining table, after taking her coat and shoes off, she pulled her phone from her pocket, scrolling to Vera's name.  
She'd not had chance to talk to or text said deputy whilst she'd been there due to it being pretty full on since they'd started in the meeting, plus the phone signal was crap, well crap was putting it nicely.  
Very shit and none existent was a better way of putting it.

 

Reaching her name she pressed the call button after checking the time, yes she should have finished her shift and be home by now, with a bit of luck, after a few rings it was answered.  
"Hello?".  
"Vera hello, I was just ringing to see how you are, how your day went today?".  
"It was...it was fine" the younger woman seeming to pause before answering, this causing a frown from Joan.  
"Fine, are you sure it was Vera?" not quite convinced of the answer.  
"Y..Yes, it was...everything....everything was fine" her voice quivering and then breaking slightly as she spoke, her hand over her mouth in a bid to stifle the noise.  
Joan's brow furrowed further, now even more unconvinced.  
"Vera, it wasn't at all fine today was it, the same as you?".  
"It was...fine" she forced out down the phone, her breathing stuttering as she began to get upset down the phone.  
"No you're not and I'm coming over right now" not waiting for an answer or reply, leaving her apartment and driving over to Vera's house, marching with purpose up the drive and knocking on the door, it not taking long for the click of the door opening, Vera on the other side, her eyes filled with tears not yet expelled, looking up at Joan.  
"Vera.." not able to say anything else, the younger woman throwing herself at the governor, her arms around Joan's waist, her head against her chest, sobbing.  
Keeping an arm around the small frame, Joan moved into the house, shutting the door.  
Now how do I go about this situation?  
Comforting her.  
Stopping her crying.  
How do you help someone who's sobbing?  
Sobbing on you?  
What do you say?  
What do you do?  
"Erm...now...erm.." struggling what to say and what to do, not used at all to dealing with this kind of situation.  
Think Joan, think.  
Erm.  
Sit down.  
Yes sit down with her.  
On the sofa that's comfortable.

 

Joan guided them both to the sofa, Vera still clinging to her, her body wracking with heavy sobs, keeping her arms around the smaller woman, remembering how she rubbed Vera's back in bed a few nights ago while she slept and how calm she was, Joan moved her hand up and down Vera's back, placing a kiss on the top of her head, not sure if this would help much or not.  
Is this helpful?  
Is this comforting her?  
I can't bare hearing her cry this way and not be able to help.  
"What's the matter, what's happened?" Joan said, looking down at the woman against her.  
"I...I..." her breathing too ragged to speak.  
"It's ok" keeping her hand soothing over the crisp white shirt. "I'm here".  
"Now you are..but..but you might not be soon" she managed between sobs.  
Joan frowned softly at the statement, not understanding.  
"Whatever do you mean, I don't understand" the woman lifting her head from against Joan's jacket to look at her.  
"Because of what I've got, because of my...my Hep C, you might not want me anymore, you might decide that you hate me, that you don't want to put up with it anymore, put up with how I am" the words coming out in a rush, putting her head in her hands, breaking down.  
Watching the woman in front of her fall apart Joan swallowed hard her heart pounding, her head spinning wondering what on earth she should do to help her, her inexperience at dealing with such situations showing a little.  
Unclenching and then clenching her fists she shook her head.  
"I..I won't.." shaking her head again. "Where's this..this come from Vera, what's...what's happened?" her brain scrambling to understand and make sense of where this had all come from, Vera had been or at least seemed perfectly happy a couple of nights ago at her house and now here she was in bits.  
It was now Vera's turn to shake her head, she herself not quite sure why she was shaking it, but in her present state she didn't care.

 

"I...I went to the doctors today" sniffing before carrying on. "She..she said I might need to carry on my treatment longer than first thought...be...because it's not quite gotten rid of the virus yet. Maybe another number of months" eyes wide and looking at Joan.  
"Ok, and...and would this extended treatment fully get rid of it all together?" Joan asked, hands in her lap, eyes on the other woman.  
"She thinks so yes, she's very hopeful that it will" nodding to the older woman.  
"Ok, so that's good isn't it, it's good news?" her eyes widening a little as Vera broke down again in front of her, reaching out tentatively due to the state Vera was in, gently touching her palms to Vera's knees.  
"D...Don't J..Joan, don't because...because it'll be too....too much and then you'll say you don't want me because, because I might have all these side effects that you won't want, that I'll be too much of a burden to you, and this burden is something you'll not deserve and you'll find someone younger, better, that won't have all this crap for you to put up with!" trying to shout but her sobs dissolving her attempts, weakly pushing the older woman's hands from her knees.  
She doesn't need all this crap.  
My crap.  
It should've sorted it by now.  
Not for me to have to have another course of treatment to get rid of it.  
Not for Joan to have to endure whatever side effects this may bring.  
And why should she it's not her fault.  
Not her fault so she shouldn't have too.  
But I don't want her to leave.  
I want her.  
I need her.  
Just her.  
I do so much.

 

Seeing the younger woman push her hands away Joan loosened her tie and undid her top shirt collar button, her body heating up as she felt the tension and upset billowing around her, swiftly removing her trench coat, laying this on the nearby chair, getting up and moving to the kitchen, Vera with her head in her hands again.  
Walking into the kitchen she opened a couple of cupboards before finding the bottle of vodka, a couple of glasses handy on the draining board, starting to pace in the kitchen, tapping her forehead.  
Come on Joan.  
Get it together.  
Together for Vera.  
Think.  
She's upset.  
Upset and thinks you'll leave her.  
Leave her.  
That you might want someone else.  
Someone else who hasn't got Hep C even though it will get better with the second round of treatment.  
But I don't want anyone else.  
I want her.  
Only her.  
I need her.  
No one understands me like she does.  
No one.  
I need to tell her this.  
Help her see.  
Comfort her.  
Stop her tears.  
Tell her.  
Come on Joan.

 

Gathering the things she'd found, Joan took a deep breath and moved out of the kitchen, down the hall, pausing at the door, the deputy still sat on the sofa sobbing, inconsolable it seemed, the thoughts of losing the woman she loved and the events of the day too much for her.  
Stepping into the room, she placed the bottle and glasses on the table, clenching her fists nervously, never being in this position before, the position of comforter.  
Someone who meant the world to her needing comfort, they needed the comfort that she could give, someone needed her as much as she needed them, and right in that moment the only thing that would offer this relief and reassurance was her.  
With another swallow for courage she moved quietly to the woman perched on the sofa, kneeling down in front of her, gently touching her hands on Vera's knees, the contact causing Vera to gasp having not heard her.  
"It...It's just me" she murmured softly.  
"I...I thought you'd...you'd gone" Vera said her voice hoarse from crying, her eyes red.  
Joan shook her head.  
"No, I wouldn't...wouldn't do that. I just...I'm not good...not good at this but, but...I want you..want you to know that I won't leave you and I don't...don't want anyone else, that's not even a thought in my mind.." watching Vera's eyes not move from looking at her as she spoke, the other woman listening giving her the encouragement to continue. "It...It doesn't matter to me that you've got to get more treatment, it matters to me that it helps make you better. And I can help too, not with the medicine, but with looking after you, making sure...making sure you..you have good food and aren't getting stressed, looking after you in these ways, you'd never be a burden to me, the opposite in fact. I'm here Vera..here...here for you, I won't leave, I don't want to leave...I want to stay...stay with you, I'm here with you...I promise" moistening her dry lips as she finished talking, her nostrils flaring slightly as she watched hopefully for Vera's reaction, her heart pounding after her little speech.  
Searching Joan's face for a few moments, she sniffled, the words of the older woman seeming to have the desired effect and calmed her sobs down, saying nothing she lunged the small gap between them both, her arms going around Joan's neck in a tight hug. The governor reacting in an instant and wrapping her arms back around the small frame of her deputy, stroking a hand through Vera's loose hair, hearing her whimper softly close to her ear.  
That's the best response I could've asked for from her.  
I managed to calm her down.  
I did that.  
Me.  
No one else.  
Me.  
"Shhh it's ok, it's ok I'm here, I'm here Vera and I'm not going anywhere" standing up with the small woman in her arms, sitting back down on the sofa, Vera curled up tight on her lap, enjoying the contact, feeling safe, Joan soothingly rocking her, placing a tender kiss to her hair. "I'm here to stay" she whispered lovingly.


	28. Chapter 28

Groaning softly Vera's eyes flickered open, frowning sleepily at her surroundings.  
Her eyes slowly focusing on where she was.  
The setting of Joan's bedroom coming into focus.  
The last few days had been rather rough to say the least.  
They'd started off not too bad, the new course of medication not effecting her too much, the odd bit of tiredness and nausea which she could put up with, but in the last couple of days it'd been horrendous in terms of exhaustion, headaches, fever and muscle aches, add in vomiting intermittently and chills too and these had culminated in her being driven back from work to Joan's house, helped into the large bed of the governor, leaving her bottled water and painkillers on the bedside cabinet, checking she had everything that she needed until she'd finished her shift, only then had Joan left her resting in bed and returned to work. The following morning she'd made sure the younger woman was as settled as possible before she left, telling her to contact her straight away if she felt worse or anything at all happened and she'd be straight home.  
Here she now was squinting at the time on her phone.  
14:15pm.  
Jeez she really had fallen back asleep considering Joan had left at around 6am, wanting to get an early start just in case she had to leave work early for Vera, not wanting to have any unnecessary obstacles at work preventing her from doing so.  
I remember waking about 9am ish, then falling back asleep after having a sip of water, but after that I remember nothing.  
Absolutely nothing.  
Talk about knock you out.  
The doctors weren't kidding when they said this.  
I've never slept so much in my life.  
The last time was probably when I was a baby.

 

Hoisting herself up into a sitting position Vera sighed and rubbed her forehead, that annoying ache was still there, just like it had first this morning, not as bad so that was something at least.  
Resting back against the fluffy white pillows she closed her eyes, the silence in the house easing the ache in her head.  
That was one of the many things she liked about staying at Joan's house, apart from the main one being Joan herself of course, the peace.  
It was so calm and quiet, peaceful, you could hear yourself think, relax your mind, rest your mind.  
No noise, hassle, busyness, the opposite of work really.  
Such a break from work.  
And the fact she got to spend time with and be so close to Joan was a bonus, obviously under better circumstances than at the moment would be nice, but she was near Joan so it was definitely better than nothing.  
Definitely better.  
Sat up in bed her mind wandered over the events of the past weeks and months, how they'd gone from having dinner and her telling Joan about her Hep C status, to having a few dates and dinners together, Joan's outburst and then her finding out more about the inner workings of the older woman, then that beach picnic she'd gone on with her, how Joan had put sun cream on her so she wouldn't get burnt, then the admittance of being fond of Vera and what a step that was, a huge step for Joan. Yes it'd not been the easiest of times, especially after the older woman had tried to push her away that time in the kitchen, starting an argument from nothing, seeing how far she could push Vera, if she could push her enough to drive her out of the door, she quickly got her answer, a resounding no! Then came the making love for the first time, and by god how good that had been, to have Joan elicit those moans and feelings from her, to make her body do all those things, react like that was nothing short of mind blowing and then to get to return the pleasure to the woman herself was even more mind blowing, to get to experience the noises and sounds the older woman made at the height of ecstasy and to know that she herself had caused this turned her on no end, hopefully we'll get to do more of that soon!  
Then the small melt down she herself had had at home on needing more treatment for her Hep C, frightened that Joan might not want her anymore, not want to take on the burden that she thought she was, put up with her through all the treatment she might need, but she'd quickly expelled this theory Vera had in her mind by cuddling her close saying how she didn't want anyone else, that she was here to stay, then she'd wrapped those comforting arms around her, by god how she loved it when she did that, how safe it made her feel, how wanted, how dare she say it loved.  
And now here she was sat in the woman in questions bed, having been brought here by her to look after her, care for her, make sure she was ok, something no one had ever done for her before, not even her own mother, quite the opposite in fact.  
But Joan wasn't like that, she was different, was caring, gentle, passionate, attentive, protective, sensitive, all the things she'd never had from anyone before, she was everything to her, she was her Joan.  
She'd told her as much.  
She said she was hers and that I was her Vera.

 

Smiling to herself sat in bed her eyes were suddenly drawn to the click of the bedroom door, it opening to reveal the dark haired governor on the other side, quickly glancing to the clock which said it was two thirty and then back to Joan, a soft frown furrowing her brow.  
"What are you doing home?" not expecting to see her for a while yet, her eyes following Joan as she perched on the bed next to her still in her uniform.  
"I left early to come back to you, to look after you".  
Vera couldn't help give her a small smile at the sentiment.  
"Thank you" Joan shaking her head in answer, leaning across to exchange a gentle kiss with her deputy, retaking her position.  
"Not at all, I couldn't not come back and look after you, how are you feeling?"  
"I'm not too bad, still feeling rather wiped out and a slight ache in my forehead from the stinking headache I had last night, but the nausea seems to have subsided...well for now anyway" her ashen and tired face looking straight at Joan.  
"How about I make some soup, it'll be easy for you to eat and on your stomach to, what do you think?" thinking Vera would be better eating something as opposed to nothing, smiling on Vera nodding in agreement. "We can eat it up here and then just relax, watch something together on the TV if you'd like?".  
"I'd like that" it seemed the governor really did know how to take care of her, talk about having your needs met.  
"That's settled then, you say cosy there and I'll just shower and then change, then I'll make a start on that soup, it shouldn't take too long, is there anything I can bring you before I do?" being answered with a shake of the head from Vera.  
"No thank you, just you" she couldn't help add this little bit in at the end, the sentiment not lost on Joan.  
"I'll be here" giving Vera another gentle peck on her lips before collecting some clothes to change into, disappearing into the bathroom to shower.  
Flicking idly through the channels of the TV Vera looked up on smelling food entering the room, Joan carrying a steaming bowl of soup on a tray, with a small bread roll on a side plate complete with a slither of butter, a soup spoon and a napkin, gently placing it on Vera's lap.  
"Here we go, it's chicken and vegetable and I've taken the liberty of bringing you a bread roll too, thought you might like one" being met with a smile from Vera, her eyes wandering over the food.  
"It smells and looks lovely Joan, thank you" Joan nodding at her.  
"You're welcome, enjoy" leaving the room to collect her own food from downstairs, then joining Vera, sitting on top of the duvet as she ate.

 

All the plates and trays away back downstairs, the dishwasher filled, the kitchen sparkling again and returned to its acceptable standard, the governor returned to her bedroom, closing the door, padding to the bed, quickly changing into her bed camisole and pyjama pants, motioning for Vera to scoot forward, her long legs fitting either side of the other woman's shorter ones, gently bringing Vera to lean against her, both of them settling back against the pillows, sat in the middle of the bed.  
"You ok?" Joan asked as Vera leant back into her.  
Vera nodded.  
"Yeah just a bit sore and tired, I'm ok though, I've picked a programme for us to watch, it's about the history of the great barrier reef I thought it looked quite interesting, unless you want to pick something else?" feeling Joan gently rub her thumbs over the material of the vest she was wearing, the action causing Vera to lean back even more into the woman behind her, her body relaxing at the touch.  
"No, that sounds just fine to me, it's a very good choice".  
Half way through the programme both women had their eyes on the screen in front of them, Joan stealing glances at the woman in her arms, her eyes being drawn back to the screen as it showed a pair of dolphins, obviously a couple, both swimming side by side in the clear blue water, not a care in the world, both animals with what looked like smiles on both of their faces, the image one of happiness and bliss, just like it seemed she and Vera appeared right now, one of the graceful animals letting out a trilling sound, this being met by a whistle from what appeared to be the female, Vera entwining their fingers together even more at the sound, snuggling further into Joan, Joan seeming to steady herself mentally before resting her chin gently on Vera's shoulder, her lips grazing her ear.  
"I...erm..I...I lo...I love you" she whispered so it could just about be heard, but Vera had heard exactly what she'd said, feeling like her heart would burst right then at that very moment just like when someone had won playing piñata at a party, Joan's own heart pounding in her chest on saying the words out loud to the woman in her arms.  
It just happened, it felt right.  
It's never in my life felt like this before.  
It's never felt right enough to even think about saying it.  
But this just feels different.  
Some force within me taking over.  
Taking over and allowing me to say those words.  
Those immortal words.  
And say them to her.  
I'd never ever thought of saying them to anyone before.  
But right here, right now with her it feels safe.  
Feels right.  
My heart feels at home.

 

Vera turned her head just a little to the side so she knew Joan could see her and she could see Joan.  
"I love you too, like I've never loved anyone before and will again" the younger woman whispered lovingly, kissing the edge of Joan's lips, squeezing the larger hands that held her own, snuggling back as far as she could into the dark haired governor, who held her small frame flush against her chest, protectively yet tenderly at the same time.  
She said it back, she said she loves me.  
Vera loves me.  
She actually loves me.  
No one has ever said they loved me before in my whole life.  
Not even my own father said it and he was the one you'd have expected to say it.  
She makes me feel very safe, wanted, cared for, protected, validated, accepted.  
Just everything.  
Even though I have many, many flaws she accepts me.  
I don't think she'll ever quite know how special she is to me.  
She's the most precious, wonderful thing I've ever had in my entire life.  
And I'd do anything for her.  
Absolutely anything.  
All she'd have to do is ask and I'd do it.  
Vera Bennett my heart is and will always be yours.  
It's firmly in your hands.  
And I'd not want it to be anywhere else.  
Ever.


	29. Chapter 29

"Move...now!" Vera shouted at a couple of prisoners who were momentarily loitering in the corridor, just as Joan happened to walk around the corner, the raised voice gaining her a look from the older woman. "I said.." not finishing her sentence before Joan interrupted.  
"Ms Bennett, can I have a word please? Officer, take these prisoners to where they need to be" the female officer nearby nodding her acknowledgement.  
"Yes governor".  
Joan stood where she was until the prisoners and officer left the corridor, moving both her and Vera around the corner out of the way, looking down at the smaller woman.  
"What exactly is going on?".  
Vera frowned at her. "Nothing is going on, why?".  
"Vera, the way you've snapped and generally been short with the prisoners and guards today doesn't constitute nothing" giving her a look that meant she wasn't convinced by Vera's answer at all.  
"Nothing is wrong, they've all just been hard work today, not doing as they're told at the first time of asking, instead of the second or third time, not to mention the odd officer dawdling around the corridor and not moving fast enough to their assigned post. If they did as asked, when asked then there wouldn't be a reason to raise my voice to them would there" going to move away but being stopped by Joan gently grabbing her upper arm, Vera looking up at the touch.  
Joan quickly checked they were alone before speaking.  
"You know you can talk to me, that I'm here for you?" to which Vera nodded.  
"Yes, I'm fine" moving from the touch and heading back down the corridor, Joan sighing and shaking her head at her deputies obvious secrecy.

 

As the day carried on this seemed to be the theme, the theme that Joan didn't seem to be getting any closer to discovering the cause of, or if she listened to her deputy telling her there wasn't a problem and she was fine on multiple occasions, there wasn't a problem and nothing was going on, it was the prisoners and staff that were being the antagonists, causing her to snap and shout at them.  
What on earth is going on with her today?  
She's never like this.  
Never this snappy, this...this annoyed.  
She doesn't seem herself.  
Seem like she usually is.  
Usually she's happy, upbeat, bubbly, telling me to calm down and she'll sort it.  
This time the roles have been reversed.  
She's distant, on edge, sad, unhappy.  
Things I don't associate with her, My Vera.  
That's not my Vera.  
Something is wrong.  
Sighing to herself she continued with her paperwork at her desk, only looking up at the knock at the door.  
"Yes?"  
"The rotas you asked for, all done and complete for the next few weeks" Vera said placing them on the desk and turning on her heels to leave the room.  
"Wait.." Vera turning back to look at Joan, the older woman rising from her chair and making her way around to the front of the desk, eyes on Vera.  
"What?".  
"Is everything ok, I know I asked you before but you still don't seem yourself, something seems...off, you don't seem yourself at all.." watching Vera swallow lightly, her eyes flicking to the governor and then away.

 

Don't look at her Vera.  
Don't look, focus on something else.  
Anything else.  
Keep it together.  
Come on.  
"I'm fine Joan...I'm fine..." quickly moving to the door and not looking at Joan, the older woman swiftly moving in between Vera and the door blocking her exit, looking down at the top of Vera's bowed head, the smaller woman brushing a hand to catch a sniffle Joan had heard escape.  
"Vera.." her hand waving in the air, unsure of where to place it, deciding on gently cupping the side of Vera's neck, her thumb brushing the patch of skin just in front of Vera's ear, stopping short of reaching her cheek.  
Vera kept her eyes closed at the contact, willing herself not to lean into it.  
You can't.  
You're not worthy of her, not when you're like this.  
She deserves better than someone who's weak and ridiculous like you.  
Your own mother said you weren't any good and she was right.  
Look at how your body has deteriorated since your new treatment, the way the weight has dropped off.  
You've lost some of your muscles.  
Most of what little bit might have made her attracted to you.  
Your skin isn't in the best condition ever.  
Your eyes have dark circles and bags underneath them.  
You're snapping more at the prisoners, the officers, her.  
You're less able to be as tolerant, easily more irritated.  
You're more tired, weaker, not as much energy as before.  
Why in the hell would she want to be with someone like you.  
When she could have her pick of any woman out there.  
Any younger, fitter, prettier, better woman than you.  
Anyone but you.  
She deserves better than you.  
Anybody but you.

 

With her breath hitching in her throat at her own thoughts, stifling her tears, she pushed Joan's hand off her, the sudden action startling the older woman, Vera quickly reaching for the door handle, slipping past the governor and out of the office, events turning on their head that fast it caught the dark haired woman off guard, before she registered what was happening Vera had disappeared down the corridor and away.  
With her bag hastily retrieved from her locker, she signed out at reception and out of the building, her eyes locking on her car in the car park, tears blurring her vision as she fumbled for her key, managing to find the ignition and flooring the accelerator.  
Back in the prison, Joan had headed off after the younger woman, suddenly being stopped by one of the officers wanting to give her a message from medical about a prisoner who had been taken unwell and was therefore being kept in the unit for overnight observation.  
"Officer Miles, has Ms Bennett been here at all recently?" on approaching the desk, luckily it was quiet with only Linda behind it.  
"Yes Governor about ten, fifteen minutes ago".  
"Very good, well I've got some business to attend to for the rest of the afternoon, so I'm sure you and the other officers will be able to manage whilst I'm gone won't you" her look giving the officer no doubt that she was telling her that there would be no trouble whilst she wasn't here or there would be consequences.  
"Yes governor" Joan giving her a nod and leaving the building, swiftly getting into her car and speeding out of the car park.  
"Come on, come on, come on..." she mumbled willing the traffic lights to turn green, every one of them seemingly against her as she drove to the younger woman's house.  
Turning into Vera's road she strained her eyes to look down to the drive in question, the light starting to fade as it turned to dusk, pulling up outside the house her heart dropped.  
The drive was empty.  
No sign of Vera's car.  
No lights on in the house.  
Vera hadn't come back home.  
But Vera always came back here.  
Either here or Joan's house.  
Maybe she's at my house.  
Setting off again, Joan turned into her own street, her heart dropping even more with an empty space outside the house, pulling into said space she leaned back into her seat, closing her eyes, thinking.  
Think, think, think, think.  
Where could she be?  
Where would she go?  
Come on Joan think!  
Where would Vera go if not at home and not here at yours.  
Think!

 

Tapping on the steering wheel for a few minutes she dropped her shoulders a little from their tense position, trying to will her mind to stop scrambling and bring some sensible and calm thoughts and ideas forward.  
After a few minutes her eyes opened suddenly, an idea coming to the forefront, this idea moving down to her foot to floor the accelerator, her tyres spinning as she pulled away from the pavement and out of her street.  
I've one idea where she might be.  
I hope I'm right otherwise I'm really out of ideas and the state she left work in worries me.  
Greatly worries me.  
Come on Vera you've got to be here.  
You've just got to be.  
Please be here and don't have done anything stupid.  
Please!  
Tyres screeched around the corner and then kicked up dust as they hit the gravel and windswept sand of the patch of ground, ground that had become a make shift car park, the beach's make shift car park.  
The headlights of the dark Lexus catching something near the bushes, this only coming into focus as Joan parked it up, her heart quickening on seeing something she wanted to see, but not like this, in these circumstances.  
Vera's car.  
But Vera's car with the driver's door left open, wide open and the car empty.  
No sign of Vera.  
The engine off but the keys still in the ignition.  
Her bag on the passenger seat.  
All her work essentials in there.  
Plus her mobile phone.  
No way of contacting her.  
Of finding out where she is or if she's ok.  
Nothing.

 

Glancing around her immediate surroundings she saw nothing, then something, something under her feet catching her eye, making her heart pounding that bit louder in her ears in panic.  
Footprints.  
Not dog or other animal tracks or scuffs, or shoe prints.  
But human footprints.  
Small ones.  
Someone with small feet.  
Vera's size feet.  
Vera's footprints, footprints moving away from the car.  
Away from the car and to the path.  
Roughly pulling the keys out of the ignition and stuffing them into her suit pocket she slammed the door, setting off running through the clearing of the path and down in the direction of the beach, not knowing what scene she was actually running towards, what horrors might lay in wait for her on reaching her destination.


	30. Chapter 30

On reaching the clearing she stopped dead in her tracks, eyes darting around for the woman in question, finding it hard to see in the encroaching dark.  
Further she walked towards the steps that led down to the beach, eyes everywhere, looking, searching, wishing.  
Where are you Vera?  
You've got to be here somewhere.  
You've just got to be.  
Unable to see very far in front of her in the dark, Joan ran over to the sand dunes, quickly making her way between them, finding nothing.  
Finding no one.  
Standing on the top of the highest one she leaned forward on her knees trying to catch her breath, eyes still wandering over her immediate surroundings, desperately searching for the woman in question.  
Then suddenly, below where she was stood, there on the beach.  
A figure.  
A slight, small figure.  
A Vera shaped and sized figure.  
A figure she'd recognise anywhere.  
Vera.

 

Springing into action Joan raced down the dunes, across the sand and down the steps, two at a time, her long legs making short work of them, her feet hitting the sand and kicking up dust as her shoes sunk into the beige grains underneath them, moving as fast as her legs would carry her to the figure in question.  
"Vera, Vera!" she called, the woman near the shoreline half turning at her name, eyes widening in shock as she saw Joan, her legs coming to life and starting to run down the beach.  
"No, Vera stop!" Joan said, altering her path to run towards the smaller woman in her eye line.  
"L..Leave me...leave me alone!" Vera called back, her voice fractured as she cried, whilst trying to run away from the taller woman, the long strides of Joan easily gaining and catching up with her, a long arm reaching for and taking hold of her small shoulder, stopping her on the sand further down the beach.  
"Stop...please".  
Vera wriggled in her grasp, trying to get free.  
"Leave me alone Joan, I told you, go away!" tears streaming down her cheeks.  
"I can't do that Vera, not when I don't know what's going on, what's happening, what the matter is" her other hand taking hold of the other shoulder just to be sure the younger woman couldn't run away again.  
"Just leave me Joan!".  
Joan's brow furrowed at this statement, not understanding in what context it was meant.  
"Leave you, why would you want me to do that and more to the point, what makes you think I'd want to do that?".  
Why on earth would I want to leave her?  
She's the last person I'd want to leave and have leave me.  
She means the world to me.  
"Because...because that's what's going to happen, now...now that I'm continuing treatment for this...this...this god forsaken disease, now that I'm...I'm ugly and disgusting to look at let alone touch and be around you'd be better off leaving me, just leaving me on my own where I can't...can't mess up your life, be a burden to you, where you can find someone so much more attractive, prettier, not infected, having to take stupid meds that make me feel sick and look sick, make me...make me just a vile woman, someone not worthy of anything. My...my mum was right..I...I can't cut it...in anything, with anyone" her words breaking through her heavy sobs, unable to hold in the pain, frustration and fear she'd been bottling up.  
What the hell.  
As if this is what she's been thinking, been feeling.  
Thinking I'll leave, that I'd be better off leaving.  
Finding someone else.  
Someone better?  
There's no one walking this planet who's better than her.  
Not at all.

 

"Listen...listen to me, this is the last thing I want to do, I'd never do that.." being interrupted by Vera pushing at her chest trying to get Joan to let go of her.  
"L...Let go of me Joan, I..I don't want this...get...get off!" her small fists tapping the older woman's upper chest, tears streaming down her cheeks, increasing their frequency as Joan pulled Vera into her.  
"No...no let go...let...let go of me!" again pushing against the embrace of the older woman, but unable to get free.  
I'm not letting her go.  
She's distressed and thinks I don't want her, that I should give up and leave her.  
That's not going to happen.  
She needs to calm down and let me hold her.  
Let me soothe her.  
Let me decide what I want to do.  
I'm not letting go.  
"It's alright, I'm here Vera" Joan started, her arms now wrapped securely around Vera, one of her hands holding Vera's head against her chest. "I've got you".  
Held tight against the older woman, knowing Joan wasn't going to let go of her, teamed with the security she felt in Joan's embrace, slowly Vera's pushing and pounding fists ceased, leaving Joan with a heartily sobbing woman, who's pain and frustration was flowing out of her in the guise of tears.  
"Shhh" she soothed, feeling the once pounding fists replaced by the same hands grabbing at her suit jacket, seeking some kind of purchase, some kind of grounding, grabbing for Joan.  
Gently she kissed the top of Vera's head, her arms staying firm and secure around Vera.  
"I'm here Vera, I'm here" she whispered into the other woman's hair.  
"I...I...I.." Vera stammered, unable to formulate any words.  
Keeping hold of the now trembling woman, Joan moved a hand between them and quickly undid her suit jacket buttons, using this same hand to open one side of said jacket and pulled Vera back against her body for warmth, the flap of the jacket around Vera's body, replacing her arm back around her for security.  
"Is that warmer?" Joan said softly, being answered with a nod from a still crying Vera.  
Slowly Joan moved them both away from where they were stood and up the beach to where the greenery outlined the patch of sand all the way around, sitting down on the grass she brought Vera onto her lap, still cradling her with the jacket around the smaller woman.  
"Would you like to talk about what the matter is, what's caused you to be this upset, hm?" she asked carefully to the woman on her lap.  
Vera sniffled, resting her head against Joan's shoulder, giving a little shrug.  
"I..I don't know if I can..because...because of what might happen, to...to us".  
"Nothing will happen...nothing, is this..is this about your illness?" not sure what else could be causing this amount of upset.  
After a pause Vera nodded, taking a few deep breaths before speaking.

 

"I..I think...think that with this..what I've got I...I feel...feel useless, that..that you could do better, that other women are so much more attractive than me, that I'm not as appealing in a physical sense anymore, that because of my moods due to not feeling well you'll get fed up, I get fed up...fed up of myself sometimes because I don't feel like myself, and I...I think you will too, that...that you'll have enough of me, not find me attractive anymore..not...not want me anymore, and that...that thought ki...kills me. My..mother said I couldn't cut it, cut it in my career, in any relationship, that I just couldn't cut it no matter how hard I tried, she died and I found you, found someone who actually thinks me worthy, who thinks I do a good job, who actually wants me for me, no more no less, just me." taking a shaky breath before continuing. "But since this fucking virus hasn't gone away, is lingering...I hear her sometimes when I have a particularly rough day, when I'm feeling awful, that nagging doubt in my head, annoying me, creeping into my psyche, telling me I'm not worthy, that you can do better, that I'm a nuisance, that I can't cut it. But then I see you, I hear you, and I realise, I...I...I need you Joan, I need you so fucking much, more than anyone I've ever needed before and thinking I might...I might not, that you might...it...I can't...I couldn't cope" the younger woman's temporary resolve evaporating as she cried on Joan's shoulder, the older woman closing her eyes as she heard her, the noise and trembling of Vera in her arms hurting her heart to hear.  
She's been carry this burden on her shoulders for however long.  
No wonder she looks so tired, so unlike herself.  
She's worn out, stressed, feeling unwell.  
Mentally exhausted.  
It hurts me to know she's carried this for so long, without any relief.  
Any rest.  
"I...you won't...you've no need to worry about me going anywhere, I won't, I've no need too, none at all" gently stroking her fingers through Vera's hair that was loose on her shoulders. "Out of the two of us, I consider myself lucky...lucky to have someone like you...didn't think...didn't think I ever would" Joan admitted, resting her cheek on Vera's head.  
She think she's lucky to have me.  
Joan thinks she's lucky to have me.  
Me.  
Vera Bennett.  
And here she is after I ran out of the office, holding me.  
She came after me, wanted to find me, make sure I was ok.  
Even though I tried to push her away she stayed, stayed with me.  
She's still here with me.  
Just as she said when I broke down at home.  
She said she wouldn't leave.  
She promised.  
And she's making good on that promise.

 

Vera nuzzled Joan's neck, raising her head to look up into those dark eyes, the same pair of eyes that were now looking down at her.  
Saying nothing, Vera simply sat and looked at Joan, taking in her features for a few minutes, her own eyes red and glassy from all the tears, the silver highlights on her cheeks where they'd cascaded down there not minutes ago.  
Joan let her look, usually she'd be highly uncomfortable with this kind of well...observation of her own face, but sat here with Vera she wasn't, because it was Vera looking, her Vera.  
"Are you ok?" Joan whispered, to which Vera nodded, giving a little smile, the first one the governor had seen in days.  
"I always am when I'm with you, you make everything ok, you make me feel ok. T..Thank you for being here, for finding me, for being you" leaning up to Eskimo kiss the older woman. "I love you" her eyes transfixed on Joan's.  
Joan smiled at the answer, brushing Vera's nose with her own.  
"Just as I love you" pulling the woman against her after tenderly kissing her lips. "You're coming home with me and I'm going to look after you, no if's or buts, that's what's going to happen, no one else is looking after you, I am, because it's my job and I want to, also because well....simply put...you're my Vera" giving a gentle but protective squeeze to the woman in her arms, her hand finding it's place back again in Vera's hair, soothing stroking it, Vera closing her eyes at the action, relaxing into Joan as they sat together on the beach, only the sound of the sea lapping gently at the shore intermittently interrupting the peaceful silence.


	31. Chapter 31

"I..I can't do this.." Vera mumbled sat in Joan's en suite leaned up against the bath, running a fever and having come into the bathroom to splash her face with water and wipe her face with a wet cloth, but it becoming a bit overwhelming and bringing her to be sat on the floor, head in her hands.  
"Yes you can" Joan said, carefully moving some of the hair from her face.  
"I...I can't!" turning to look up at Joan, her blue eyes wide and shining with unshed tears.  
"Come now.." gathering Vera up in her arms, cradling her to her chest, placing gentle kisses on her forehead, the heat from the fever transferring to the older woman's lips.  
"I can't imagine how hard all this is for you, but I know that you can get through it, I know you can because you're strong and I'm here, I'm going to look after you, properly look after you".  
Vera closed her eyes at the kisses, listening to the soft and tender voice, that voice that seemed to help her relax, float into her ears and make her believe the words it was saying, something no one had ever done before.  
There was nothing on this earth like the sound of Joan's voice.  
Nothing.  
So soothing.  
So safe.  
So Joan.

 

"Come on, let's get you back into bed, it's much more comfortable" rising to her feet and easily bringing Vera with her, holding her close as they moved from the bathroom and then back to bed, Joan helping Vera into bed, getting in herself and cradling the smaller woman against her body, gently stroking her hair, the motion helping Vera close her eyes and relax further into Joan, feeling her body relax and fall asleep, the thing that hadn't been easy coming over the past few hours.  
Waking a few hours later, Vera squinted as her eyes adjusted to her surroundings, light now appearing under the curtains, guessing it must be at least dinnertime if not later, she being alone in bed, having remembered falling asleep with Joan.  
Pulling back the duvet she swung her legs out of bed, rising to her feet, half asleep still padding to the bedroom door, rubbing her eyes and giving a soft yawn walking down the stairs, hearing soft music and rustling coming from the kitchen, the smell of cooking floating in the air.  
Turning the corner Vera stopped, her eyes wandering around the sight before her.  
Joan was at the cooker stirring something in a pan, the kitchen island had a number of plates on, each one with various foods on them, Joan's laptop was open on the kitchen table, a notepad and pen beside it.  
"Vera.." Vera turning to see Joan looking towards her. "Are you alright?" lowering the heat under the pan and coming to stand in front of her, gently brushing her hair from her face, just like she had in the early hours of the morning in the bathroom.  
Vera nodded. "Yeah, I just woke up and wondered where you were" she gave a sleepy smile, standing in the kitchen in her t shirt and short sleep set, her hair ruffled from sleep.  
Leaning down Joan pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, running her hands down Vera's arms and holding her hands.  
"I thought I'd let you sleep seen as you'd not had much last night, you looked very peaceful".  
Smiling up at her Vera squeezed Joan's hands, pressing a kiss to her chin.  
"Thank you, what are you making?".  
"Oh well, I've been doing some research, researching foods and things that are helpful to help you fight back and get you stronger against your virus. I went out to get some ingredients and I've made things for you to try" leading Vera over to the work surface, showing the plates with food on.  
Vera looked over them, not sure what some of them were, her eyes going to Joan to explain.  
"It's says that vegetables and lots of them are important, along with not a lot of red meat and too many refined carbohydrates, lots of gluten too isn't looked upon very well too, so I've tried to find things that fit in with this".  
One by one Joan explained what she'd made, Vera trying each one, giving her opinions of them and which she liked, Joan's face lighting up pleased on Vera liking what she'd made.  
I might not be able to cure the virus myself but at least I can help this way.  
I just want to help her feel better.  
Take her pain and illness away, the fact I can't is really hard.  
Really hard.

 

"Then there is this" passing Vera a glass with some rather green looking liquid, Vera screwing her face up at the colour and then the smell.  
"What is that?".  
"It's veggie juice, packed full of nutrients and vitamins. It's meant to be very good" watching the other woman smell it again and then take a sip and then pull a face, placing it back down on the work surface.  
"No, no I can't drink that, it tastes awful. How anyone can find that good for them when it tastes like that, I will never know" sipping from a glass of water to rid her mouth of the taste.  
Joan rolled her eyes at Vera's dislike of the juice and then her drinking water, the younger woman resting against the cupboards, her glass down next to the sink.  
"How about you go and rest on the sofa, I can make you something to eat, get you a drink. Or maybe you'd like something else, something to read, some music, a programme you'd like to watch on the TV....or maybe I could go and get you something, something that I don't have here, something you'd like" her words coming out in a rush, different options flowing through her mind of what might help Vera.  
"Stop...Joan, just stop!" the sudden raised voice bringing Joan's thoughts to a halt, the older woman's face surprised at Vera's tone.  
"I...I just" not quite sure how to answer Vera's reply, looking down to her hands.  
Watching Joan look down Vera sighed and closed her eyes.  
I know she's only trying to help, but it's information overload.  
My brain is frazzled by how I feel, adding this extra information it can't handle.  
But I shouldn't shout at her.  
It's not her fault, she's trying to help in her way.  
She doesn't know what I want to do, what will help me so she's giving me things that she thinks might do.  
Look at her.  
Stood there like a scolded child.  
A child that's been told off, been shouted at.  
Scolded by a parent for nothing.  
Scolded by me.

 

Opening her eyes again, Vera padded over to the older woman, taking her larger hands in hers, Joan looking at their hands together and then at Vera.  
"I'm sorry" Vera whispered. "I sorry I shouted, it was wrong, I know you're only trying to help me and I shouldn't shout" looking straight into the older woman's eyes.  
"I just want to look after you, to try and help you recover your strength and get better, I don't....I don't know what else to do, or what might help you feel a bit better or what you might like to do" she admitted, her voice with a slight sadness at not having the right answer to take Vera's illness away.  
"Do you know what would help me, what I'd like to do?".  
"Tell me" Joan replied.  
"For you and me to have a duvet day".  
Joan frowned at the suggestion, puzzled.  
"A what day?".  
Vera chuckled at Joan's confused expression.  
"A duvet day, you don't know what one is?".  
Joan shook her head.  
A duvet day.  
What on earth is one of those.  
Does such a thing even exist or is it made up?  
I've never heard of one before.  
But I'll find out what such a thing is from her and it's what she'd like to do.  
"A duvet day is when you get your duvet from the bed and sit on your sofa in pyjamas, watching TV or films, or listening to music, you have snacks and drinks, I like hot chocolate and mini marshmallows when I've done them in the past, you can have naps and just be all cosy and relaxed, you don't have to move from the house all day. That kind of thing you do" Vera explained, smiling as she described what it was, blue eyes looking at Joan.  
"And this is what you'd like to do today?".  
Still looking at Joan Vera nodded.  
"Please, if that's ok?".  
"Well...I've never even heard of this, let alone done it before, but I'm prepared to try it, especially with you" the sentiment of the other woman causing a wider smile from Vera, small arms going around Joan's waist as Vera hugged her.  
"Thank you Joan" feeling the older woman hug her back and then kiss the top of her head.  
"Now, you're going to get yourself settled on the sofa, I'll fetch the duvet from upstairs, then I'm going to nip out to get some hot chocolate and what are they again...mini marshmallows, maybe if we get hungry later I could make something, a...a homemade pizza or something else you'd like?".  
"I'd like that" looking up at the governor.

 

Joan nodded. "Good, now come on, on the sofa and I'll fetch the duvet for us" kissing Vera's head again, parting from her and retrieving the duvet from upstairs.  
A while later, with the few items from the shop Vera wanted purchased by Joan and brought home, the two women were cuddled up on the sofa, Joan led down length ways with Vera half led on her, the younger woman's hand flat on the older woman's upper chest, her head resting on her shoulder, watching the TV, the duvet tucked around them both.  
"So how is this as far as...duvet days go?" having to remember the correct terminology for what they were actually doing.  
"This is the best one I've ever had" smiling to herself as she slowly lifted her head to look at Joan. "Please could you pass me my hot chocolate?".  
"Of course" easily reaching her long arm out to the coffee table and passing Vera her mug, the younger woman sat up slightly to take a sip of the warm drink, seeing Joan do the same with her own mug, having persuaded her to try it with her, managing also to get Joan to add a few marshmallows too.  
Looking up from her drink she gave a giggle, this causing Joan to frown, confused.  
"What's funny?".  
"Y...you've got.." not bothering to finish her sentence, passing Joan her mug, the older woman putting them both back beside each other on the coffee table, the minute she'd regained her position, head against the pillow and Vera was leaning forward, gently gliding her tongue against and removing the hot chocolate moustache, this action causing a gentle sigh from Joan, Vera pulling back to look at her.  
"You had a hot chocolate moustache" Vera smiled.  
Joan raised an eyebrow, unable to stop herself smiling, looking back at Vera.  
"That was a bit cheeky of you".  
"I couldn't help it, you're just..just...beautiful and just you" her chin on Joan's chest, hands on her shoulders, laying on top of her, the compliment causing Joan to dip her eyes shyly, her cheeks with a blush to them.  
Fingers linked at the small of Vera's back, Joan wandered her eyes over Vera's face, not saying a word for a few minutes.  
"I know....I know, I know I can't begin to understand how you feel and how your illness effects you, but I know that I'll do all I can to look after you, if you need anything, anything at all then all you have to do is say and I'll get it for you, and if I can't myself then I'll find a way to get it. I'd....I'd do anything for you...anything" her words quiet but loving, having never said this kind of thing to anyone before, Vera being the first.  
Moving her hands to Joan's cheeks, Vera brushed her thumbs against the fair and soft skin, exchanging a soft kiss with the older woman, her lips then moving to Joan's ear.  
"You are the sweetest and I know with you by my side I can do anything and this is something I've never had before, oh yeah and I've never seen someone look as cute as you do with a hot chocolate moustache" smiling as she felt Joan's cheeks lift, knowing that this meant Joan was smiling even though she couldn't see her.  
Before Vera lifted her head back, Joan's lips were near her ear.  
"And I can honestly say I've never had a chocolate moustache for anyone else before, you're the only person I make the special exception for, because you're a special person" she said softly, kissing the shell of Vera's ear, it now being Joan's turn to feel Vera's cheek rise with a smile, the younger woman regaining her position of her head resting on Joan's shoulder, snuggling tightly on top of her, her fingers lazily stroking through Joan's hair a couple of times, after which her right hand found Joan's left and she linked their fingers, the entwined hands settling on Joan's chest, the older woman's free arm wrapping securely and protectively around Vera's back under the duvet as they led together.  


If this is what these....duvet days consist of then I definitely want to do more of them with her.  
If anyone else had asked me to do this kind of thing with them, the answer would have been a straight no.  
Not a chance.  
But not with her.  
Never with her.  
I meant what I said.  
I'd do anything for her.  
Absolutely anything.  
I thought of my world as being work and my home.  
Not anymore.  
That's changed.  
Now my world is her.  
She's my whole world.  
My everything.


	32. Chapter 32

What is wrong with me?  
I can't get my brain to work properly.  
I've been asleep last night and a couple of hours today and still I'm tired.  
Talk about draining when I've not even done anything.  
It's bloody ridiculous!  
I sleep because I'm tired and even when I've slept, I wake up and I'm still tired.  
What is going on.  
I thought this might get better by now, it hasn't.  
Leaning against the kitchen work surface Vera closed her eyes, ceasing from checking the boiling water in the pan beside her, wanting to just rest her brain for a moment or two, try and clear the fog that had been a wavering feature for the past few hours since she'd been back from work.  
Even though she'd been working only a half day today and manage to take a nap when she'd returned back to Joan's, the older woman had all but told her she wouldn't have her going home when there was everything she needed at hers, that she meant it when she said she was going to look after her properly, still the brain fog wouldn't lift.  
Nothing seemed to shift it.  
It was like she was in a haze, muddling through the hours, not quite sure of herself and her surroundings, not able to fully concentrate.  
The plan had been to come home and begin to make some food for when Joan got home, seen as the older woman had been doing a lot for her recently, in terms of cooking after work, making sure Vera was comfortable and resting, taking the medicines she'd been given, keeping Wentworth running smoothly, dealing with any problems, going to meetings and just generally being Joan, the least she could do it make them both some food, give the governor a night off, for tonight anyway.

 

She'd known at first what to do, what she was going to make, it was clear as day in her head driving back from the supermarket after she'd quickly popped in at dinnertime after finishing her shift, even getting home she still knew what she was planning to do. Now she'd had a nap and was stood here at the kitchen counter top with the ingredients in front of her and the pan boiling on the stove her brain had completely fogged over and she was struggling to remember what she was going to actually cook for them both, all she remembered is that she was boiling the potatoes, the rest of the ingredients in front of her were failing to spark in her brain the idea that she had this morning.  
"For fucks sake come on what was I going to do?!" she grumbled to herself opening her eyes and looking for the hundredth time at the ingredients, reverting to closing her eyes again as she heard her mum's berating voice in her mind.  
"See you can't cut it, you can't even remember what you were going to cook and you can't remember because you're useless, absolutely useless, not only as a daughter and a human being, in your job and life, but now as a cook, just like the slop you used to serve me, no wonder I'd spit it out, useless girl, useless!" every insult seeming more cutting than the one before.  
With her eyes screwed shut even tighter, Vera pressed her hands over her ears desperately trying to rid her mums voice from her mind, tears rolling down her cheeks as the emotions welled up inside her and she was unable to suppress them, shaking her head, her frame trembling with frustration and upset at her inability to perform and execute what should have been a simple task.  
It's cooking a meal.  
That's all it is and you can't remember what you're meant to be cooking.  
Who the hell does that?  
Who remembers a couple of hours ago and now after a sleep forgets what they were going to do.  
Me that's who because I'm useless.  
Useless.  
So useless.  
I can't even do this simple thing.  
It's so simple.  
So bloody simple.

 

"Stupid you are, bloody stupid and useless, you can't do anything right!" she shouted out into the kitchen, the tears still flowing freely, a small fist making contact with the chopping board in front of her. "Your mother was right, you are a fucking waste of time. What is the matter with me, why can't I do anything, why?! I can't do this anymore, I just can't!" feeling her legs start to tremble underneath her and begin to fail in their ability to hold her up, the floor drawing her to it, the sobs making this even worse.  
"I've got you" came the voice through the haze of tears, a pair of strong arms turning her round and then wrapping around her, drawing her close, even through her anguish and pain Vera recognised the voice, she'd know it anywhere, especially teamed with that perfume.  
Joan.  
Joan was here.  
Joan was holding her.  
"It's ok, I'm here" came the dulcet tones of the older woman, and dulcet they were, teamed with the strong and comforting hand holding Vera's head against her, her other arm cradling the smaller woman's frame securely against hers.  
She'd just come through the front door after work and seen Vera in the kitchen, seen and heard her shouting at herself, then heard the crying, quickly followed by the weakening of the knees, her deputy heading for the floor.  
That wasn't going to happen.  
Not a chance.  
Not while I'm here.  
That's when she'd made short work of closing the distance between them and cradling Vera to her before she was anywhere near the floor, and now here they were stood in the kitchen, Vera in her lounge wear, Joan in her uniform, minus shoes, slippers instead, the older woman with a secure grip of Vera, soothing her with soft words of comfort, brushing her thumb against her hair over her temple.

 

"There we are, that's better" Joan murmured softly as Vera calmed down, her crying ceasing and being replaced by a quiet and calmer woman who was simply enjoying being held by the woman she loved, kissing the top of Vera's head.  
"I..I didn't hear you come in" Vera whispered.  
"Stealthy you see" Joan whispered jokingly, gaining a little chuckle from Vera. "What...what happened to make you so upset, hm?" she asked gently, wanting to understand and help Vera if she could.  
Vera sniffled softly, her fingers playing with a button on Joan's trench coat, seeing the way the cotton threaded through the holes of said button, her mind thinking over what to say and deciding honesty was best, it's what she'd always asked for and promised Joan.  
"I...I was going to cook dinner for us.." she started, eyes still on the button as she spoke."I had it all planned, what I was going to make, I got the ingredients after work and put them all away at dinnertime when I got back, then I had a nap, I came to start making the food, put the potatoes on to boil..then...then I forgot, completely forgot what I was going to make for us, I stood there trying so hard to remember but my mind was all foggy, like it'd gone blank. Then...then I...I heard...heard my mum, heard her saying how useless I was, useless because I couldn't remember, couldn't see through the fog and just cook dinner, this..this made me upset, upset and frustrated because..because I do feel useless, I wanted to have it all ready for you when you came home, you've cooked dinner so many times for us that I wanted to cook it for us, for you, that's...that's why I was crying" keeping her eyes fixed on said button, feeling embarrassed at her outburst.  
Now she knows she say anything, do anything.  
Other people would.  
They'd say I was silly for it.  
Silly for overreacting for nothing.  
That it's a stupid way to behave.  
Or that I should just have remembered.  
That is wasn't that hard to remember.

 

"Look at me?" Joan requested softly, Vera tilting her head up to lock eyes with the older woman. "You're not useless in the slightest, you could never be useless, it doesn't matter that you've forgotten what you were going to make, we all forget things, it just that because you're not well it makes it feel worse for you. You wanting to make dinner for us is sweet, kind and thoughtful. Whatever horrible things your mother told you, none of those were true, none of them, I see you, see you for all you are, all you bring to my life and not a single one of these is horrible, they're all wonderful....just like you" the hand that had previously been stroking Vera's head, now cupping the side of her face, brushing her cheek with her thumb as she gazed down at her.  
Vera smiled up at Joan's words, closing her eyes and leaning her face into the gentle touch, enjoying it for a few minutes, her own smaller hand laying over the top, stroking her thumb across Joan's fingers.  
"Thank you" Vera whispered, blue eyes being revealed to Joan again.  
Joan nodded, smiling back down at Vera.  
"How about I quickly shower and change, then I'll come back down here and we can maybe figure out what you were wanting to make, and make it together?" trying to suggest something that might help Vera remember what she wanted to make, also something she might enjoy doing too.  
"I'd like that" Vera said, her eyes still with Joan's.  
"Then that's what we shall do. You rest for a minute whilst I change and I'll be down soon and we can figure something out....together" leaning down to capture a quick kiss off Vera, before heading upstairs after taking off and hanging her trench coat up.  
"That was lovely, thank you" Joan commented after finishing the last of the meal they'd prepared together, both their plates clean, the most she'd seen Vera eat in a while, the medicine she'd been taking made her appetite go up and down, as did the nausea and fatigue.  
"I've got it" Vera said, rising from her own chair and taking both plates to the sink, smiling at Joan as she did, the older woman watching from her place from the dining table, sipping the last of her water, pausing to consider the younger woman with her back to her at the sink.  
Look at her.  
Such a vulnerable soul at the moment.  
Getting upset because she couldn't remember what she wanted to cook.  
She didn't have to cook at all, but I know how important things like this are to her.  
I couldn't not dash over and hold her, it just wasn't an option.  
She was upset and distressed so I had to step in.  
Step in and hold her, comfort her.  
She's my Vera.

 

Moving her chair from the table she got up and made her way to the sink, putting the glass to the side, snaking her arms around Vera's waist, her chin on her shoulder.  
"Mmmm" Vera murmured softly, leaning back against her as she continued to wash the pots.  
"Have you seen that there, I think you've missed a bit" Joan remarked glancing at Vera out of the corner of her eye and then down into the bowl at the plate Vera was holding.  
"Missed a bit, where?" Vera frowned softly, her eyes drawn down and her head dipping forward to inspect the plate, not noticing Joan's hand lose contact with her waist for a split second, the large hand quickly dipping into the bowl and bubbles, gently applying a little pile onto the end of her nose.  
"What the.." Vera exclaimed on feeling the suds on her face, half turning to look up to the smugly grinning face of the governor.  
"Ok, maybe you didn't miss a bit" she replied, giving a soft wink to Vera, the deputy unable to stop a smile at the wink, letting the plate sink into the bowl so her hands were free, one of her hands reaching up to tap a small pile of suds to the end of Joan's nose.  
"Oi" Joan chuckled softly, looking down at Vera who was now leaned against the sink looking up at her smiling and giggling at her reaction.  
I've not seen her this relaxed in a while since she's been back to work.  
It must be hard for her wanting to go back to work but not being fully ready to.  
But she wanted to go back so I put her on half shifts, no way is she going on full ones yet.  
She'd be exhausted and far too stressed.  
I won't have her put under that unnecessary stress for nothing.  
Not a chance.  
I'll do everything in my power to make things as easy as possible for her.  
Everything.

 

"Thank you" Vera said, her arms snaking around Joan's waist, pulling the older woman close.  
"For what?".  
"For today, tonight. The way you've handle the situation...how I was before dinner, I was in a mess but you knew exactly how to sort it out, sort me out, how to comfort me, how to make me feel better. No one else knows how to do that, no one ever could, no one but you, and I appreciate it, I appreciate all of it, just like I appreciate you, so much" her eyes conveying her appreciation, it was true, no one could calm her down and get her to settle like Joan could, just the older woman's presence and scent had an effect on Vera.  
Joan smiled shyly at the words, dipping her eyes for a second before bringing her eyes back to Vera.  
"I wouldn't want it any other way, with anyone else. I'm lucky to have you, very lucky. Thank you for being here....being here with me, and for...for being you. I appreciate what you....what you do for me very much" brown eyes showing the sincerity of their words, leaning down to wrap her arms around Vera and pull her close, resting her chin on her shoulder.  
"I read a quote the other day and it reminded me of you. It said It takes billions of people to complete the world, but it only take you to complete me. It's so true, I'd be truly lost without you" Vera said lovingly squeezing Joan's waist, her head resting against Joan's.  
"I love you" Joan whispered, closing her eyes, smiling to herself at Vera's words.


	33. Chapter 33

"What are you doing, what's happening?" Vera asked, the older woman covering her eyes with her hands whilst Vera stood at the sink having drunk a glass of water.  
"Just come with me" Joan answered. "But you're not allowed to look, ok?".  
Turning them both around Joan guided them through the kitchen and to the stairs, pausing at the bottom.  
"We're at the bottom of the stairs, I'm going to keep my hands over your eyes and carefully walk up behind you, take your time so you don't trip" not wanting Vera to fall.  
Vera nodded, having no clue what was happening but going along with whatever was planned for her.  
They'd both got back to Joan's from work a couple of hours ago, the older woman disappearing upstairs after dinner, Vera relaxing on the sofa, dozing for a short while before waking up and finding Joan still upstairs, maybe she had some work to do or something, not thinking much of it as she made her way to get a glass of water from the fridge, something about the medication being prescribed made her seem more thirsty than normal, not to mention all the other glorious, like fuck they were glorious, horrific was a more appropriate word to describe them, symptoms that she seemed to be still experiencing.  
Still this seemed to leave Joan undeterred in sorting and managing whatever problems were going on in the prison and then to come back home and take care of whatever needed to be done at home and to help Vera too.  
It'd been a couple of months since Vera had told Joan about her Hep C still being present and needing further treatment, in this time she'd spent near enough every night at Joan's house. The older woman insisting that she stay here, because she was going to look after her fully, provide whatever Vera needed down to the small details.  
And she'd been doing just this.  
By god had she.  
Clothes had been collected from the deputy's house, so many so that Joan had made a special space in her dressing room wardrobes specifically for Vera's things, her shoes all neatly on the built in shoe shelves alongside her clothes.  
Never had she had a space in someone else's wardrobe for her own things, her own space in their house. And to be given this space, especially in Joan's house made it all the more special, Joan had given her this, wanted her things with hers, their things together.

 

Reaching the top of the stairs Joan guided them along the corridor, turning them into her bedroom.  
"What's that smell?" Vera asked, detecting what she thought was a floral scent.  
"You'll see in a moment, patience" Joan replied, unable to help smile at the younger woman's seeming eagerness to find out what was happening.  
"Patience for what, what's going on Joan?".  
Saying nothing else the older woman paused them both in her en suite bathroom, taking one final glance at her work and nodding to herself.  
"Ok, I'm going remove my hands now and let you see" she replied, gently lifting her hands from Vera's face, the deputy's eyes flickering open, adjusting to the dimmed lighting and surroundings, before widening at the sight that greeted her.  
There before her was a sight she'd never seen before and didn't think she ever would.  
The large or should that be huge corner bath was three quarters full with water, bubbles on the surface, the white suds dotted with red roses petals floating on the top.  
All along the edge of the tiled bath tub were many candles flickering softly, each one with a little space between them highlighting the water and the room itself.  
A small bunch of roses in a vase on one corner on the bath, fluffy white towels draped on the heated towel rail, a couple of wine glasses with a bubbly liquid in not far from the taps three quarters of the way up the bath.  
"It's...it's.." Vera started, half turning to glance up at Joan, her eyes shining with tears, this detail causing Joan to frown a little.  
"Are you ok? Don't you like it? Would you have preferred something else? Different flowers? Somewhere else, out maybe..." being stopped mid sentence by Vera shaking her head, drawing the long arms of Joan around her waist and turning in said arms, looking up at Joan.  
"It's all so thoughtful of you, no one has ever done this kind of thing for me before, no one" a smile over her lips, this then causing Joan to smile and gently kiss her lips.  
"Shall we get in?" Joan said, watching Vera nod before the taller woman steadily removed Vera's clothes and then her own, helping her into the bath and to sit down, after which she herself got in, sliding her long legs either side of Vera's, pulling the younger woman back against her, and cuddling close, smiling at Vera relaxing into her arms.  
"Here you are" the older woman offering Vera a glass of champagne, she'd read that while a excessive amount of alcohol wasn't good for people with Hep C a glass of champagne wasn't going to harm her.  
"That's lovely" Vera remarked after she took a sip of the bubbly liquid, glancing behind her at Joan.  
"Only the best for you" Joan smiled, taking another sip herself.  
How anyone hasn't done this kind of thing for her before I've no idea.  
It's not that hard to treat her properly, treat her well.  
She deserves it all.  
No one deserves it more.  
With their empty glasses back on the side of the bath, Vera allowed herself to relax back in her girlfriends arms, loving the feel of their skin on skin contact, Joan's breasts against her upper back, her arms laying over the top of Joan's.

 

"Joan?".  
"Hmm?"  
Taking one of Joan's hands in hers she slid it down her stomach, under the water, resting it between her legs, causing a murmur from the woman behind her.  
"Are you sure?" Joan asked, to which Vera nodded, this nod turning into soft moans at the feel of long fingers sliding the length of her lips up to but not quite touching her clit and then back down again, repeating this several times, coupled with Joan's kisses on her neck.  
"I..I need you" she moaned, her hips starting to rock at the sensation, reaching an arm up and behind her to wind round Joan's neck, bringing their lips together, tongues brushing together.  
Feeling Vera's tongue and the motion of her hips, Joan's body reacted instantly and she began grinding against Vera's bum.  
Another slide of her fingers along Vera's lips and she was unable to help herself slip two fingers inside the younger woman, groaning at the feeling of the tight and warm walls surrounding her digits, Vera herself letting out a long groan at being filled, her pants getting more erratic on Joan's thumb brushing her clit, round and round, then this way and that, the sensitive nub being made more so by the water they were sat in.  
"Oh god Joan...d..don't stop...please" she moaned at the thrusting fingers within her, the arm that had been around Joan's neck now at her side, her hand grabbing a strong thigh that sat next to her smaller one.  
"I won't" Joan murmured into her ear, the older woman's face burying into Vera's neck, a moan escaping as a small hand moved in between their bodies, a thumb rubbing her clit.  
Vera's thumb.  
God it feels good.  
I've missed it.  
Missed her touch on me.  
Her skilful, soft, small hands.  
Those hands that know just where to touch me.  
How to hold me.  
What I like.  
How I like it.  
The only person who has.  
The only person who ever will.  
Two pairs of hips were rocking in the bath causing the water to swish and swirl in the tub, hands working at a more increased pace, moans permeating the already humid atmosphere, sweat beads illuminating brows, eyes closed at the sensations rapidly taking over their bodies.  
With her fingers as deep as they could reach, Joan stroked that sweet spot she knew Vera loved, that ribbed patch of such tender skin that drove the other woman into ecstasy, the spot that once again caused the small frame to shake and pant, her back arching against Joan, blue eyes nowhere to be seen once they'd closed, crying out Joan's name as she came. This seemingly enough, with also the thumb of Vera against her own clit to cause Joan to grunt and then moan out her own release, her breathing heavy against the neck of the woman in her arms, a warm, relaxed feeling sweeping over her, her heart drumming in her chest as it always did when Vera elicited that heady and overwhelming rush throughout her body, the figure against her chest also panting her breathing back to normal, feeling somewhat limp in her embrace.  
"I've missed this" Vera whispered into the silence, loving the feeling of laying against Joan, the secure arms back around her in the last few minutes, snuggling back against them, her hand over the top of Joan's.  
Joan smiled at the comment, her cheek against Vera's hair.  
"So have I" she whispered back, and she had, but considering the amount of discomfort, pain and fatigue she'd seen Vera suffer, there was no way she was going to add to this burden the last few months by complaining or mentioning that they'd not had sex, knowing the younger woman would have well aware of this fact without Joan highlighting it any further, making Vera feel guilty, or maybe that should be more guilty than she no doubt already did.  
Vera smiled to herself, closing her eyes again, just enjoying the closeness of them both.

 

I've missed this between us so much.  
Missed having this closeness with her.  
The way she knows how to hold me, to touch me, to turn me on.  
Fuck does she do that.  
Every time.  
Every single time.  
Those hands, lips, that body, all of her.  
"Vera?".  
"Yeah".  
Joan swallowed lightly, opening her eyes to take a look at the woman in her arms, those blue eyes closed, her breathing steady and calm, looking so peaceful.  
Her Vera.  
"I erm...I've been wanting to put something to you".  
"Hmm, what's that?".  
"Well I...I've been thinking, thinking that...that...that I feel things are going rather well, between you and I, and that well...well maybe...maybe it's right to ask you the thing I'd like to ask you" stumbling over her words, the saliva evaporating in her mouth, nerves bubbling up as she spoke, all manner of outcomes going through her head.  
"Joan, your hands are shaking" opening her eyes and watching the larger hands of the other woman tremble. "What is it, what do you want to ask me? Is everything ok?" suddenly concerned about what she might be waiting to tell her.  
"I...I hope so" trying but failing to stop both her hands and voice from trembling. "I...wanted...wanted, well not wanted but...yes wanted.." pausing to steady herself and her now thumping heart.  
Come on Joan.  
Come on.  
Calm down and just ask.  
If you don't ask then you'll never know.  
And that will be worse than asking and actually having an answer.  
The pair of you are alone.  
No audience.  
No one else in this room.  
So come on.  
Take a breath.  
Breathe.  
And ask her.

 

"I...I wanted to ask you whether...whether you'd considering, erm....moving...coming to live with me....here...here in my house, which would then well...be our house. I understand if you don't want to and that's perfectly acceptable if you don't and..." lips against hers stopping her speaking, small arms encircling her neck and deepening the kiss, a soft tongue grazing over every part of the older woman's mouth making her sigh into Vera's mouth.  
"I'd love nothing more" Vera smiled widely, shuffling in the water so she was now sat on Joan's lap, legs either side of her hips, gazing into her eyes.  
Brown eyes flickered over the entirety of the face in front of her, settling back on sea blue eyes.  
"Really?".  
Again Vera nodded in confirmation.  
"Really" leaning forward and touching noses with Joan, this simple action bringing a wide grin to the older woman's face.  
"Wow" this answer causing Vera to give a little giggle.  
"You are wow yes" she answered quickly, the sharp answer making Joan chuckle and shake her head, still touching foreheads with the woman on her lap.  
"Are you definitely sure, I understand if it's too much or you.." again she was stopped, only this time it was by Vera's index finger on her lips.  
"Shhh. I'm definitely sure, to be able to wake up to this face every morning, to fall asleep in these arms every night, to share this wonderful house with you, the mere fact I can call you mine and that you've asked me such a life changing question, no one else, but me, is well....mind blowing, something I could have only dreamed of, even then I don't think it would have quite equalled this right now. This right here, right now, with you. Believe me when I say there's no one on this earth that could rival you, no one could make me feel the way you do, no one" her hands cupping Joan's face with her hands, looking deep into her eyes. "I love you so much" gently thumbing a tear that rolled down Joan's cheek, placing a tender kiss there instead, releasing the older woman's face, her arms embracing her instead, holding her close, feeling Joan nuzzle into her neck.  
"I...I've...I've never loved anyone like I...like I love you" came the whisper from Joan, liking the feel of Vera's fingers through her hair.  
"Let's get in bed so I can hold you" Vera whispered back, to which Joan nodded.  
With both of them out of the bath and led in bed, Vera beckoned Joan over as she led on her back, the other woman resting her head on the smaller woman's shoulder, an arm draped over her toned stomach, feeling the fingers of one of Vera's hand stroking through her hair and above her eyebrow, smiling as Joan's frame grew heavier on hers, a sign she was falling asleep.  
"Other people throughout the world might have fancy cars, lots of money, big houses, yachts, designer clothes, jewellery, these kind of things, but I've something all the money in the world could never ever buy. I've got you" placing a tender kiss on the soundly sleeping woman's forehead, content to lay and watch Joan sleep for a while.


	34. Chapter 34

"Is that it now?" Joan asked, placing the final cardboard box on the wooden floor just inside her front door, which was now their front door.  
"Yeah that's it, I don't really have that many things, not important things anyway, things I actually want to keep" Vera replied, her eyes looking around at the few boxes that littered the floor, not a lot compared to what some people might have.  
I suppose that's another thing me and her have in common.  
Both don't have that many material possessions.  
I might have a few more than her but not lots more.  
Not that I need them, not now.  
Maybe we can get some more together then they'd be ours.  
I like saying that ours.  
Mine and hers.  
Together.  
Her and I.  
Wandering her eyes over the contents of the boxes Vera's settled on a brown oval of fluffy material sticking out from the side, bending down she shuffled some of the other items out of the way, revealing the faded and slightly shabby looking bunny.  
Joan watched her, the way she was standing there looking over the small stuffed animal in her hands, how careful she was with it, observing it, running her fingers over it, smoothing the fur.

 

"Hoppy" Vera said, half turning to Joan beside her. "My bunny from when I was little, think I got her as a present off my grandma when I was about one. My mum didn't bother buying me things like this, didn't see the point in them and why I should have them but grandma did, she said I took her everywhere, wouldn't be happy unless Hoppy came too. When...when she died, I...I was so sad, especially because of the situation between mum and I, but then when I looked at Hoppy it was like grandma was still with me, still watching over me and I've never not had Hoppy, I couldn't ever part with her, no matter how old or shabby looking, or whatever else people might say about her" smoothing the fur around the animals beady eyes gently.  
Moving over to the younger woman, Joan put her arm around her shoulders from behind, holding her against her, just watching her with the stuffed animal.  
I can't believe how cruel her mother was with her.  
When she was older is one thing and bad, but to exact this treatment on a small, innocent child is just beyond belief.  
How dare she treat her this way.  
The older woman's jaw tensing a little at the anger she felt at the thought of someone being cruel to Vera, wishing she could've done more and been there to protect her, but vowing now no one would ever hurt her again, not with her around.  
"I'll just take these boxes upstairs to the spare room and then we'll have a nice dinner hm?" softly kissing the side of Vera's head, releasing her arm around her, picking a couple of the boxes from the floor and carrying them upstairs, Vera watched on and then moved through the kitchen and to the sliding back doors, opening one of them and stepping out, still carrying Hoppy, the sun shining high in the sky, moving to sit on one of the chairs around the large grey patio table.

 

Leaning forward she studied the rabbit in her hands, the way it still looked like how she always had and always will remember, she couldn't ever part with it, or not bring it with her now she'd moved.  
Moved.  
Moved here.  
With Joan.  
Into her house.  
Now their house.  
Her eyes lifting from the stuffed animal to the garden, around the four corners of it, taking in the various plants and flowers, then to the back of the house, the shiny windows that seemed to gleam like jewels in the sun, in through the sliding doors and how the kitchen was pristine, show home like.  
This now being her home.  
She lived here.  
Joan had asked her.  
Had asked her.  
Vera Bennett.  
But was it right?  
Did she actually deserve it?  
What if she didn't?  
If she didn't deserve any of it.  
That Joan realised she wasn't worth it.  
That her Hep C made her unworthy.  
That Joan would realise this.  
Then kick her out.  
Leave her alone.  
With such thoughts filling her mind Vera buried her hands in her face, tears starting down her cheeks, becoming overwhelmed by the last few days.

 

Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Joan glanced around for the other woman, not seeing her in the living room, moving through the kitchen and pausing at the open door, a frown suddenly appearing when she saw the small frame of Vera hunched over the patio table, her body shaking as she cried.  
"Vera, what is it? What's the matter?" concern in her tone at the upset from the woman in front of her, pulling a chair round to sit next to her.  
"I..I just...do I actually deserve this?" she mumbled through her tears, not showing her face.  
Joan's frown deepened.  
"Deserve what exactly, I don't understand?".  
"Th...This, being here in this house with you, surrounded by all these nice things" she replied, sniffing as she cried.  
What’s all this about?  
Her doubting being here?  
Her worthiness of being here?  
Her awful mother creeping into the sensitive psyche of hers.  
Telling her she's not worthy of nice things.  
To be looked after.  
To be loved.

 

Gently putting her hands over the smaller ones of Vera's, Joan peeled them off the crying woman's face, revealing her red eyes and cheeks, marked wet by tears, holding her hands as she looked into her eyes.  
"Is this what you think, that you don't deserve them, is what your mother used to tell you affecting you too a little?" Vera giving another sniffle, her bottom lip trembling as she gave a little nod.  
"She....she, she said I wasn't allowed nice things, that I didn't deserve them, that I'd not earned them, that no one liked me from being a little girl and it was no wonder I'd grown up and was still single and on my own, because I was useless and who would want me because...because well...well look at me" her eyes looking down to her yellow, floaty, summer dress clad figure that had gotten that bit thinner these past few months with how ill she'd felt, but this had no way impacted or affected how the older woman felt about her, if anything it was the opposite, brown eyes following blue ones down over her body and then back up to look at her.  
"I've looked and I see nothing different than the beautiful woman I've always seen" the words making Vera's face crease and tears start up again, dipping her head in front of Joan, her body shaking. "Come here to me, shhh" Joan soothed, releasing their hands to wrap her arms around the other woman, easily lifting her to sit into her lap, holding her flush against her body, one arm securely around her waist, the other cradling her head on her shoulder, feeling small hands holding fistfuls of the round neck t shirt she was wearing.

 

"What your mother told you wasn't true in any way, she didn't appreciate you and give you the proper encouragement and nurturing you needed, parents are meant to encourage and build you up, not destroy your young sense of self, the fact she didn't see what a kind, beautiful, sensitive, funny, wonderful person you are, well that's her loss, a big loss, and my....the biggest gain for me" squeezing Vera to her. "You deserve everything that is here, the house, everything you've brought to it, what's already here, everything you've got and I've got and so much more besides. If I could allow you to see yourself as I see you,through my eyes, then maybe you'd be able to begin to understand how so very precious you are to me and...and how much...how much I love you. Until that becomes humanly possible a feat, then maybe....maybe you might have to start just believing me some more, accepting that yes you do deserve to be here and all this here is now yours, I wanted you here, hence me asking you. You know....you know I'm not the kind of person to have just anyone in my home, let alone ask someone to move in with me, to make it our home, but you...you're not just anyone, especially not to me".  
Hearing the crying calm at her words, Vera raised her head to look at Joan, brown eyes smiling softly at her.  
"You...you still find me attractive?" rubbing her nose, her eyes shining with shed tears, looking to the older woman.

 

Joan brushed the remaining tears that sat on her cheeks with the pads of her thumbs, her large hands cradling Vera's face.  
"Of course I do, I'll never stop finding you attractive, you're the most beautiful creature I've ever seen, you don't ever need to doubt my attraction to you. Every time I look and watch you there's another little thing or quirk I see that I find adorable, but I'll never stop telling you or reminding you of this, everyday if I have to, until it starts to be something that what you've been told in your past is not even a faint echo in your mind. I know your loss of weight through you being unwell effects you, but that can be and is being rectified with your treatment and getting better, slowly bringing your appetite and strength back. Believe me when I say you're perfect to me, and I wouldn't change any facet of you, because then you wouldn't be you".  
On hearing the words Vera closed her eyes, resting her face into Joan's hands, the older woman's thumbs stroking her cheeks.  
I feel beautiful when I'm with her.  
She makes me feel like no one can hurt me and that there's no one better than me.  
Sometimes I have a wobble and doubt myself due to my past, but then she holds me or looks at me, says a few words to me and I instantly know she's being honest, speaking her feelings, her feelings about me.  
How she loves me.  
What she feels and thinks of me.  
How she thinks I'm beautiful and finds me attractive, only has eyes for me.  
Exactly the same way I only have eyes for her and think she's the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen.  
My Joan.

 

Parting her eyelashes, her sea blue eyes opening to look at her girlfriend, Vera was met with Joan's gaze on her, her arms laying over Joan's strong shoulders crossing behind her neck, the governor dropping her hands and arms to be around Vera's waist.  
"Thank you" she whispered softly.  
"What for?" Joan asked, smiling at her.  
"For always reassuring me, for putting my mind at ease, calming me, and for making me feel beautiful" Eskimo kissing Joan.  
Joan's smile widened at the gesture.  
"That's because you are, don't you ever think differently" capturing Vera's lips in a soft kiss, the younger woman's hands threading into the dark and silver streaked tresses of Joan, loving the softness. "And I for one am looking forward to being able too see this beautiful face every day after work, this makes me feel very fortunate" she murmured against the kiss, feeling Vera's lips curve into a smile.  
"I'm the lucky one" Vera said, Joan shook her head.  
"I am".  
"No me"  
"I am" the older woman said.  
"Nope I am" Vera replied, rising from Joan's lap and picking up the rabbit from the table, the governor raising her eyebrow at the action.  
"Going somewhere Vera?".  
"I might be, I maybe going upstairs, but just to say....I'm still the luckiest" she smirked, watching Joan rising from the chair.  
"No, I am" Joan smiled back. "I might have to take you in hand to get you to change your mind".  
Vera shook her head.  
"You'll have to catch me first" she replied, setting off in a run towards the house, giving a playful squeal and giggle as she half turned to see Joan in pursuit of her, both women running into the house, through the kitchen and up the stairs, Joan not far behind Vera, heading for the bedroom to begin the task of unpacking Vera's belongings, kisses and cuddling no doubt being a factor of why it might take them that little bit longer than expected to fully move the deputy into their house, not that either woman deemed this a problem, the very opposite in fact.


	35. Chapter 35

"But that's what you asked for, it's what you said you wanted to eat" Joan replied frowning at Vera who was sat across from her at the dining table, the half eaten meal on her plate being pushed around with her fork, Joan's frown deepening, her lip twitching at the scrape of the metal against the china of the plate.  
"I know and it's lovely, it really is, you cook the most delicious food" looking up to Joan and giving a half smile and then looking back down at the food again.  
What is going on here?  
She likes the food but isn't smiling properly.  
Says I cook well but has only half eaten the meal.  
I cook what she asks for but then doesn't eat it.  
I'm confused and slightly worried.  
She's been this way for a couple of days now.  
I didn't think much of it at first, but now this behaviour is worrying me.  
Especially when she's not given much in terms of thoughts away.  
Not given much away at all.  
"Vera talk to me, what is all this, what's the matter?".  
"Nothing Joan...nothing" she replied bluntly, suddenly rising from her chair and carrying the plate over to the sink.  
Ok now there's definitely something going on.  
She seems tense, a little on edge.  
Like something is building.  
Bubbling underneath.  
Simmering inside of her.

 

"Vera..." coming behind the smaller woman, her large hands smoothing over small shoulders, down her arms and then around her waist, her head resting against her deputies.  
"Tell me, tell me what's wrong, you can tell me anything, anything at all, you know you can" she whispered reassuringly.  
Vera sighed, leaning back into the embrace, the embrace that had it all, made her feel safe, by the hell did it make her feel safe, those strong arms wrapped around her, wrapping around her body making her feel secure, that nothing or no one could hurt her.  
"It's just...it's..it's a bit..bit embarrassing. I just...I want to" taking a minute to gather herself, trying again. "At the beginning of my treatment I didn't want to...didn't want anyone touching me, or have much interest in sex, but since...since the treatment, the new treatment anyway, lately I've felt myself, felt myself getting more...more.." sighing again in frustration at trying but failing to explain herself to Joan.  
"You mean wanting more of this" Joan offered, moving her head and starting to kiss Vera's neck, her hands stroking over Vera's toned stomach, the smaller woman moving her neck to allow Joan more access.  
Moving her kisses to the other side of Vera's neck, one of Joan's hands slipped into Vera's lounge pants, cupping her over her knickers, feeling the heat and wetness radiating off of her, the feeling making Joan smile to herself, Vera groaning at the touch.  
Saying nothing Joan released her lips from Vera's neck, turning the smaller woman round to be facing her, leaning down once again and capturing her lips, pulling Vera into her, their tongues coming together making both women moan into the kiss. A hand once again left Vera's hip, dragging her lounge pants and knickers down the legs of the other woman, pooling them at her ankles, the older woman breaking the kiss to follow the path of the garments at Vera's feet, suddenly hitching one of the smaller woman's legs over her shoulder, making her legs automatically spread, dark brown eyes looking up into blue.  
Silently Joan trailed her tongue over Vera's slit, from the bottom to the top, pausing just before making contact with her clit, the action causing Vera to moan, closing her eyes and gripping onto the work surface behind her, an ache building between her legs. Smiling at the reaction Joan repeated her action, gaining a slightly louder moan this time, the scent of Vera's arousal filling her flared nostrils, this arousal glistening on her tongue.  
"J...Joan please, I...I need..y.." her sentence being cut short by the older woman driving her tongue deep inside the woman in front of her, the entrance an easy one given how wet Vera was, something that always pleased Joan to see, pleased her that she was able to elitist this reaction and arousal in Vera from simply kissing her neck and touching her, being close to her, wanting her.

 

With a leg over her shoulder, Joan palmed Vera's ass, pulling Vera into her mouth even more, upping the pace of her tongue, as she brushed her thumb over the now swollen and sensitive nub that was Vera's clit, the gentle touch enough to entice more louder moans from the deputy, her hips bucking with vigour into the older woman's face, faster with each thrust of Joan's tongue, each brush of her thumb.  
How she seems to know what I want.  
How from me pushing food around my plate.  
To me walking into the kitchen and now this.  
By god she knows what to do.  
What to do to me.  
What I want.  
What I like.  
What makes me feel good.  
And by god does it make me feel good, so good.  
I've missed this so much.  
This spontaneity.  
This passion.  
These feelings.  
Oh god these feelings.  
So so good.  
She's so good.  
One hand knuckle deep in thick, dark and silver flecked tresses, hips pounding into an eager and skilled tongue, mouth and thumb, Vera's back arching, her opposite hands knuckles white as she gripped the surface behind her trying not to end up on the floor as a powerful orgasm swept over her body, loud moans of satisfaction, calling out Joan's name, definitely satisfaction but also more besides, it was heavenly, that's what it was, being catapulted to a higher plane, a higher plane that Vera had missed very much, a plane that only Joan could take her too, no one else but Joan.  
The moans and pleasure of Vera still lingering on her lips and tongue, Joan slowly got to her feet, her arms around a trembling Vera, looking down to see blue eyes full of what were they..tears?

 

"Hey now, what's the matter?" Joan said softly, her brown eyes searching the smaller woman's face, freeing one of her hands to cup Vera's cheek for a moment, watching Vera lean into her hand, a couple of tears rolling down the pretty face in front of her. The younger woman saying nothing as she leaned forward and rested her head on Joan's chest, holding onto Joan's t shirt, closing her eyes, letting the tears come. "Shhhh, what's all this eh?" becoming that little bit concerned at Vera getting upset.  
"N...Nothing bad, I just....I just feel emotional because, because it's hit me how much...how much I've missed this, missed being this close to you, having you...you touch me, making me feel good" she mumbled into Joan's chest, feeling the soothing hand of the older woman on her back, then a kiss on the top of her head.  
"I've missed it too, but given the circumstances and how poorly you've been it didn't feel right to add anymore pressure and worry onto your shoulders in regards to talking about these matters, especially when I had an idea of how you were feeling about it in the beginning. You had enough to worry about and think about in getting better, getting stronger, without this being a worry too. To me it wasn't a worry, not like that because I knew that once things settled down, and you began to feel better that would all follow just like before, and I'm not just with you because of that, quite the opposite, there's so much more than that, so much more to you, much more to...to us, hmm?" feeling a nod against her chest, cries that were more frequent a few minutes ago, now calming and ceasing, Vera moving her head to look up at the Governor.  
Vera gave a little nod. "Yes there is" a hand reaching up to stroke Joan's cheek, the older woman smiling at the gesture, feeling her head being tilted down to meet the other woman's lips, Vera also using her fist in Joan's t shirt to pull them together, deepening the kiss. "You are so beautiful, it's not even funny. You're stunning" Vera murmured and smiled against the kiss. "Especially dressed in your house clothes, especially then" her smile being mirrored by the older woman, it's true Joan was stunning, handsome too, Vera could honestly say she'd never seen a more attractive woman in her life, Joan Ferguson was that woman, the pinnacle, the one, the only one.  
Parting from the kiss both women gazed at each other, Vera reaching a hand round to touch Joan's ass.  
"And you've got a nice bum too, I very nice one" Vera smirked, feeling Joan shiver and blush, no one having said anything about her bum before, let alone a woman she was in love with.  
"Joan?".  
"Yes Vera?".  
"Can we go to bed and have a snuggle, a naked snuggle" catching Joan's eyes as she spoke, just wanting to convey how much she wanted to be close to her girlfriend.  
Joan smiled at the suggestion, seeing the look in Vera's eyes. "Of course we can" in one swift movement she'd scooped Vera off her feet and into her arms, making her way out of the kitchen and up the stairs, both women slipping under the covers, Vera resting her head on Joan's shoulder, the older woman led on her back, stroking her hand through Vera's hair, Vera stroking her fingertips down Joan's right arm, her eyes taking in the skin, the different freckles and age spots on there, the way it caught the light from the bedside lamp on Joan's side of the bed, even though Joan was older than she was it didn't take away how good she looked, how fit and well she'd kept herself, how good she looked for her age, not many women could claim to look as good as she could at her age, not like Joan did, no one could like Joan did.

 

"Joan?".  
"Hmm?" her eyes closed, enjoying laying with the woman she loved, just holding her and having Vera close to her.  
"We're both on the early shift tomorrow and we've no plans for the afternoon have we".  
"Not that I'm aware of Vera no, why?".  
"I'd like to take you out, out to dinner, if you'd like that?" Vera pausing her hand on Joan's arm, feeling Joan thinking about her suggestion.  
"You don't have to do that Vera".  
"I know I don't but I'd like to, because of my illness and me not feeling well we've not been able to go out together for quite a while, now I'm feeling better than I have for a while I'd like us to go out together, for me to take you out, nothing too much just the two of us out for a nice meal, me taking you out, please Joan?" the younger woman's tone projecting how much she wanted to take her out, Joan opening her eyes to gaze down at the hopeful blue eyes looking back up at her. "Let me take you out hmm?" her hand from Joan's arm cupping her cheek.  
Joan couldn't help but smile.  
How can I not smile at those big blue eyes.  
That beautiful face and features looking back at me.  
This wondrous creature that's somehow mine.  
Who wants to take me out to dinner.  
Not anyone else but me.  
How could I refuse that.  
I can't and I wouldn't.  
Not her.  
Never her.  
My Vera.  
Joan nodded at the offer. "Ok then, we'll go out tomorrow after work, thank you" leaning down for another kiss with the woman in her arm, Vera's thumb stroking her cheek as they did so.  
"I love you so much" Vera whispered breaking their kiss to look into Joan's eyes again, her thumb now brushing over Joan's bottom lip tenderly. "Thank you for all you do for me" watching the older woman kiss her thumb, then lean down and kiss the tip of her nose.  
"Those things I do because I love you too, very much" a kiss then was placed on Vera's forehead, Joan cuddling Vera flush against her body, her arms protectively around her, feeling the woman in her arms rest her head back on her shoulder, Vera's arms tucked in between their bodies, relaxing even more as Joan stroked her hair and temple, a wide smile over Joan's face at the evenings events.


	36. Chapter 36

Getting all dressed up for a date.  
Because that's what is it.  
What people call it.  
What they label it.  
All the time and effort that goes into it.  
The preparation.  
The decisions.  
The time.  
The indecisions.  
The fine details.  
Wondering what the other person thinks.  
If they'll like it?  
If they'll not?  
Just a few of the many thoughts that had been making their way around Joan's head as she'd got ready for Vera taking her out tonight, her attention being diverted every so often at the sight of the smaller woman across the bedroom in her body fitting, low cut, sky blue dress, which she dressed up with matching heels and accessories, her hair loose on her shoulders and her makeup natural, every inch of her being wandered over by the dark eyes of the older woman, unable it seemed to help herself.  
Who could blame me, look at her.  
Look how beautiful she is.  
She's the most perfect, beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.  
She's perfect.  
"You look...you look so stunning Joan" Vera said looking up from the foot of the stairs as the older woman came down them, her long legs wearing loose fitting black trousers and a v neck, cap sleeved, loose fitting grey blouse that plunged at her chest to show a hint of that fine cleavage she had, her dark hair flowing down and framing her face, the silver streaks outlining her handsome features, a long necklace draping down her front, smokey makeup, and peep toe heels finishing the carefully chosen and put together outfit, it being obvious she wanted to look her best to go out with her girlfriend.  
"T..Thank you Vera" dipping her eyes shyly to the clutch bag in her hand and then back to the other woman. "You look beautiful yourself, that blue shade really brings the blue out in your eyes".  
Vera smiled at this. "Thank you Joan" she thought Joan might like the shade of the dress and it might suit her too. "Taxi's here, right on time" on hearing the beep of a car horn outside.  
"Where are we going again?" Joan asked when they'd gotten into the car, still having not been told by Vera.  
"I told you, it's a surprise, you'll have to wait and see won't you" she smiled, Joan had tried a few times to find out but she was determined not to tell her anything, wanting it to be a surprise, even if Joan didn't like surprises, well certain surprises anyway, she wanted this to be a nice surprise she did like.

 

Making their way through the city to their destination, Joan frowned as she looked out the window, trying to find any clue as to where they could be going, seen as it was the city it could be anywhere, actually anywhere.  
"Here we are" Vera announced, handing the money over to the driver and saying he could keep the change, getting out of the taxi and closing the door, Joan following suit.  
"Here where, we've not gone anywhere, just into the city?" the older woman frowned, puzzled as she stood on the pavement, the taxi pulling away.  
"Here" Vera repeated, turning the both of them to the view of the building next to them, the small entrance into the tall skyscraper type building squashed between the buildings at either side of it. "In there, come on" taking the larger hand in hers and walking to the door.  
Once in the building they walked across the shiny tiled floor of the reception and entered the lift, Vera pressing the buttons so they were heading all the way to the top floor, a puzzled Joan still none the wiser as to where exactly they were going.  
After a few minutes ride the lift doors opened and they stepped out, Vera leading the way to the double doors a few metres away.  
"This way, it's right here".  
"What is, I don't understand..." cutting her own sentence off as she stepped inside the restaurant Vera had chosen, her eyes immediately taking in her lush surroundings.  
Red spotlights were flashed across the ceiling, a red band of lights around the edge of the ceiling itself, an edging of lights of sorts. A flurry of tables with black table cloths, plush black fabric cushioned chairs, sparkling silver cutlery and white china plates, with the addition of a cream candle in the middle were across the floor to ceiling windowed dining room that overlooked the entire city, some set out for couples, some for bigger parties, the massive windows giving you a 360 view all around you from every angle of the restaurant, the city lit up in every colour your eyes could see, the carpet a charcoal colour with a light yellow line graphic pattern on it finishing the modern and boutique style look.  
With Joan still taking her surroundings in, Vera gave her name to the head waiter and walked with the older woman through the other diners and tables, to the table she'd booked, one right next to the window, for just the two of them, overlooking the city, being seated by him and offering them each a wine and drinks menu to look over for a few minutes.  
"What do you think?" she asked, putting the menu down to be able to see Joan's reaction.  
Well that was a question to ask considering the place they were in.  
And what a place.  
An expensive one from looking at the menu.  
But what a place.  
Not too noisy or busy.  
The atmosphere bustling but friendly.  
The view was just amazing and the fact it was night time added to this view.  
And the company sat across from her.  
Well.  
It was definitely the best.  
The best woman to walk this earth.  
Vera Bennett.

 

"It's...it's wonderful, truly wonderful, I've never been to a place like it before" she smiled, the fact Vera had picked such an ideal and outstanding restaurant for them to come didn't surprise her, not at all, she knew Joan so well and what she liked and didn't like, this place was ideal for them both and the views from their seats were spectacular, talk about a lit up cityscape at night, it's nothing that either of them had ever seen before, especially not Joan, it was more than the older woman could have imagined.  
Vera smiled happily at the answer, the kind of reaction she was hoping for, something she'd missed seeing on Joan's face, especially when it was she who'd helped put it there.  
"I'm glad you like it, you can have anything you like tonight, it's my treat, so don't be worrying or looking at prices or anything, just pick whatever you like, I've got the bill" wanting them to have a good night together and for her to treat Joan, the older woman had done a lot for her over the past couple of months and she'd missed spending this time with her, going on dates and having fun, things they'd done before she'd started the new treatment and felt poorly, wanting to get things back to how they'd been.  
With drinks ordered not long after and then both women deciding on the food they wanted, Vera pushed her chair back from the table, starting to get up, Joan's eyes following her as she did so, Vera looking back at her.  
"I'm just nipping to the toilet, be right back" she smiled, moving from the table and disappearing in the opposite direction to the toilets, Joan watching her go and then looking back to gaze at the city from the window, sipping her wine.  
"I want you to close your eyes for me" the sudden whisper in Joan's ear five or so minutes later from behind, causing Joan to jump having not expected it, it being the voice of Vera. "Are they closed?" seeing a nod from the woman in front of her, and checking that they were in the windows reflection.  
This was followed by a slight bit of rustling and then it ceased, Joan frowning at just what was happening and what to expect when she eventually opened her eyes.  
"Ok, you can open them now" seeing brown eyes slowly be revealed to her, as she now stood beside the older woman.  
With her lashes parted, her eyes widened that bit more on the vision in front of her, Vera stood holding a generous size bouquet of white roses, not dissimilar to the ones she'd been given by the other woman all those months ago when she'd gone around for dinner at her house, the first 'clue' she'd given to Joan about her feelings.  
"I...I wanted to get you something, something with meaning, and these seem to fit so well into that and for tonight too. Only this time things are different, a good different, a happy different, the most happy I've ever been, thanks to you, and I'm now able to express these feelings to you and know that you feel them back to me, also to show you physically how I feel and that, being able to do that, with you, is so wonderful" handing the bouquet over to Joan, the older woman taken aback by the thoughtful gesture, biting down on her tongue on feeling herself tear up."I love you" she whispered, gently touching her lips to Joan's, stroking her cheek with her thumb on exchanging a soft kiss and then sitting back down.  
"Thank you Vera, thank you, this is such a thoughtful gift, they're wonderful flowers, wonderful" smiling across at her companion as she put the flowers down carefully beside her chair in their water bag, totally surprised by the gift she'd been given, not expecting anything at all, thinking they were just coming out for a dinner date together.  
The waiter joined them a short time later to serve them their food, Joan taken aback by how professional and high end it was presented, not ever having had a place of food served to her like this before, most of her life she'd eaten at home, alone, her own pre prepared meals being her go to option and never one for going out to places for food, this changing when she started spending time with the younger woman, Vera slowly starting to open her world up to going out to places for food and drinks, wanting to spend time with Joan and take her out, memories of their first ever time of going out for food together and this being followed by their first kiss, Vera admitting she wanted to kiss her and then actually doing it, what a first kiss it was, the best kiss Joan could say she'd ever had, by the most wonderful woman she'd ever known too, the way Vera held her and threaded her fingers through her hair, being gentle and tender with her, just the way she continued to be with her patience and understanding, something Joan hadn't been used to before, the opposite in fact.

 

The woman that now sat across from her, steadily eating the food she'd ordered, blue eyes focused on cutting up the different items on the plate, but every so often they looked up and across to her, her face breaking into a smile, a smile for Joan, and only for Joan, one that Joan returned in earnest, trying to convey all kinds of emotions that she was feeling right at that very moment, these emotions that her girlfriend had brought out of her, brought to the surface and given life too, given her the chance to reconnect with after decades of being stuffed down, never acted upon, never given the chance to express and definitely not with another human being, because no other human being had taken the chance to look past the armour she wore, look deep into her eyes and see the person underneath, see all the facets in her, give her a chance, take the chance with her, no one until Vera.  
Easily clearing their plates of food and then desserts, wine and a couple of other drinks in between, both women left the restaurant hand in hand, Joan using her free hand to carry her bouquet of flowers, thanking Vera numerous times for the dinner they'd just shared and the flowers as they now walked along the side of the river that ran through the business district of the city, literally next to where they'd just eaten, the pavement lit up by the tall, round street lamps that lit the walkway right alongside the river, the high rise offices and apartment towers lined up at the side of where they walked, dark and light windows littering the buildings, adding to the atmosphere of the pleasantly mild evening, ideal for a walk alongside the water.  
Vera paused at a particular part of their walk, the river opening that little bit wider to capture a perfect screenshot of the main body of the city and all the lights from the various buildings, the suspension bridge over into the city in the background, Joan looking down at her pause.  
"Vera?" she frowned, thinking there was something wrong with the younger woman, that she didn't feel well or something.  
"Come here" tugging Joan over to lean against the railings, standing close to her, nervously swallowing at something in her throat and then releasing Joan's hand from hers, causing Joan to frown deeper, watching her open her bag and start a little rummage around for something.  
What's going on?  
Is she ok?  
Why isn't she saying anything.  
Why isn't she saying anything to me.  
Why have we stopped here?  
I thought we were having a nice time together?  
I thought she was enjoying it too?  
Is she not wanting me or us anymore?  
Is that it, is that what's going on here?  
The older woman's mind suddenly going into overdrive at the silence and uncertainty of what was happening at the present moment, at Vera's silence.  
"W...What's going on? Have I...have I done something? Is...is something wrong, something wrong between us?" Vera's head snapping up at the questions, her eyes widening a little at Joan's worries, cupping the taller woman's cheek in reassurance.

 

"No, no, no, there's nothing wrong, nothing at all, everything is so right, so very right, I just...I wanted to come here, to...erm...to well, I've had a lot of thinking time since I've been poorly, it's made me think of so many things, so many things about us and about you and how you've been with me, looking after me and taking care of me despite how hard it must have been for you and sometimes still is now if I have a bad day and am not in a good mood. Despite all this you're still here, still being your wonderful self, looking after me, making me not want for anything, anything at all, loving me, and loving all of me" her eyes welling up with emotion. "Which is....which is why I wanted to bring you out tonight for our meal, but also here where we are now.." pausing to gather what Joan sensed as some courage, courage to start speaking again, the hand at her side lifting up to reveal a small black box, this box which she placed in Joan's hand, waiting another moment before she opened it, opened it to reveal a white gold band ring, with a generous square cut white diamond at the top, small black diamonds around it and then white diamonds to either side of the top of the band, the rest of the band plain white gold, simple but elegant, the stones shining like beacons when the lights around them caught the stones, Joan's brown eyes widening on seeing it, looking to Vera for an explanation to what she was trying to say.  
"To give you this...it's erm....it's a promise ring, a promise ring I got for you to show you how much I love you, and that I don't ever want to be without you, my life would have such a massive hole in it, one I couldn't ever fill, and certainly my heart wouldn't be complete without you, these last few months haven't been easy I know but, but I think they've made us stronger, and I couldn't ever be without you, ever, I love you so much and just wanted to give you a small token to show how much and to show that I'd never leave you, that you've got my heart and I promise to love you always" her blue eyes shining with tears she was trying to hold back as she spoke her words to Joan, words she'd never said to anyone before, never been able to because she'd never felt them before.  
Listening to the other woman speak about her like no one ever had before, Joan's eyes overflowed with held back tears and emotions, emotions that had started the minute she'd seen where Vera had taken her for their date and the flowers she'd bought for her at the restaurant, then to see what she'd bought her whilst they stood in here in what could only be described as one of the most perfect parts of the river, it all became too much, even for Joan, leaning down she buried her face into Vera's neck, the smaller woman holding her close, stroking a hand through her hair as she felt her weeping, her own tears escaping on hearing and seeing Joan cry.  
"Shhhh, it's ok. I take it these are good tears, happy tears, I hope?" Vera whispered, her fears subsiding on feeling Joan nod on her shoulder, relief washing over her at confirmation that they were happy tears.

 

Raising her head after managing to gather herself and being soothed by Vera, Joan looked again at the ring and then Vera.  
"N...No one has ever...for me before, no...no one, I...I'm sorry..." apologising for getting upset. "Y...You..you mean everything to me and I love you like nothing or anyone in my life before, you bring so much to...to my life, and I...I...I couldn't bear to be without you, this ring...it's..it's overwhelming, overwhelming but in a good way, t...thank you so much" getting choked up again as she spoke, which Vera recognised in an instant, taking the box from Joan's hand and removing the ring, taking Joan's left hand and slipping it down her ring finger, holding her breath a little hoping it fit and she'd guessed the right size, relief washing over her as it slid down and sat perfectly on the older woman's hand, smiling to herself at how it looked and suited Joan.  
"That suits you so nicely Joan, do you like it?" this being the main question, she wanted Joan herself to like it like she did when she'd chosen it for her, it seemed that the time off work she'd had had actually come in handy in these circumstances, being able to get this gift for the other woman.  
Joan nodded and smiled widely at her, having never had a ring to wear before and definitely not one as nice and meaningful as this and having it on her left ring finger to add to all the other feelings and emotions currently racing around her mind and body at this present moment.  
The bouquet of flowers on the floor beside them, Joan wrapped her arms around Vera, holding her flush against her body as they kissed deeply and passionately, tongues moving against each others, Vera's arms snaking around her neck, fingers in her hair, consumed with each other in their own bubble, not concerned with who might come past and see them together, all their focus was on the woman they loved, and holding each other close, a certain ring sparkling brightly on the left hand of Joan in the various lights that were surrounding them, what could easily be described by them both as a perfect date night.


	37. Chapter 37

Bliss.  
That was the phrase wasn't it?  
The phrase people used nowadays to describe things.  
Describe feelings.  
A situation.  
A happy situation.  
A peaceful one.  
A content one.  
A state of feeling so happy at your current situation, the people you're with, how your life is going?  
If this is what it is then I don't ever remember feeling this before in my life.  
Ever.  
This is a first.  
As is this.  
Looking down at the ring that adorned her left hand.  
Brown eyes wandering over the way the different coloured diamonds sparkled as they caught the sun as Joan sat out in the back garden, a smile over her face, shaking her head at the turn of recent events.  
Look at me.  
Sat here in my garden.  
Looking at a ring on my left hand.  
My left hand.  
On my ring finger.  
My. Ring. Finger.  
Given to me by Vera.  
Vera gave me the ring.  
A promise ring.  
Wanted me to have it.  
To wear it as a sign of her feelings for me.  
What she feels for me.  
That in itself is mad.  
Pure madness.  
Nice madness.  
Unexpected madness.

 

Getting up from the chair, Joan made her way back inside, across the kitchen and upstairs, when she reached the bedroom door she quietly opened and then closed it, slipping her dressing gown off, her eyes on the figure before her, smiling at the sleeping Vera in their bed, the younger woman on her side facing away from her, silently moving underneath the duvet, spooning behind her, loving feeling the woman shuffle backwards into her arms, her breasts tight against the smaller woman's back.  
Putting her face near Vera's hair, Joan inhaled the scent, the floral scent of Vera's shampoo, the scent she associated with her, the comforting scent, the scent she liked smelling on the other woman's pillow when Vera was on a earlier shift than her or she had come home after a night shift when Vera was just getting up, Joan taking Vera's place in bed and getting to put her head on Vera's pillow, feeling the other woman near her even though she'd heard the front door close and knew she'd just left for work, the scent a nice comfort when she was falling to sleep.  
Joan squeezed Vera to her that bit more, her hands cupping her small breasts, gaining a murmur from the other woman, moving her palms over her nipples beginning to feel them hardened that bit more as she did, smiling to herself.  
I know I should let her continue sleeping but I can't.  
I just can't help myself.  
I can't help slide in behind her and touch her.  
Feel her skin against mine.  
Feel her breasts in my hands.  
The way her hips and body respond even when she sleeping or at the point of starting to wake up.  
It's like her body knows it's me.  
Knows it's me touching her.  
Feeling her.  
Caressing her.  
Leaving one hand cradling Vera's breast, Joan trailed the other down her stomach, smiling as she felt the soft hair between the other woman's legs and then Vera's arousal as she moved lower and between her lips, tracing the length of her folds, groaning softly on feeling Vera's hips move into her hand and her arousal increase, knowing she was causing it. Waking that bit more, Vera shuffled tight back into Joan's body, her hips starting to move in time with the long fingers tracing her, loving the feel of being touched by the older woman, knowing that she knew exactly what she liked, how hard, how soft, how fast, how slow she liked it, knowing exactly what to do.  
Fingers made their way in between Vera's folds, teasing her entrance and causing the woman in question to groan with the ache building between her legs, her head leaning back to Joan's shoulder, eyes still closed.  
"P...Please.." she asked that bit more breathlessly than before, her need growing with every second and every touch on her.  
"Please what hmm?" Joan whispered into her ear, lips brushing the shell as her fingers dipped just a little into Vera and then retracted, Vera groaning with want that bit louder, her hands gripping Joan's forearms.  
"Joan...p...please.." her hips searching for that same contact again, feeling her clit start to pulse. "I...I need...need you...please" fingers tightening as they slid down towards Joan's wrist, her left hand trying to guide the older woman to where she needed her, not a want, a need.  
Feeling Vera's hand Joan smiled, groaning herself at the increased arousal she felt on her fingers, easily sliding two fingers where Vera needed her, her thumb grazing the smaller woman's swollen clit, feeling her own arousal between her thighs on hearing the moan that left Vera's lips, pressing her breasts into Vera's back tight, squeezing the small breast in her right hand at the same time as moving and curling her fingers of her left hand to the sweet spot Vera craved, every so often when Vera wasn't expecting it she grazed her clit causing the body in her arms to jolt at the sensation, her breathing getting that bit more erratic.

 

There was something about being in this position, holding the woman she loved in her arms like this, something protective, something nicely possessive, being able to have full access to her body, having this intimate connection with her, between them both, getting to pleasure her and hear her pleasure close up, feel the way her hips bucked back into her causing her own groans of pleasure, the feel of Vera's bum tight against her front, the delicious friction of their skin together, a film of perspiration at their actions, the way Joan moulded at all the exact spots against Vera's smaller frame just like it was meant to have always been there, two parts of one jigsaw puzzle.  
"Holding you, feeling you and seeing you like this is one of my favourite things, you feel so so good" Joan purred into Vera's ear, the tip of her tongue catching her lobe, gaining another groan from Vera, the smaller woman's hips now furiously undulating into Joan's hand, making her moan with pleasure that bit louder on feeling a dexterous thumb pressing harder in patterns on her clit, as skilful fingers brought her nearer to release, her walls closing that bit tighter with every passing moment, knowing she wouldn't be able to hold on much longer, her chest rising and falling fast as her lungs grabbed for oxygen.  
Fuck me.  
I am on fire for her.  
My skin feels on fire.  
Every single time she touches me.  
Even a small touch and it happens.  
I can't resist her touch.  
I need it.  
Crave it.  
Melt at it.  
Melt at her.  
My body craves it.  
My mind craves it.  
Needs it.  
Can't live without it.  
She's my drug.  
Joan Ferguson is my drug.  
She's my drug and I'm addicted.  
Totally hooked.  
And I love it.  
With another curl of Joan's fingers Vera felt her body tense and then go rigid as she came hard, her walls constricting around the long digits inside her, knuckles white with the force she was holding onto Joan's wrists with and the strength of her orgasm, being catapulted into another dimension, a heady feeling taking over, not aware of anything around her apart from her own pleasure, a euphoric fizzing feeling in her body, a tightening in her chest as her heart wrestled with not bursting through her ribs and landing with a thud next to her on the bed sheets, totally spent, her figure limp like a ragdoll in Joan's arms.  
"Good morning" Joan murmured in Vera's ear, smiling as she did so.  
After a few more minutes of calming her breathing that bit more Vera responded.  
"Yes it is, cheeky" tapping Joan's forearm and then shuffling to turn over onto her back and then her side to look at the woman next to her, Joan with a wide smile on her face, her brown eyes sparkling happily.  
"Me...never" Joan chuckled, seeing Vera smile back at her.  
"Yes you, always you" Vera giggled snuggling into Joan's chest, breathing in the scent of the other woman's skin, such a clean and comforting smell she had, a Joan smell.  
"Are you ok?" Joan asked, her arms wrapped back around Vera, kissing her hair.  
Vera nodded. "I am, I'm more than ok now, that's my morning exercise done anyway" smiling against Joan's neck on hearing her chuckle.  
"It's mine done too" she gave back quickly, Vera giggling again.  
This woman.  
She really did have an answer for anything.  
No matter what it was she had an answer for it.  
Some witty comment or come back.  
Any subject or situation.  
Any time.  
She had it.  
Joan Ferguson you smart arse.  
You beautiful, beautiful smart arse woman.  
My beautiful smart arse.  
A beautiful arse too.  
Oh that arse.  
What an arse.  
Fuck.  
The best arse.  
Ever.  
Ever.

 

"Did you sleep?" Vera asked seen as Joan had obviously been awake earlier than her, something that Vera had quickly established would probably happen most of the time, apart from say if the older woman had been coming in off a night shift, then Vera was up and making coffee and breakfast before heading to work, greeting Joan with a hot drink or a small breakfast, saving her the trouble of making something when she was tired from her shift, liking the fact Joan allowed her to do these little things for her when she knew not many people got to do things for the governor, the woman being fiercely independent, or at least she had before Vera had appeared in her life, the last months allowing Vera to do things for her and actually enjoying having these things done for her, letting go of little areas of control in her life with a woman who she trusted more than anyone else before, something she found to be nice and pleasant, also seeing Vera's reaction to how she enjoyed the little things the younger woman did for her making her heart swell and her smile wide, the pure joy on Vera's face, the smile she gave Joan at seeing the older woman's enjoyment, kissing her goodbye and letting her know she'd text her later, that she'd miss her whilst she was at work, Joan managing to let Vera know she'd also miss her before the small figure was disappearing out of the front door, the rev of the engine moving into the distance letting Joan know she'd left.  
"I did thank you yes, just woke earlier and decided to sit outside in the garden for a little while, take in the early morning peace, it's lovely and mild out there" Joan replied, her sleep having improved considerably since Vera had moved in, it being a complete mess before hand, not able to get that many good night's sleep, never fully feeling rested. But now, now with the other woman in their house, in their bed she slept, she slept so soundly, so peacefully, awakening to see the beautiful face of Vera beside her, sometimes asleep, sometimes looking back at her, it was as if her body and mind knew even in sleep that the woman she loved was right beside her and she wasn't going anywhere, that she was here to stay, that nothing bad would happen to Joan, this allowed the older woman to fall asleep and rest peacefully, probably for the first time in that many years she'd forgotten what it felt like, what it felt like not to go to bed carrying that tension, that fear, that pain.  
"I've been thinking" Joan added as Vera moved her head off her shoulder to look at her. "I've been thinking maybe......maybe you'd like to get a ring, for me to get you one I mean..." and she had been thinking about it, rather a lot, ever since Vera had given her hers, the ring Joan hadn't taken off since she'd had it put on her finger, not wanting to take it off, it being important that it be kept in the same spot that Vera had put it in and given it to her, a symbol of love from Vera to Joan.  
Vera beamed at the suggestion, her heart fluttering at the thought.  
"A ring....for me, like...like the one I got for you?" Vera asked, her smile widening as she spoke, eyes with Joan's.  
"Yes" Joan nodded, seeing the lit up face in front of her.  
"Yes...yes I'd really like that, I'd have one to wear then too" Joan unable to stop the smile on her own face at Vera's reaction, the way her face lit up brightly at the thought of having her own ring to wear, that then they'd both have one on their left hand as a symbol that they were 'properly' together, of what they meant to each other, but the main thing being that it was Joan who'd have bought it for her and given it to her, no one else in this world would she want this kind of gift and symbol off than the woman in whose arms she currently lay, the woman she'd wanted and loved for so long, the woman she never thought she'd ever get a look from in that way, let alone get a ring off, the woman who made her complete, the woman who had stolen her heart, who was giving her everything she ever wanted, the one woman whose arms felt like home.  
"Then that's what we'll do, we'll go out together and you shall pick whatever ring you want and I'll buy it for you, whichever one, you can have anyone you like, ok?" brown eyes not moving from the blue ones mere millimetres from her own, the eyes she could easily get lost in, Vera closing the gap between them to share a tender kiss.  
Vera nodded as she pulled back to look at Joan. "Ok, did I mention that I love you, I love you so much" cupping one of Joan's cheeks with her hand, gazing at her, Joan's arms tightening around her body as if they were one.  
"Not nearly as much as I love you, not nearly as much" Joan replied stroking her thumbs soothing against the small of Vera's back, and it was true, the amount of love Joan felt for Vera she couldn't explain, she didn't have the words, couldn't find the words, feeling that no amount of words could do justice to how Vera made her feel inside, how she made her heart feel, that organ that had been locked up tight in its ice prison for as long as Joan could remember, now felt like bursting with love it had in it for the woman led in her arms, the woman she wanted to see wear a ring that was a small symbol of this love that she had for her.


	38. Chapter 38

Shopping.  
Being out in public amongst all these people.  
Quite a lot of them.  
Mixing with them.  
Being close to them.  
In sometimes tight spaces.  
Brushing past them accidentally or not.  
Just shopping in general and all the components that came with it.  
Something in the past Joan had hated.  
Absolutely hated.  
Couldn't abide doing.  
Tried to avoid at all costs.  
Apart from when she couldn't.  
When she absolutely had to do it.  
Had to buy things.  
Had to go to the shopping centre, to the supermarket.  
But now this was that bit different.  
She was here in the shopping centre.  
With Vera.  
Vera holding her hand.  
The younger woman had almost instantly threaded their fingers together after they'd exited Joan's car in the car park next to the centre, the older woman looking down at the action and then smiling at Vera, loving the fact that Vera didn't ever not hold her hand when they were out together or just together in general.  
No one has ever wanted this much physical contact with me.  
I've never had anyone hold my hand as much as she does.  
Keep close by me when they walk.  
So close that our bodies brush together.  
That physical contact is nearly enough always there.  
A contact I seemed to have craved.  
Been without for so long, but always wanted in some depth of my soul.  
A space deep down that no one knew.  
No one saw.  
No one until her.

 

Moving into the centre and along the various rows of shops, in between the rest of the shoppers, Joan being pleasantly surprised at how calm she felt being here even though it wasn't the quietest of times, the almost reassuring and calming touch of Vera's hand laced with hers seeming to help rather a lot, they headed further into the centre, Joan halting at one of the jewellers, glancing down to Vera whose eyebrows had risen further up at her forehead as she looked at their destination and then up at Joan, knowing full well how much some of the pieces and watches were in this particular shop, a shop she'd walked by without thinking when she'd come to this shopping centre, knowing looking in the window wasn't even worth it because she'd never be able to afford most of what they were selling so there was no point in torturing herself over something like this for no reason, but now, now they were stood outside it, Joan had chosen this shop.  
"In here?" Vera asked, Joan giving a little nod.  
"Yes, I thought you might like to get your ring from here, it's a nice jewellers".  
"Nice...it's more than nice, it's one of the nicest ones ever also one of the most expensive" knowing she'd never had afforded anything near this for herself.  
"I told you, expense is irrelevant, I just want you to pick a ring you like, not looking at the price because I can take care of that, ok?" Joan replied, wanting Vera to pick whichever one she wanted and let her buy it for her, not wanting the younger woman to worry about the money side of things and how much any one she liked was going to cost.  
"Ok" Vera smiled, stepping inside the shop, her blue eyes widening that bit more as she let go of Joan's hand to move over to the glass cabinets, her eyes darting in all directions at the various sparkles and treasures she was looking at, looking to anyone who saw her at that moment like a child in a toy or sweet shop, mesmerised by the amount of jewels and money she was currently surrounded with, her girly senses on overload as she stood looking from one cabinet to the next, turning back every now and then to smile at Joan, the older woman unable to help but watch on, fascinated by Vera and how she behaved, the childlike innocence of the younger woman, the humble and shy nature at being 'allowed' in a place like this, with items like this, like she'd been given access to a place she'd never thought she'd be, that she was worthy of.  
Look at her.  
Her eyes wandering over everything.  
Taking it all in.  
All the items.  
The colours.  
The atmosphere.  
Like she's trying to make the most of her time here.  
Savour the experience.  
She's like a child who doesn't go in toy shops often.  
Who doesn't experience things like this often.  
Hasn't been allowed to.  
Hasn't had the chance too.  
Didn't think herself worthy of.  
Just as people told her she wasn't.  
Have told her all her life.  
Made her actually believe this crap.  
Drummed it into her psyche.  
Well not now.  
Not anymore.  
Not with me.  
This time it's different.  
She's not going to have any of that anymore.  
She's going to be treated properly and spoilt.  
Spoilt like she deserves to be.  
Looked after by me.  
Protected by me.  
And only me.  
No one will hurt her ever again.

 

Moving over to the side to look in the various glass cabinets around the shop, Joan moved further into the shop, past Vera to look at the selection of rings that were near to where some of the more expensive rings and pieces of jewellery were displayed, becoming aware of one of the shop assistants coming over to her, seeing her reflection in the glass she was currently looking in.  
"Can I help you at all madam?" she asked politely, Joan looking up at her smiling face.  
"I'm just looking at the moment, thank you".  
"May I ask if you're looking for anything in particular?" wanting to help the older woman in finding something suitable that she might like if she could.  
"Erm... well...well I'm currently just browsing for an engagement ri...a promise ring" quickly correctly herself when she realised what she had actually just said, feeling another presence beside her at that exact moment, glancing to her left hand side, her eyes widening in horror as she realised who it was who'd heard her.  
Vera.  
Vera had heard her say all that.  
Say those words.  
All those words.  
Words that she had said and couldn't not say.  
Couldn't take back.  
The younger woman looking at Joan and then the shop assistant, then back to Joan.  
"Joan?" Vera mumbled softly, watching that familiar nostril flare, the tightening of the jaw, the haunted look over her features.  
"N..no" Joan gave back in reply, turning on her heels and striding for the doors, not giving either woman a second backwards glance as she did so, needing to get out of there, away from the situation, the old but familiar feeling of panic rising in her stomach, burning it's way up her oesophagus, threatening to reach her throat if she didn't hurry up.  
Didn't get out.  
Didn't escape.  
Escape from the present situation.  
The situation she'd created.  
Created a mess off.  
Spoken out of line.  
Spoken way out of line.  
And Vera had heard it all.  
Every word.  
Shit.  
Fucking hell Joan.  
Fucking stupid.  
Stupid!  
"Joan..." came the voice from behind teamed with the hand taking hold of Joan's, making her stop just in the shop doorway, Vera keeping hold of her hand as she moved around to be stood in front of the older woman, looking up at her, eventually managing to get the governor to raise her eyes from the floor to look into hers. "Where you going, what's the matter hmm?" she asked softly, her fingers still threaded through the larger ones of Joan's.  
Joan gave a little swallow, her eyes looking into the blue ones which hadn't moved from hers, the ones searching her face and features to try and work out what the matter was, where she was running too and what for.  
"I...I...just then...in there" knowing what she was trying to say but her words coming out in stops and starts, not quite sure how to explain herself given what had just happened, it wasn't meant to come out like that, it was because she'd been looking at the engagement rings in the cabinet, so then when the assistant had come over to ask what she was looking for it was on her mind, it'd just been in her eyes, those words had just come out before she could stop them, come out at the exact time that Vera had moved to look at the rings in the cabinet next to her, that exact time, fuck.  
"Yes, what about it?" she gave back, not quite sure what Joan was trying to say but being prepared to wait to try and find out, sensing a wrestling inside the dark haired woman's head, deciding if she should say certain things or not.  
"I shouldn't have....I didn't know you...didn't know you were there" she finally managed to say, sighing at herself and her lack of poise and articulation of her thoughts, closing her eyes.  
"Hey.." Vera cupping one of Joan's cheek with her free hand, still not letting their clasped hands part, dark eyes slowly being revealed to her. "It doesn't matter that I was there when you said what you said, the question is did you mean what you said, in the sense of did you want to say it seen as you said it?" wanting Joan to be honest in her reply to her, just wanting to know what was going on in the older woman's head and what she was thinking.  
Now there's a question for you Joan.  
A question for you to get your brain round.  
A question she's asking you for your honesty with.  
And you know you can't lie to her.  
The woman you can't ever lie to.  
No matter what it is.  
She can read you like a book.  
Like no one has ever been able to do before.  
Look past that battle armour you wear.  
Just like she's doing now.  
Straight to the heart of the matter.  
Asking for you to be honest with her.  
Tell her the truth.  
Taking a breath, Joan studied the face in front of her, Vera's blue eyes looking straight at her, not moving, before she swallowed the feeling in throat, steadying herself to speak, to reply.

 

"W...What if...what if I did want to say it, then what?" thinking there might be some 'consequence' about to befall her at admitting to certain things to Vera.  
Vera gave a soft frown at the reply.  
"Then well...nothing really, unless...unless you want there to be a something, want something else to happen because of it" trying to leave the decision with Joan, leave her in charge of taking things further in this particular avenue that both women had suddenly found themselves in, knowing what she'd like the outcome to be but not sure if her and Joan were on the same page.  
Brown eyes looked deep into hers, Vera almost feeling the cogs in the older woman's brain working, thinking, deciding, planning.  
I know she's thinking.  
Deciding.  
Trying to work something out.  
Planning her next move as it were, even if this was a verbal move to me.  
The brilliant mind deciding the next step.  
I don't know if we're on the same wave length in this sense or not.  
But I guess I'll find out soon enough.  
Find out from Joan.  
"I don't...I don't know how to say...to ask..to..to" Joan mumbled clumsily, even after the closeness and love her and Vera shared together, she still found certain topics and situations difficult, hard, emotionally a struggle, even though she was trying to be better, to do better.  
"It's ok, it's ok" Vera reassured, stepping in at seeing Joan struggling for what she was trying to get across, soothingly brushing her thumb on Joan's cheek, having moved them both over to the corner of the shop entrance, out of being right in the middle for everyone to see, offering that little bit more privacy. "Let me help you, what you said, consciously or not in there when you didn't realise I was nearby, is that something that you'd have liked to say or ask me yourself?" came the gentle question, knowing Joan was still shy and a bit upset at the recent events.  
With their eyes together, Vera smiling softly up at Joan, nothing but love in her eyes for her, love, understanding, patience, calm, not an ounce of judgement or unhappiness, Joan calmed a little more, knowing she couldn't ever lie to the woman in front of her, the woman whose hand she still held, looking so much smaller than her own, giving no words back but a little nod in confirmation that what Vera was saying was right. She couldn't deny it, not even to herself and especially not to the woman in front of her, what she said about an engagement ring accidentally came out, but it came from her heart, deep inside her chest, that beating organ that was steadily thawed from its icy cavern that it'd been locked up in for so many years, so many long years, thawed by the woman in front of her who now held her heart in her hands.  
Vera's smile slowly widened as Joan nodded, knowing she'd got it right, her eyes lighting up that bit more, giving Joan's hand a little squeeze, gently bringing Joan's face down towards her so she was able to whisper in her ear. "I'd like that too, I'd like....I'd like to wear an engagement ring that you'd bought me" well aware of her own heart thumping wildly in her chest as she said the words, praying that she'd got this situation right, and she'd not totally read it wrong, slowly pulling back to see what expression Joan would be now wearing.  
Almost in slow motion, or at least that's how it felt to Vera at that very moment, she pulled back to their earlier position, releasing her hand from Joan's cheek, it now hanging at her side, watching as Joan's once haunted expression was replaced by a smile, a smile that reached all the way to her eyes, a smile that signalled to Vera that she'd read the situation exactly right.  
"I'd...I'd like to buy....to buy you...an engagement ring" Joan said softly, glad she'd been able to say the words to the woman in front of her, unable to hide her intent from Vera, not wanting too, never in her life did she picture herself allowing another human being in her house let alone her heart and definitely she didn't see herself getting married, that was something 'normal' people did, not people like her, people who were worthy got married, people who others could love, people who were 'normal' and not damaged, nice people, people who weren't 'defective and freaks', the opposite of her basically. But since meeting Vera and spending time with her, feeling her icy exterior and interior being flooded by Vera's warmth, Vera's love, it'd crept into Joan's mind about the idea of being married to the younger woman, what it'd be like, what it'd be like to ask her, to buy her a ring, to have Vera as her what...wife, yes her wife because that's what she'd be, she'd be her wife, Vera as her wife, it being a weird and strange concept to think about but also a wonderful one, she'd be no one else's but hers, her wife, then when she'd received the promise ring from the other woman she'd thought about it again, thought about how she'd actually make the conversation change from a general one to asking her the question, or at least suggesting it, but she hadn't been able to, didn't feel she had the courage to, couldn't say those actual words, wouldn't ever she felt be able to say or ask them in the traditional sense that others did, so they'd come out this way instead, been said in an offhand way in the middle of a jewellers in the city, a way that was subconscious but something she'd been wrestling with in her head for a while, her heart this time overruling her head and speaking the words for her.

 

"And I'd like to accept the fact you want to buy me one, I'd not want one from anyone else, ever" confirming that she knew what Joan was asking her, but letting the older woman know that she didn't have to say the actual words for Vera to understand what she meant, she just knew what Joan meant, she understood her, understood her more than anyone else.  
"Are..are you sure?" giving Vera a chance to change her mind if she wished, her chest feeling like it would explode with nerves and anticipation, feeling her throat and mouth start to become that little bit drier.  
Again Vera reached up and put her free hand on Joan's shoulder, bringing the taller woman closer to her, making sure she had her eyes as she spoke, so she knew she was serious.  
"I'm positive, I've never been more sure" she replied without an ounce of doubt in her tone or eyes, confirming her wish to Joan, leaving no doubt in the older woman's mind that Vera wanted this, she wanted to receive an engagement from Joan, she wanted that commitment with the older woman, her and no one else.  
Joan's eyes lit up with Vera's confirmation, resting her forehead gently on Vera's, both women smiling at each other.  
"Very well then, shall we...shall we go back in and see which ring you'd like?" Vera nodding and smiling back at her, leading the taller woman into the shop to where she'd been before, Vera the first to smile at the assistant that had been trying to help them a short time ago.  
"Hello, everything ok?" the woman asked as a general question to them both.  
"Very ok" Vera quickly replied smiling at her and then at Joan, proceeding to be the one to say that they were in fact looking for an engagement ring, Joan confirming this fact, both women not breaking their joined hands as they began looking at the various rings that the shop had on display.  
A while later and both women were walking out of the shop together, hand in hand, Vera now sporting a sparkling addition to her left hand ring finger, Joan waiting till they got out of the shopping centre and then back to her car, closing the driver's door she looked to her side and at Vera.  
"Let me see again?" she asked, Vera knowing exactly what she meant and producing her left hand to Joan, the older woman holding it and looking at the ring, Vera had chosen an 18carat, white gold diamond ring, the band being a plain one until about half way up, the medium sized diamond sat on the top and front of the ring, being surrounded with smaller diamonds, this circular design was flanked half way down the band on either side by half a dozen equally sparkling and shining diamonds, the whole ring looking perfect on the smaller hand of Vera. "It suits you very much I must say" Joan added, smiling widely across at her partner.  
"It's the nicest thing I've ever been given and bought in my life" looking again at her ring and then back at Joan. "This now means I have a proper title, I'm a fiancée, I'm your...your fiancée" her tone like that of an excited child, unable to wipe the huge grin off her face as she gazed at the older woman.  
Joan nodded. "Yes you are, you are just that and I'd say that that makes me the luckiest person in the entire world, I didn't think this kind of thing was possible for someone like me, it was for other people, something only they did, the worthy ones. But now, sitting here, seeing it on your finger...knowing you want this, want this with me, and how you make me feel...what you bring to my life, well...maybe...maybe...maybe you see something in me that I don't, you see something worthy in me, worthy enough by some small miracle that allows me to have you, to have you like this.." taking hold of Vera's hand and kissing the ring and her finger together, closing her eyes as she did, feeling the back of Vera's fingers on her free hand stroke her cheek, enjoying the moment between them.  
"You have always been and always will be worthy to me Joan, always".


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well here it is, the final chapter!
> 
> I thought it was an appropriate time and place to end this particular fic.  
> I've had so much fun writing it, even when it's taken me a while to update it (sorry about that :P xD) I enjoy writing this ship so much,my heart will always belong to Freakytits and I will always ship them, because well they're the best!
> 
> I just want to say a massive thank you to every single comment you awesome and brilliant people have left me, to every single one of you who has taken the time to read my fic and every single kudos that has been left, I appreciate every single one of them and you, you are all so supportive of my work and it means the world to me, you guys are bloody fabulous!
> 
> I hope you all like the ending I've done!
> 
> Enjoy!! 
> 
> (Maybe I'll do a sequel or another Freakytits fic, or maybe some one shots if that's something you'd all be interested in and the ideas and want for it is there?)

Contentment.  
A word.  
A single word.  
A single 'foreign' word.  
One that lucky people get to use.  
Throw around easily.  
Use easily.  
Just say as though it's a commonly occurring thing.  
That it comes to us so easily.  
Like we expect it.  
That it's bound to happen to us.  
But not to me.  
Not to people like me.  
The 'different' people.  
The 'freaks'.  
The unworthy ones.  
The damaged ones.  
Ones people think are beyond feeling anything deep inside.  
You see how we are on the surface and make an assumption.  
An assumption that because we struggle with how we feel.  
We find it hard to make that connection between the feelings and outwardly expressing them.  
We're guarded because of the past.  
Guarded because we've been told it's wrong.  
That it's not what you do.  
You don't show emotions.  
Showing of emotions means that you appear weak.  
That they can be used as weapons against you.  
To strike you down.  
To hurt you.  
To wound you.  
So you don't.  
You don't show them.  
You hold them in.  
Show and say nothing.  
Don't allow yourself to do those things.  
To show anything like that.  
To feel anything.  
Maybe chinks escape unseen by most now and again.  
At times of vulnerability.  
That word that's never been allow.  
Vulnerability.  
Somehow it has always been a word that wasn't allowed.  
Something you didn't show.  
Because it made you weak.

 

When something stirs the bubbling well of emotions we house.  
Something or someone that connects with all those unsaid and unexpressed feelings.  
For me that was her.  
Vera.  
She saw it.  
She saw a chink.  
A chink in my well assembled armour.  
She saw through it.  
She saw me.  
The 'real' me.  
Then she continued from there.  
Slowly tried to get closer.  
Closer than anyone had before.  
She was patient.  
Didn't run at my outbursts.  
My defences.  
She saw them for what they are or were.  
Defences.  
Defences to protect my heart.  
To protect me.  
Protect me from any harm another person might cause me.  
She stayed at my outbursts.  
My tears.  
Comforted me.  
Put her hand into my bubble, my 'cage', risking herself.  
Risking her heart.  
Risking that I might turn on her.  
Use her kindness to hurt her.  
Destroy her.  
Lash out.  
Emotionally hurt her.  
She took that risk.  
A risk no one had with me before.  
She cared.  
She wanted to comfort.  
Saw the person inside.  
The one she knew she connected with.  
The one I probably didn't show anyone.  
Hadn't allowed myself to show anyone.  
And she nurtured it.  
Took her time with it.  
Didn't rush me.  
But also didn't run when it was tough.  
When I was hard work.  
When I was volatile.  
When I pushed her away and then pulled her back close again.  
Still she stayed.  
Unwavering in her belief.  
Her belief in me.  
Her belief in us.  
Knowing what we had potential to be.  
What I had potential to be.  
What was deep inside.  
Deep inside me.  
And with this patience and love that continued its brought us here to where we are now.  
In love.  
Together.  
Living together.  
And I can myself use that word now.  
A word I thought I'd never use.  
Content.  
I'm content.

 

Looking up from where she'd been staring into space in their back garden, Joan smiled as she saw Vera coming outside, also with a smile on her face, dressed in little denim shorts and a white vest, her hair loose and curled around her shoulders, her feet bare, her eyes trained on the older woman as she came towards her, sitting herself next to her on the swing seat, but this wasn't just any run of the mill swing seat, this was a rather expensive, luxury swing seat, the three seated seats were actual padded cream covered plush seats with deep cushions, headrests on each seat and a retractable footrest that was hidden under the seats, the wooden, solid frame curved up at the top and held the canopy in place, the piece of material matching the cream of the seats, draping over each corner of the top of the frame, shading the people on the swing from the sun hitting them in all directions. With the frame locked into place it prevented it from swinging of this is what the person or persons sat on it at the time wished to happen, something Joan had done whilst she been currently sat on it in the sunshine in their garden this particular afternoon, dressed in longer cut fitted shorts, and a white v neck t shirt, her dark hair with silver streaks loose down her shoulders also, choosing herself not to wear shoes seen as they were at home and enjoying the afternoon sun, something she'd come to copy off Vera, the younger woman liking to go barefoot in the house when they weren't going out and when it was nice outside, sometimes when it wasn't so nice too, saying to Joan that no one was going to see them not wearing shoes in their own house, plus it was better for your feet to go barefoot from time to time, considering the amount of time they were at work wearing heels that neither of them wanted to wear and wouldn't if they'd been given the choice, it was actually a nice relief and change to just relax barefooted at home.  
"Hello you" Vera smiled as she sat down next to Joan.  
"Hello to you" Joan replied, putting her right arm around Vera's shoulders, the younger woman cuddling into her, her hand resting on Joan's nearest thigh, smiling as she closed her eyes for a brief moment, resting her cheek against the strong shoulder close to her, the strong frame of Joan had always from the very beginning made her feel safe, something about the shape of her body and strong physique, the curves all over her body, her height, her frame that was so long and tall, her limbs, arms that easily wrapped around Vera's small frame, something that Joan also had liked doing from the beginning of being with Vera.  
The way the smaller woman's body was the opposite of hers in so many ways, so many ways that meant it was ideal, it was pretty much perfect for her, just like Vera was. Her shorter frame and limbs, smaller hands, hands that slipped and laced so well into Joan's, shorter fingers that held so tight to Joan's, ones that were reassuring no matter what the situation, even something as simple as a bad dream or nightmare, they were there to interlink with Joan's and give a gentle squeeze, a squeeze that said I'm here and you're safe, something that went a long way in calming her, when they walked out in public and Joan might get anxious, there they were again, never breaking contact, never wanting to break contact, liking the display of their relationship, that Joan was hers and she was Joan's, plus getting to hold such a handsome and stunning woman's hand made Vera feel a certain sense of smugness, especially in public, smugness that she was the woman who got to be with Joan, her heart belonged to a woman that she saw other men and women look at, look at and find attractive, something Joan herself had claimed never to have seen them doing, but Vera had, oh she'd seen them, seen them looking over at her, this causing Vera to smile that bit wider knowing they'd never get her, yes Vera Bennett was liking being the one with the grin like a Cheshire cat.

 

"Are you ok?" Joan asked, glancing down to see Vera open her eyes and look up at her, smiling.  
"Oh very much so, are you?" watching Joan's face break into a grin, nodding her head.  
"Very much so too" the younger woman taking hold of and raising the left hand of the other woman, revealing a second ring next to the promise one Vera had given her, namely a wedding band, a white gold wedding band, a diamond edged plain wedding band in 18ct white gold, eighteen brilliant cut diamonds set all the way around the edge of the otherwise plain band, the sun catching the stones and making them erupt into a rainbow of colours on Joan's finger, the ring was so Joan, plain and simple, yet it had a sparkle and class to it, understated yet classy at the same time, very Joan and apt for her.  
Joan then copying Vera's action and lifting her left hand, next to her engagement ring was also a wedding ring, this being a thinner 18ct white gold band, that had a channel of twenty one brilliant cut diamonds running all the way around it, it fitting on Vera's dainty finger and hand perfectly, it almost looking like a smaller version of Joan's wedding ring, something they'd liked after they'd chosen which rings they'd like, laughing at their similarity for picking similar rings, agreeing that they both had good taste.  
"It suits you very well" Joan said, Vera moving her finger a little so the sun caught these stones and they erupted just like the older woman's had, Vera smiling as she looked at the ring and Joan's hand holding hers.  
"Just like yours suits you, they suit us both, I like that they're similar rings, I like it very much, mine is like a smaller version of yours" moving her eyes to look at Joan.  
"You don't regret it then?" came the quiet question from the older woman who was now looking at Vera.  
"Regret it....are you joking, it's been the best day of my life!" she replied with a beaming smile, her free hand cupping Joan's cheek. "The fact it was just the two of us there and no one else made it even more perfect, we don't and didn't need all the fuss like some people do and like, I just needed you there, as long as I have you I don't need anything else, just like today, it was perfect. And do you know what's even better.." seeing Joan give a little shake of her head. "I lost and got rid of my old last name and got yours, plus now I get to call you something too don't I" raising her eyebrows and grinning, seeing Joan's smile wider as she knew what Vera meant.  
"And what is it that you get to call me?" Joan asked, knowing exactly what Vera meant but wanting to hear her say the words again, even though she'd already heard them numerous times since they'd got back from the simple registry office service they'd chosen to have, both of them deciding they just wanted to get married, they didn't want to wait and have lots of fuss and attention drawn to them, they just wanted it to be them both, no one else, just wanting to do it together, a simple and intimate ceremony, very low key, so they had, they'd booked and paid for it and done it at eleven am that morning, the service taking place just out of town, a simple car driving them there from their home and then back here afterwards, no bells and whistles, no fancy service, or big production, just the two of them there declaring their love for one another and marking it with rings, only with eyes for each other, their love the only thing they wanted their in the room with them.  
Vera studied the big, love filled brown eyes gazing back at her, even after all this time they still held her in a trance, like another world was held in them, a world only Vera was allowed access to, the world of Joan.  
"My wife" Vera whispered lovingly, stroking a tear that rolled down Joan's cheek, a tear of happiness, the older woman turning her face to kiss Vera's palm, pulling the younger woman into her more.  
"Like you're my...wife, Vera Ferguson....Vera Ferguson is my wife" saying it twice just to make sure she heard herself properly and for the fact she enjoyed saying it so much, she'd never enjoyed saying a name connected to her name as much in her life, just like she'd never been as happy and settled so much in her life, it was a strange feeling, a weird feeling, but in a way, in such a good way.  
"It has a nice ring to it doesn't it" Vera grinned, her blue eyes seeming even brighter today, regardless of the sun shining in them. "I couldn't and wouldn't want anyone else's last name ever, no one's except yours, and I wouldn't want to be anyone else's wife, only yours, I love you so much, so much" leaning forward to capture Joan's lips in a passionate and deep kiss, Joan's embrace tightening as they kissed.

 

"And I never thought that I'd ever find or get someone like you, ever, that happened to other people, other people got that sort of thing, 'normal' people, people who deserved it, then you came along, and look at us now. I have...I have a wife, me...I've got a wife, something I could never have dreamed of having, but I'm so grateful, so so grateful, a gratefulness I'll never be able to fully express, but I'm going to spend the rest of my life loving you, protecting you, making you happy, looking after you, because I love you so much, I love you more than anyone I've ever had in my life before, and more than I'll ever love anyone ever again, if there is something up there and they do send angels down for us, whether that be to protect us, or love us in whatever capacity, then you're mine, you're my angel, and I'll be forever grateful to you, for all you've done and continue to do for me, for us. I love you so very much" squeezing their wedding ring hands, and then kissing Vera's wedding band and closing her eyes, feeling their hands then move to Vera's lips and the younger woman kiss her wedding band, a few tears running down Vera's cheek, happy tears.  
"Well you're stuck with me now Joan, and I think that it's only customary for the wife to be carried over the threshold into the home isn't it and we haven't done that yet.." moving her lips to Joan's ear to cheekily whisper. "The thing is, I don't know whether you'll be able to catch me, you know since you're that bit older than me, do you think you could, you know catch me to carry me over it?" her tone cheeky but challenging, knowing Joan always liked a challenge and would like her joke, feeling Joan's cheek raise in a smile against her own cheek, their heads parting to look at each other, a playful glint in Joan's eyes and a wide smirk on her face.  
"I think you'd better starting running Vera Ferguson" came the low and huskily reply, a playful edge to her tone, giving Vera a sudden tickle, the younger woman letting out a sudden happy cry at the action before removing herself from Joan and the swing seat and taking off running in the opposite direction of the house into the large back garden, Joan giving her a few minutes head start before she herself was off the seat and moving into the garden to give chase.

 

If this is what people say when they use the phrase 'happily married'.  
Then it'll suffice.  
It'll more than suffice for me.  
More than suffice.  
Vera Ferguson.  
I'm coming to get you.  
My wife.  
My soul mate  
My true love.  
My angel.  
My everything in this world.  
I'm coming to get you darling.


End file.
